Does it get easier?

Over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about my mum and specifically about her death and each and every time I think about her I begin to get tearful and find myself asking the same question over and over again, when will it get easier?

When my mum died and indeed before my mum died people told me it gets easier, things will be ok and that as time goes by it gets easier to deal with her death, but does it? Does it ever get easier? I still think about my mum everyday, I remember her death so vividly, I can still feel the atmosphere from the hospice room, I can still feel my back against the wall and I can still her the nurses soft voice almost whisper "she's gone". The pain doesn't go away, the hole in my heart has never been filled and the constant reminder that I am never going to see my mum, hug my mum or even talk to my mum again never goes away. Each time I think of my mum, despite the positivists I am plagued with all the negatives, the cancer, the hospitals, the hospice and her death and I find myself again asking does it get easier?

I have thought about that question a lot, almost everyday I think about when it might get easier to deal with my mums death, her illness and indeed the fact that she actually is gone, not just for a day, a week, a month, a year but she's gone forever. When I think about the question, does it get easier? I realize that it does, each day I think of my mum and each time of think of my mum I get this feeling, a feeling that grows and develops the more and more I think of my mum. It’s a feeling I struggle to describe but this feeling is proof that things get easier. I still think of my mums death, I still thinking of her and her illness and I still struggle to come to terms with the fact my mum is gone even after 9 year but the feeling deep inside me which grows each and every time I think of her allows me to realize it gets easier. 

This feeling makes me feel comfortable, hopeful, grateful for the years I had with her and most of this feeling makes me feel happy, happy that she's not suffering, happy that I can remember her and happy that I know she is somewhere keeping me safe. So while I continue to question at times whether things get easier, I realize they do because as the years go by, as your heart aches you begin to realize that no matter what, no matter what you believe in the person you have lost is still around you, they are still there and they are what’s keeping you going each and everyday making each day that bit easier than the last.

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