There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

A step in the right direction was needed. A new outlook, a positive focus and a vision of a future, and so a couple of months ago I took that step in the right direction, I did it; I felt the fear and did it anyway! I made choices for me and me only, I felt good, happy and content, I felt like this time was going to be different, no more relapse, no more self-harm just take things one day at a time, day by day and I would be ok. Today I have found myself crying, physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I no longer feel I can keep the new, positive and focused Siobhán going. Where did it all go wrong? Did I loose sight of my goal? No, I’m making progress, I’m making payments and for once in my life my goal of becoming an EMT is still within my sights, within my grasp. Did I fall off the wagon? No, I’m taking time for myself, exercising, keeping with a routine and focusing on my emotional regulation skills. Did I give into temptation? No, I have battled through the ...

You think that I don’t notice you staring at my scars, but I notice your eyes darting to my arms within minutes of our conversation starting. You think its not obvious but it is, and while I put on a brave face, continue looking you in the eye I’m hurting on the inside because I know the look you are giving me. I’ve seen it many times before, the look of judgment, disgust, sympathy and the overwhelming lack of trust crossing your face, of fear, of wonder, you ask yourself “why would she show her arms like that?” telling yourself “she must be crazy to do something like that to herself” I see it day in and day out, I face judgment, silent judgment. I don’t go out of my way to cover or hide my scars ; in certain situations I make the personal choice to cover them to protect myself more than to protect those around me. I have scars littering my arms, from shoulders to wrists and hands too. I have scars covering my thighs, from hip to knee and indeed some on my calf too. I have sca...

As many of you know I have been going through a rough patch lately. Over the past number of years I have tried different types of therapies to help me overcome my depression and self-harm, everything from CBT to talk therapy and more recently I have engaged in DBT to try and help my borderline personality disorder.  I feel now as if I have hit a wall. I’ve been fighting to get though this most recent relapse, hoping that somewhere deep down I would be able to find that light, that little bit of hope that would enable me to keep going, to keep fighting and to keep moving forward. I wasn’t quiet sure what form that little bit of hope would come to me in. I was being presented with opportunities to be placed on a waiting list to redo DBT, to work on my skills, ensuring I would be able to cope in stressful situations but I didn’t feel that this was right for me. Having completed DBT once before I felt that there is someone who needs it more than me, someone who will benefit more t...

Over a month ago I wrote about how I had managed a full year without self-harm . An entire year despite some challenging times but I managed a whole year without self-harm and I was over the moon! Proud of myself, glad I finally felt like I was making real progress and I was ready to continue on with my life free from self-harm. About a week or so after that post things took quiet a turn. My mood dipped, my sleep became disturbed my appetite was disappearing and I was finding it increasing difficult to manage my constant changing emotions and soon I found myself battling with the urges to self-harm once again.   It was almost as it had just creeped up on me, I almost didn’t notice this relapse taking over; depression had engulfed me in a matter of days. Simple tasks become a struggle, going to college, scouts, athletics the youth café and even work became a struggle and the enjoyment I got from these activities soon decreased and they simply became the things I had to do t...

I woke up this morning in disbelief, I knew this day was coming, I even marked it on the calendar but even still when I woke up this morning I wasn't really sure if I had actually made it! Today marks one whole year without self-harm, even writing it down shocks me, I never imagined actually lasting a whole year without self-harming in any way shape or form!    It has been tough! I’m not going to lie and I have been faced with many challenges which have encouraged self-harm urges but I have somehow managed to fight them off, to battle through the urges, to sit it out, distract myself, engage with my support system and take back control of my mind and I have made it an entire year without self-harming! I still can't believe it! Last night and even today I found myself retracing my steps, trying to remember if there were times that I self-harmed but didn't admit it, if there were moments when I gave in and let the self-harm take over but there wasn't! Don’t get me wrong...

My self-harm scars are something, which I have a love/hate relationship with. At times I love them, they remind me of my journey, the strength it has taken to stop self-harming and to deal with the reasons why I would harm, they represent my story and have become part of me. Other times I hate them, I hate the very fact that I have destroyed my body, marked it for life, and created something for people to look at, for people to associate with mental illness and stereotypes. My scars are without a doubt a part of me. I have never been the kind of person who has easily gotten into a routine of using creams and moisturizes and while I have used many different creams and oils to help with the appearance of my scars I have never used them for much longer than a few weeks. Why? Well besides forgetting and not bothering it is has always been something I wasn’t sure I want to do, it has very much been something which I wasn’t sure I could do, could I erase such a huge part of my life? Wel...