The monster in my life

Dazed and adrift I found myself consumed by the never ending negative thoughts of self-harming.

The idea of relief, begin able to breath and finally getting a break from the thoughts in my head are what I wish to achieve but does self-harming really do that? Yes it does, it allows me to relax, to breath and to have a clear head but of course there is always a negative. This relief, this break from my mind and this chance to breath is always short lived as once I begin to be free from my thoughts the urges and thoughts of self-harming come flooding back.

There feels like there is no escape, you begin to feel trapped and you are consumed with the idea of the positives which no matter how small self-harm can provide. It breaks you down bit by bit, ensuring you feel worthless, hopeless and isolated. It challenges any positive thoughts which you may have and ensures to capture any hopes you may have for the future and for overcoming your self-harm. It consumes every part of your life, affects your sleep, your appetite and you as a person but it goes further than just you.

It begins to work its way into the minds of your family. It destroys them as much as it destroys you, it causes worry, upset and fear that you may one day take your self-harm to far and unintentionally end your life. It makes your family and friends become cautious around you, watch what they say and wrap you in bubble wrap in order to ensure they are not responsible for any incidents of self-harm which may occur as a result of a conversation or spending time with a loved one.

Self-harm is like a twister, rushing in and breaking down your life, and the ones you love. It is like a drug, you crave it, desire it and will go to great lengths to ensure you get your next "fix" It begins with something small, just a scratch but it soon develops into something more, the cuts get deeper, the  amount blood is more, it takes longer to heal and the scars are larger.

While self-harm can provide immediate relief which can be seen as a positive the long term effect can have devastating effects. While right now it seems like a good thing its not, while this is the only way you know how to cope there are other ways, while you feel alone in your situation right now you're not and do you know how I know all this? I know because my self-harm got bigger and bigger, the effects began to become more negative and I watched as it destroyed both my friends and family.

I am now left with scars all over my body, scars which at times give me strength but at other times cause me to be judged, bullied and self-conscious. They have the power to control my actions, they have the power to decided my clothing choices and they have the power to decide if I will be accepted by society. While self-harm can give you relief it can destroy you, your family and cause you to be judged by society.

I have suffered from many years and I continue to suffer from this terrible addiction, while I now have more control over my self-harm I still suffer from the negative effects of self-harm. Don't make the same mistakes I have made, don't make that first cut reach out for some help, go online, talk to a family member, a friend, a teacher, a youth worker anybody who you feel comfortable talking to. Don't let self-harm into you're life, it will consume you and take over your life in next to no time. Don't destroy your body, cause hurt to yourself and allow self-harm into your life. There are other coping methods and they have more positive outcomes.

So should you feel that you want to harm yourself take a moment and ask yourself this question, Do I really want to let this monster into my life?

Should you be struggling contact Pieta House on 01-6010000

Dealing with a mental health issue

Around about four years ago I was diagnosed with depression and since then I have gone through years of treatment including psychotherapy and CBT as well as taking medication every day for almost three years. It took a while for me to come to terms with depression and it was not something, which I came to terms with over night, it took weeks for me to accept that I had depression. It challenged my thoughts, provided me with relief putting a name to my feelings, made me think about life and the way I was living and it made me realize there was a hole other world, the world of mental health.

Today I attended my weekly appointment with my community mental health key worker to discuss my new treatment plan. While learning about things they used in order to make my care plan something interesting arose. I was told I DO NOT HAVE DEPRESSION, you night think that I would be reveled that I do not have a mental illness but I was then informed that while not having an illness I have a mental health disorder and I actually have borderline personality disorder. Confused, lost, and shocked I could only manage to ask the question “So I don’t have depression?” No I do not have depression, I have borderline personality disorder. While I don’t have depression given the nature of BPD I have experienced depressive symptoms.

Right now as I am writing this I am losing my train of though because I don’t really know what to be thinking. I came to terms with having depression only to be told I do not have depression but BPD.So I wish I could have a point to this post but I really don’t, I a lot of personal stuff with my readers and so I felt I should do the same again. Keep an eye out for some post with information regarding BPD.

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