There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 19, a condition which can only be diagnosed after turning 18 it was clear that it had been fostering within me for many years before hand, side by side with my depression. When I was diagnosed I did the usual googling to find out as much as I could and what I found out only increased my anxieties surrounding my condition! Despite this though it did help, having a name, having something to relate to, its almost like being able to account for the reasons as to why I respond to things in certain ways, it has helped me to understand myself. Although it has contributed to a greater understanding and self-awareness it has not been without its difficulties, dealing with BPD is a daily issue, one that feels like a never ending cycle, almost as if I have been sentenced to a life with BPD. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I almost feel like I don’t have BPD, when I a not so sensitive to different things that happen, when I do...

Every now and again someone will suggest I get into the area of journalism. It has been a reoccurring theme for the past 4 years, around the time I had to look at what I wanted to do in college. In the beginning I liked the idea and I even entertained the idea, researching the points required, what would be involved in a journalism course but in the end I decided that it wasn’t for me. Why? Well I guess the number of points required in the leaving cert was a big issue, I knew I wasn’t able to achieve the points required and while some people might say well why didn’t you try, I didn’t try because for me it wasn’t an attainable goal. Why would I just upset me self when I end up disappointed? I guess another reason was I wasn’t really sure if that was what I wanted to do although even now in my final year of college I’m still not sure what I want to do! I guess now that someone has mentioned doing my masters in journalism I have been questioning is it time I take my writing to the n...

Two and a half years ago I began my journey to corrective double jaw surgery, 18 months of braces pre op and 6 months of braces post op. A correct bite with my top teeth in front of my bottom teeth is what I should have now but I don't. I've written about this before, about how it has been a struggle to get my surgery , how my underbite has been affecting me, damaging my mental health, challenging me everyday but today, although having a breakthrough getting a meeting with a surgeon next week I still feel stuck. You might be questioning why I feel stuck, its just an underbite but its more than that, its the control and power this underbite has over me. People have told me that I need to stop this controlling, I need to move on and get on with my life. So far this underbite has prevented me from perusing interviews to spend my summer working in America, redoing a college placement in order to continue as a community and youth work student, it has completely taken control of my...

During my final year of secondary school I work really hard to ensure a spot on the Maynooth University Community and Youth Work course and after personal statements, written assessments, group interviews, individual interviews and achieving the right grades in my leaving cert I was lucky enough to get a spot, 1 of just 40. I was thrilled, over the moon, excited and looking forward to moving onto a new chapter in my life. I thought I had it all figured out, becoming a community and youth worker, get a job, a nice place to live and who knows maybe even move to Boston but of course not everything goes according to plan. I made it through first year of college and had a pretty good placement which I loved every minute of and still today volunteer there, but then, then second year came along. Starting the year with another placement after two weeks preparation in college I struggled a lot to settle in, find a routine and to be honest I didn’t enjoy it all that much. It was a tough place...

Mum, We are fast approaching your 10 year anniversary. Can you believe that? I still remember the day you left us like it was yesterday and as hard as it is not to have you here with us now I am glad you have had your pain and suffering taken away. I often find myself questioning things, like why you got cancer, why you died, why we couldn’t just have a bit more time with you and I always come up with the same answer every time and that answer is that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason yet I’m still struggling to find the reason for you dying, why I was left without a mother at the tender age of 10 when I needed you the most. Everything happens for a reason but what could possibly justify a 10 year old having to watch her mother die? I know it’s not your fault that you died and it certainly wasn’t your fault that you got cancer but when you died I couldn’t help but be angry at you. I couldn’t understand why you would leave me, why you couldn’t jus...

I have to confess, when it comes to keeping resolutions I tend to be extremely motivated in the beginning and slowly but surly lose interest! That's not saying I have lost interest in blogging but I think my resolution to blog more was a bit optimistic seeing as its now been 3 weeks since my last post but moving swiftly on to the good news.... I have a new post for you, actually a number of new posts courtesy of a spark of inspiration I got when lying in bed feeling sorry for myself! Leinster Schools Competition 2012 Athletics has been a huge part of my life since a very young age, ever since I can remember I have been a member of Celbridge A.C, competing in track & field and believe it or not cross country too (I never competed in cross country by choice as such!) It has always been very much a family affair, for a time my dad was a coach, my mum was involved in fundraising and helping out anywhere she could and then there was my brothers and me, the athletes of the fam...

Something happened to me about a week and a half ago, something which I never expected to happen and something which was really out of the blue, about a week and a half ago a family member from my mothers side made contact with me. I know you may be thinking what is so surprising about that but you have to understand that my interaction with my mothers side of the family decreased incredibly after her death. A week and a half ago I received a friend request of Facebook from my godmother who also happens to be one of my mums cousins. Now initially I wasn't sure who the person was as a result of the change in last name but after a few moments it clicked with me who she was. Now I'm not great with building relationships and it is something which I have spent a lot of time working on both personally and professionally as a result of the nature of youth work but again it is still something which I can often struggle with. When accepting this friend request I didn't think anyt...

This week saw the beginning of my college classes. As part of these class we have been working closely on bonding and getting to know each other in order to progress well throughout the next three years together. To allow us to get to know each other better and have a better understanding into each others life we were asked to prepare a life map and then make a presentation to our class regarding our life. I struggled with this assignment. I wasn't sure what I was going to share with my class. The fear of being judged, looked down on and treated like an outcast was at the forefront of my mind over the weekend in which I was preparing my presentation. I have decided to go into college and not tell people about my past, not because I am ashamed but because I wanted people to get to know me for who I am today but my past has made me the person who I am today. I fought with my mind the night before giving my presentation, my mind had all power and was controlling me. It was my mind w...

So as some of you many know I am in hospital and that's why Ginger has been updating he blog for me because I don't get the chance to use a computer very often but seeing as how tonight I got the chance I thought i would write a quick post just to check in. So im doing good I guess.... not much to tell you all. Im missing school and my friends and stuff but they keep sending me in letters and food so im doing ok. I love the food guys so keep it coming... lol. I have been kind of keeping up with school work and things here but its not going to well but I will catch up eventually!!!! One thing I do know is that I need a name badge because between nurses doctors and teachers they keep calling me all sorts of different names! The point of this post was because I met this girls here who is getting discharged next week so first things is I wish her all the best when she gets to go home next week and I have to say that I will be lonley in our biologly classes now but I guess I will ...