There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

As a child I was told that it was wrong to tell a lie, as I grew up I learned that it wasn’t so black and white- is lying always wrong? Throughout my life I have learned that when it comes to protecting the ones you love that lying might not always be wrong and I guess that’s why I did it, I guess in order to protect my family I did what I thought was right and I lied. When I began to feel sad, isolated, and hopeless and life wasn’t worth living I would lie. I told people I was ok, I said “I’m fine” I didn’t want to let them in, I didn’t want to let them know I was dying inside and I didn’t want to hurt them or to worry them and so I lied, I said “I’m fine” I lied day after day; I lie so I can protect those around me. To my family, my friends, and my colleagues. It’s not a conscious decision to lie, but a conscious decision to protect those around me but also to protect myself. I say it with a smile on my face when some asks, “How are you?” It protects me from opening up about...

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I found myself battling to escape a relapse , it ended on a happy note with me feeling I was beginning to see the light, beginning to make a my way out but that has not been the case. The past two weeks have been the hardest two weeks I have had in years. Last week started with a hospital admission after taking an overdose. Four days in A&E hooked up to a drip to protect my liver, one which I wasn’t sure I wanted, the feelings of anger and frustration grew. I was so low, so miserable and desperately wanted a way out, I wanted to escape from my mind, for it to just shut off, to be free from conflicting thoughts that never cease. I got my medical treatment without too much of a fuss, although the staff were aware I wasn’t too gone on the idea and then I waited to see psych. It was foolish of me to think I could get out of the hospital and not have a heart to heart with a member of the psych team.   I told them everything, I figured I h...

Five years ago in June, the weekend before my junior cert was due to start I had my first suicide attempt. It may have appeared sudden for my family and friends but for me it was something, which had been building up inside me for a number of years. I was feeling miserable, experiencing both physical and emotional pain at the time and I just couldn't cope any more, I couldn't see a future and all I wanted was some relief and at the time the only way I felt I could get the relief was from taking my own life.   People say its selfish to take you're own life but I felt like a burden, I felt that taking my life would make things easier for my family, give them one less thing to deal with and I felt that they would be happier without me, most of my thoughts were based around how much easier their life would be without me. Looking back now its clear that my first suicide attempt was the beginning of my journey with mental health issues, it was at this time th...

This past week has been rough. I’m not going to lie it has been a week full of  stress, anger, fear, frustration sadness and buckets of tears. These feelings however have not come completely out of the blue exactly but something has triggered them, something which for a while I have shoved under the carpet and choose not to deal with. I had many reasons for choosing not to deal with this issues and despite knowing that its not good to hold it all inside I continued to keep it contained until it came back to mind. I chose to bury it and that is what I did for years and right now while I am writing this I am regretting my decision not to address that issue. While this  issue is not something I feel comfortable talking about on my blog at this early stage I will go so far as to say it is related to my feelings towards my own self-harming behaviour. Despite realizing that theses feelings have come from somewhere I am not 100% certain that they have all come from that same pl...

Dazed and adrift I found myself consumed by the never ending negative thoughts of self-harming. The idea of relief, begin able to breath and finally getting a break from the thoughts in my head are what I wish to achieve but does self-harming really do that? Yes it does, it allows me to relax, to breath and to have a clear head but of course there is always a negative. This relief, this break from my mind and this chance to breath is always short lived as once I begin to be free from my thoughts the urges and thoughts of self-harming come flooding back. There feels like there is no escape, you begin to feel trapped and you are consumed with the idea of the positives which no matter how small self-harm can provide. It breaks you down bit by bit, ensuring you feel worthless, hopeless and isolated. It challenges any positive thoughts which you may have and ensures to capture any hopes you may have for the future and for overcoming your self-harm. It consumes every part of your life, a...