There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

Almost 12 years ago my mum died from lung cancer and no she did not smoke. Despite being 12 years since my mum passes the topic still emerges…. Questions like what does your mum do? Or I bet you love going out with your mum? Are still prevalent due to my young age but when people asks those questions and I respond with my mum actually passed away the next logical response is “I’m so sorry to hear that, if you don’t mind me asking how did she die?” Do I mind you asking? No, not any more but do I struggle to tell you how she died? Yes, very much so because quite simply my mum died from lung cancer and no she was not a smoker. Non- Small Cell lung cancer is the type she had, a type of lung cancer that is not directly linked with smoking like others. She battled for 18 months through chemo, medical trials and so much more, something I should almost be proud of because through her battle with cancer my mum showed me the true meaning of life, of family and bravery, she showed me how muc...

Mum, We are fast approaching your 10 year anniversary. Can you believe that? I still remember the day you left us like it was yesterday and as hard as it is not to have you here with us now I am glad you have had your pain and suffering taken away. I often find myself questioning things, like why you got cancer, why you died, why we couldn’t just have a bit more time with you and I always come up with the same answer every time and that answer is that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason yet I’m still struggling to find the reason for you dying, why I was left without a mother at the tender age of 10 when I needed you the most. Everything happens for a reason but what could possibly justify a 10 year old having to watch her mother die? I know it’s not your fault that you died and it certainly wasn’t your fault that you got cancer but when you died I couldn’t help but be angry at you. I couldn’t understand why you would leave me, why you couldn’t jus...

When I was seven years old my life changed significantly, I became a ‘ Big Sister’, a step-sister but a big  sister nonetheless. It was a big change despite not living with my younger step-brother it took a lot of getting used to and to be honest I'm not really sure I ever got used to it. Two years later at the age of nine I welcomed yet another younger step brother into my life and again while it was great not to be the baby amongst my siblings the novelty of having to younger siblings, step siblings soon wore off. Not having fully gotten used to the first new addition the second new addition didn’t make it any easier. I believe that as a result of not living with my younger step-brothers, having two parents constantly fighting and a parent being diagnosed with cancer I wasn’t necessarily in the position to take on the ‘ Big Sister’ role and well because I didn’t live with my younger step-brothers I was still considered the baby of the family.
 If I'm honest when my mum g...

Over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about my mum and specifically about her death and each and every time I think about her I begin to get tearful and find myself asking the same question over and over again, when will it get easier? When my mum died and indeed before my mum died people told me it gets easier, things will be ok and that as time goes by it gets easier to deal with her death, but does it? Does it ever get easier? I still think about my mum everyday, I remember her death so vividly, I can still feel the atmosphere from the hospice room, I can still feel my back against the wall and I can still her the nurses soft voice almost whisper "she's gone". The pain doesn't go away, the hole in my heart has never been filled and the constant reminder that I am never going to see my mum, hug my mum or even talk to my mum again never goes away. Each time I think of my mum, despite the positivists I am plagued with all the negatives, the can...

Today I celebrate my mam's birthday despite the fact she is not here with me today. This year I decided to show people how much she means to me I would post a little poem on my blog. Happy birthday mam, this is for you!                                                                                                                        My mother, my friend so dear A loving smile to guide my way The sunshine to light my day Without you, my life would be filled with darkness You may not be here But I always know you're in my heart  Showing me the way To happiness and peace I lost a mother with a heart of gold But you're spirt still lives on Bringing a smi...

Missing someone you love can occur for many reasons. It may occur due to death, separation, divorce and so much more but in my case and in this blog post today I am going to talk about missing someone you love as a result of death. I have talked a lot about the death of my mam on my blog and this was a huge part of my childhood but I also lost another figure in my life who was more than just a granddad to me, he was a friend, he was my best friend. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of my granddad. I have always had a close relationship with my granddad but after my mam died we grew closer. I have built up a lifetime of memories with my granddad and they are the most precious things to me, nobody will ever be able to take them away from me and well I guess I want to share them with the people who read my blog. I find it hard to talk about my granddad sometimes but never  to blog about him, it just flows out of me like a river flows downhill. I always have my grandd...

I remember the 29 th of July 2005 like it was yesterday. I normal day with a normal, well more like a routine at this stage trip to the hospice. All was well; my mam had been sedated as per usual. She didn’t know if we were there with her, but we were. We were there every day. We sat by her bedside for about an hour or so, as we usually did. Finally it was time for us to go, like every other night I leaned over my mam and kiss her goodbye on her forehead. I whispered “I love you” into her ear as I stood up straight.   Saying goodbye as I walked out of the room was the same as I did every other night, what I didn’t know was this was the last time I would ever tell my mam that I loved her or kissed her while she was alive. Finally the day we had all been waiting for came, the day she passed away. It was the 30th of July 2005. It was the same as every other day; we all went into see my mam in the hospice that evening. My granddad came with us as well; he usually did come with u...

Cancer is something that nobody ever wants to hear about becoming part of their family. At the age of eight I was introduced into the world of a person living with cancer. Words such as chemo and trail drugs became part of my everyday language. I was shoved into a world of hospitals and doctors that I didn't want to be in. I was in an unrecognisable place and I didn't like it, I wanted out but there's was no way out. There was only a long road of pain, suffering, good days, and bad days lying ahead of us. The only way out was to go through it. We had to pull together as a family and face cancer head on. We had to support my mam and help her along. We put everything from the past in the past and we came together as a family to fight against this and that is what we did, we stuck together and fought cancer as a family. A long fifteen month battle with cancer was lying ahead of my mother, but we were fighting with her every step of the way. My mam would have good times w...