Photo of the day :)

This guy, my big bro inspires me more than you can imagine!

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ?

According to the Borderline personality can be described as the following:

“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems. With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.”
To be honest reading over that definition of BPD I question is that really what I have and the reality is that it is although I have not necessarily fully accepted my diagnoses yet. The reasons why I have not accepted this diagnoses of BPD is because I have not really taken the time to research it, identity the symptoms which I have and finds way of tackling those symptoms. This blog post is my way of beginning to accept and understand my diagnoses of BPD.

A person with BPD often finds it hard to cope with the limiting demands of the world around them, something which I don’t feel I can connect with. People with this disorder may often take impulsive actions and can have relationships which become chaotic and unstable as a result of those impulsive actions. I myself do act on impulsions, specifically and impulsions which are related to self harm. I have gained control over my self-harm but there are times where I struggle with the impulses and sometimes I can indeed give into those impulsions.

BPD is often misunderstood. It is more common than other recognized mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. BPD is a serious condition because many people with the condition are prone to self-harm and attempt suicide.

Becoming aware of the symptoms of BPD which I can identify within myself are the following:

·      Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
·      Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
·      Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
·      Suicidal behavior
·      Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
·      Fear of being alone

Being able to identify these symptoms of BPD which are within myself has allowed me the opportunity to being to understand my condition as well as work towards acceptance of the condition. Above is a description of BPD as well as the symptoms which are relative to me, symptoms which I struggle with at different times in my life, some more than others and some more extreme than others.

Photo of the day. :)

My hope bracelet made by Creative Cookie with 1 euro from each bracelet going to LJNP


I previously wrote about my underbite and how I will be getting surgery to fix my bite and since then a lot of progress has been made. Since I wrote One step closer to the perfect bite I have had two significant things occur. 

First I went through with the dreaded wisdom tooth extraction with pretty much no problems!! It was a relief to get it over and done with and since I was asleep I can't actually remember anything! So I went into the dentist and he pit me asleep and then next thing you know I was crying in the car because the dentist never gave me my teeth back, not that I actually wanted them back or anything but the sedation had me a bit all over the place. The only thing I really remember then was trying to do a vlog, which was unsuccessful and the sleeping until Tuesday. The pain wasn't too bad to be honest, the second day after the extraction was the most painful but once I learned to manage the pain it was not a bother! I was pretty exhausted for the week and I felt mentally drained. Looking back over it now there was no reason for me to be so scared and nervous but as a result of having anxiety it is something which makes things like this much worse. I got through it though, my teeth came out easily according to the dentist, any stitches I had dissolved and I am healing very well with no sign of infections. I have to wait until they heal fully which will be about 3-4 months depending before I can get my surgery because many people like to wait until it is healed before they cut the jaw again, well its something like that anyway.

The second significant thing is the closing of two gaps in my teeth which are causing in my opinion a delay in allowing me to move on to meeting with the surgeon and preparing for surgery bu according to my dentist everything is going according to plan. The two gaps are being closed by elastic bands pulling them together which is very sore after getting them changed but it is manageable. I have two gaps, one is almost closed and should between now and the next time I go to the dentist while the second gap may need more time as it is bigger but other than that I am pretty much on my way to getting my surgery.

I am missing one bracket which needs to be put back on eventually, sometime soon so as to make sure the tooth doesn't move. Once all that is done I then need to have some moods, photos and x-rays done and sent to my surgeon, then I get to wait to meet with him and set a date for the operation, which should hopefully be sometime before the end of the year.

Right now I'm pretty excited about getting the operation, I can't wait to say goodbye to my underbite, something which over the past couple of weeks has really been getting me down but I think that is a post for another day and will include some photos. Over the next couple of weeks I have two more posts planned about my surgery, a post about another Irish blogger who went through the same surgery and the support her blog has given me, some posts planned about mental health as well as physical health and then some unique, random and general blog posts so please do forgive me for the lack of positing. So to end this post I have made progress and am continuing to do so and hopefully my undebite will be disappearing pretty soon.

Whats the point?

I have spent almost the past 14 years doing athletics, a sport I love, a sport I couldn’t imagine a life with out and a sport that has introduced me to a community, a community where I belong but somewhere along the way something changed and as I sit here writing I find myself fighting back the tears because a sport which I once could not imagine living with out is the sport that is causing me pain, mentally and physically.

Athletics has always been apart of my life, the members of Celbridge Ac are my second family yet I feel I may have reached a point where I need to leave the nest, move on from athletics and say goodbye to my second family. Maybe I’m having a bad couple of days, maybe its my depression or maybe its just time to move on like so many others who were once apart of Celbridge Ac. Is it finally time to move over and make way for the next generation of athletes?

People say why don’t you try coaching and I have, for the past year I have helped coaching a group of younger athletes but recently even that has become a chore for a number of reasons, I am not a qualified coach, some of the young people I coach do not respect me and because I don’t really know if the young people are benefiting from it.

I find myself asking the same question over and over again, whats the point in doing athletics anymore? Maybe my time has come to leave, make way for newer athletes, better coaches and do as so may others have including my own brothers and say goodbye. Is it what I want? I don’t know, I feel confused, lost and like I have just hit a brick wall, maybe a break would be good but what happens if that break isnt, what happens if I loose interest altogether, isolate myself and allow my depression to take control.

I feel myself getting worked up over this issue but hopefully over the next couple of days I can take some time to myself for some reflection and finally get an answer to my question “Whats the point?”
© There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel. Design by Studio Kiwi.