I’m a liar

As a child I was told that it was wrong to tell a lie, as I grew up I learned that it wasn’t so black and white- is lying always wrong? Throughout my life I have learned that when it comes to protecting the ones you love that lying might not always be wrong and I guess that’s why I did it, I guess in order to protect my family I did what I thought was right and I lied.

When I began to feel sad, isolated, and hopeless and life wasn’t worth living I would lie. I told people I was ok, I said “I’m fine” I didn’t want to let them in, I didn’t want to let them know I was dying inside and I didn’t want to hurt them or to worry them and so I lied, I said “I’m fine”

I lied day after day; I lie so I can protect those around me. To my family, my friends, and my colleagues. It’s not a conscious decision to lie, but a conscious decision to protect those around me but also to protect myself. I say it with a smile on my face when some asks, “How are you?” It protects me from opening up about what’s troubling me, it protects me from letting you in, it protects me from judgment, abandonment, and it protects me.

Sometimes I say, “I’m fine” because I know how people will react. I know some people will think the worst if they know how I really feel, I know they will jump to conclusions, worry, want to protect me and suffocate me in order to keep me safe. I appreciate it, I really do, but sometimes that can do more harm than good. Sometimes I lie because I fear people will think I’m looking for attention, think I’m making up and it will hinder our relationship. Sometimes I lie to avoid being a burden, so people can get on with their own life and not have to worry about me. And sometimes, sometimes I lie because I don’t want to admit to myself that I’m not doing ok, that I might need some extra support and that I am not able to go through this alone.

I have got to a stage in my life where I try to be honest, I try to open up and I try to avoid telling people “I’m fine” when I know and they know that I’m not. Its hard you see because I can never be too sure how people are going to react, I think to myself if a lie protects someone else from hurting then surely that is the better thing to do, is it not? Its hard because I don’t want to make a conscious decision to lie but at the same time I recognise that sometimes it is a conscious decision because I so desperately want to protect those around me. I try not to lie, I try to be honest but its hard and sometimes when the people I care most about find out I have lied it causes more damage, but at the same time being upfront and honest can cause more damage also. 

I know that no matter what the ones who care about me are always going to worry and try to help, regardless of whether or not I tell them how I am really feeling, so it begs the questions is lying only making things harder for me?