A prisoner of my own mind

A while ago I wrote about a bump in the road that saw me take a step backwards…. That bump is still very much on the road and I am simply coasting along hoping the end is in sight somewhere. But when the end comes I have to ask, how long will it last for? How long will the good times last before we hit another bump? I don’t want this anymore, I no longer want the label I have attached to me, I don’t want borderline personality disorder.

When I was first diagnosed I resisted my diagnoses, last year when I got unwell again and found myself re-entering the mental health services and engaging with the community mental health team I had to use every ounce of energy to truly accept my diagnosis and in many ways empower the label and allow it to help me understand myself. That label, which had a positive purpose no longer holds the same status, now it is simply something I do not want, something which has taken over my mind and body, it is something that I need gone, I need it to disappear, I need five minutes of peace. 

I use the term "normal" lightly. I am very aware that we all have stuff going on in our lives and the definition of "normal" is more of a social construct but right now in my head normal is simply not being riddled with intense emotions and anxiety, not to be in a constant state of overwhelm, its to be able to function in a positive manner and it is simply an ability to exist and deal with what life throws at me in a positive way. 

The truth is I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting against myself in everything I do. From the big things like making sure I get to work to the little things like finding it in myself to shower. Rather than live life, I simply exist. I do what I need to do to get through the day, nothing more, because I simply don’t have the energy to do any more than that. 

I used to embrace my diagnosis at times but now, now I want it gone. I want the thoughts, feelings, emotions and urges to go away. I want somebody to fix me because right now I feel like I need to be fixed. 

I’ve done it all, I’ve done CBT, DBT, psychotherapy, inpatient treatment, I’ve tried medication, treatment in a day hospital and now schema therapy and while I know things take time, while I know there is trial and error but I need something to work.  I need something to fix me because how much longer can I continue to simply exist, how much longer can I keep allowing myself to simply exist, run through the motions and be a prisoner of my own mind.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An unexpected week

Last week I went back to work and to say I was scared would be an understatement! On Sunday night I prepared myself as much as I could for what I anticipated to be one of the worst weeks I would experience in work. I expected to be riddled with anxiety to the point where I wouldn’t be able to go to work- I was not. I expected to feel pure panic as I drove to work each day, bordering on a full-blown panic attack- I did not. I expected to cry, each day over something minor, something small, something that wouldn’t have mattered- I did not. I expected to obsess over everything; put more rituals in place to ensure everything was perfect-I did not. I expected to hide the fact that I had been in hospital for my mental health, I expected to allow the shame I was feeling to take control, I expected to shy away from my colleagues during the week, I expected to fight this battle on my own, but I did not. It was a hard week in many ways, it was the first week back, I was sc...
Read more

Day 14- Two weeks post-op

Image
It's hard to believe it has only been two weeks since my corrective double jaw surgery, it feels like it happened months ago! I was hoping that my two week update would be as positive as my first week update but I’m afraid its not. For about the past week I have been dealing with a lot of pain on my right side particularly at the site of surgery on my lower jaw. Having met with my surgeon last Friday he prescribed another course of antibiotics, as he was concerned there could be a slight infection due to the pain I have been experiencing, much to my dismay the pain in my right side is only worsening. It’s nothing I am very concerned about; I mean it’s only two weeks since the surgery so it is more than likely as a result of you now my jaw being broken! But nevertheless it is something, which I am monitoring and keeping a close eye on, should it continue to worsen over the next couple of days I phone call to the surgeon, might be in store. Swelling has improved a lot sinc...
Read more