There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

Its 6.30am and as I am sitting here writing this I am trying to make sense of an overwhelming sense of hope, of belief, of courage and of solidarity. This morning, at 3.30am I made my way along with some family and friends to take part in Darkness into Light, Maynooth and without a doubt it has been an amazing an unforgettable experience. I have often said that there is hope, that things will get better and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes this can be hard to see, and recently I have been struggling to see that hope and light. This morning I saw that light, this morning I took a journey with my family, one which I have made many times before and this morning I travelled from darkness into light. It was more than raising money for a good cause, it was more than doing some exercise, it was physically stepping out of darkness and into light, reinforcing the belief that things can and things do get better. May is green ribbon month, a month in which ...

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I found myself battling to escape a relapse , it ended on a happy note with me feeling I was beginning to see the light, beginning to make a my way out but that has not been the case. The past two weeks have been the hardest two weeks I have had in years. Last week started with a hospital admission after taking an overdose. Four days in A&E hooked up to a drip to protect my liver, one which I wasn’t sure I wanted, the feelings of anger and frustration grew. I was so low, so miserable and desperately wanted a way out, I wanted to escape from my mind, for it to just shut off, to be free from conflicting thoughts that never cease. I got my medical treatment without too much of a fuss, although the staff were aware I wasn’t too gone on the idea and then I waited to see psych. It was foolish of me to think I could get out of the hospital and not have a heart to heart with a member of the psych team.   I told them everything, I figured I h...

Over a month ago I wrote about how I had managed a full year without self-harm . An entire year despite some challenging times but I managed a whole year without self-harm and I was over the moon! Proud of myself, glad I finally felt like I was making real progress and I was ready to continue on with my life free from self-harm. About a week or so after that post things took quiet a turn. My mood dipped, my sleep became disturbed my appetite was disappearing and I was finding it increasing difficult to manage my constant changing emotions and soon I found myself battling with the urges to self-harm once again.   It was almost as it had just creeped up on me, I almost didn’t notice this relapse taking over; depression had engulfed me in a matter of days. Simple tasks become a struggle, going to college, scouts, athletics the youth café and even work became a struggle and the enjoyment I got from these activities soon decreased and they simply became the things I had to do t...

Five years ago in June, the weekend before my junior cert was due to start I had my first suicide attempt. It may have appeared sudden for my family and friends but for me it was something, which had been building up inside me for a number of years. I was feeling miserable, experiencing both physical and emotional pain at the time and I just couldn't cope any more, I couldn't see a future and all I wanted was some relief and at the time the only way I felt I could get the relief was from taking my own life.   People say its selfish to take you're own life but I felt like a burden, I felt that taking my life would make things easier for my family, give them one less thing to deal with and I felt that they would be happier without me, most of my thoughts were based around how much easier their life would be without me. Looking back now its clear that my first suicide attempt was the beginning of my journey with mental health issues, it was at this time th...