Inner conflict

This week saw the beginning of my college classes. As part of these class we have been working closely on bonding and getting to know each other in order to progress well throughout the next three years together. To allow us to get to know each other better and have a better understanding into each others life we were asked to prepare a life map and then make a presentation to our class regarding our life.

I struggled with this assignment. I wasn't sure what I was going to share with my class. The fear of being judged, looked down on and treated like an outcast was at the forefront of my mind over the weekend in which I was preparing my presentation. I have decided to go into college and not tell people about my past, not because I am ashamed but because I wanted people to get to know me for who I am today but my past has made me the person who I am today. I fought with my mind the night before giving my presentation, my mind had all power and was controlling me. It was my mind which was telling me not to share my story, to hide who I am and to not tell people who I really am, I am not a depressed person or a self-harmer but my depression, self-harm and life experiences have lead me to be the person I am today. While my mind was very much in control of me the night before my presentation somewhere deep inside me there was something trying to fight my mind, there was something trying to tell me to do what I knew was right. After much consideration my heart finally took control over my mind and told me the right thing to do was to tell people my past experiences as they have allowed me to become the person I am today.

I chose to tell my class about my mental illness and my time in hospital after suffering from self- harm etc. I chose to tell them about my parents being separated, the death of my mother and the death of my grandfather. I chose to tell my class all of these things because it is these things which have made me want to become a community worker and youth worker, It is my past that has helped to shape the path which I am talking at this very moment. my past doesn't define me but it has helped me to choose what I believe to be the correct path in life at the moment.

Despite my fear I told my story and people listened and people didn't look down on me or treat me different after sharing my story. I was scared I wouldn't be accepted by the class due to my past but I was wrong, extremely wrong and I feel bad in a way. I feel bad that I thought the people on my course would judge me like that and would not accept me.

To tell my life story I chose to use an image of a flower to represent my life. I chose this because flowers regrow. Each petal represented a milestone in my life and they all came together to create a flower which symbolises who I am today. I know that petals fall off but they grow back, I will have my down days but I will get back up. It took time to make my presentation but it meant a lot to me, to me a flower represents growth and throughout my life I have grown despite my bad experiences, each thing which I have experienced helped me grow. So while now I am currently a full flower there is always going to be a time when a petal or two will fall off and I will have to work to learn from those experiences to grow again.

The point I am trying to make in this post is to follow your heart because you will be surprised at the way people may react to what you have to say. I thought people would react in a negative way when I told them about my experience  but they reacted in a positive way, took it in their stride and didn't judge me.

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