Life after a suicide attempt

I have had a number of suicide attempts since I was a teenager with my most recent only being a fewmonths ago. It’s a strange thing, when you feel that taking your life is the only option. It’s a lonely feeling, feeling as if there is no one else around you who can understand what you are feeling. And it is a scaring feeling when you realize for whatever reason that your attempt has not been successful.

Why is it scary? Well depending on your method you think what could the long term damage, if any, be. I know that might not seem like something that could cross your mind but for me, particularly after the most recent attempt it was an issue that created a large amount of fear among other emotions. But it’s scary for other reasons too. Your scared of how people will react, how you will go about getting on with your life, will you try it again? When it doesn’t work your scared, how will I be able to live when I can’t think, feel, or function normally? Did I really want to die? What happens next? But sometimes too you may feel hopeful, hopeful that this attempt will get you the help and support that you so desperately desire and need.

Life after a suicide attempt isn’t easy. People are not always sure about what they can do to help you, how they can support you, and often they find themselves treating you differently although that may not be their intention. Sometimes after a suicide attempt people expect you to go back to your life, doing what you did before and pretend that nothing ever happened but it doesn’t always work that way. There are some things that people, in order to be able to help you, need to know after a suicide attempt and these things are:

Going back to everyday life is hard.
Its not easy to get up and get back into your routine after a suicide attempt after all I wasn’t planning on being here to do that so it takes extra energy, strength and support to ease yourself back into a routine. Its an overwhelming time, full of emotions, and in order to help someone you need to be patient, you cannot expect everything to just go back to “normal” and even if things do go back to “normal” that doesn’t mean you are support the person experiencing a crisis because what is normal for you may be hell for them.

You want me to recover and so do I but that doesn’t mean it is going to be simple and quick. Recovery takes time and it has its ups and downs. It is a journey that needs time; it’s a journey that requires you to take a few wrong turns in order to find the right path. It is a process and although it might not be apparent I do desperately cling to the idea that there is some hope, some possibility that I can and will recover. But most of all I need you to know that I need you to help me recognize and claim the small victories, getting out of bed on a bad day, going for a walk, just making it through the day is essential for recovering.

I care.
I know you will feel that I don’t care; you will think if you cared about me you wouldn’t leave me, am I right? But the fact is that it is because I care about you so much I couldn’t stand to watch you see me hurting. I couldn’t face being the reason for your sadness. It is because I care so much that I hope you will have a better life without me, without me as a burden, weighing you down preventing you from doing things. Anything I have ever done was not to hurt you but to stop hurting me and to prevent me from hurting you. I thought I was protecting you, solving the problem and giving you your life back. I didn’t do it because I didn’t care; in my mind this was my way of showing that I care.

It’s not your fault.
Your going to ask yourself is this because of me? Did I do something to make her want to die? To make her try and take her own life and the answer is no, this is not your fault. In order for me to recover, to cling onto that little bit of hope I have left I need you to stop blaming yourself, I need you to know that you are not the reason for my actions nor is it your responsibility to “fix” me. It was my decision, my choice, the only choice I felt I had left. It was not your fault and you need to believe me.

I need you.
There will be times when I wont want to talk to you, I will push you away and tell you I hate you but the truth is I need you because without you I wont be able to recover, I wont be able to come out the other side and I wont be able to live, to be happy, to feel positive emotions. It will be hard because I wont let you in, I will shut you out, screen your calls, slam doors in your face, and call you every name under the sun but I need you. I need you to stick by me, I need you to know that with you by my side I will be able to come out the other side because if I loose you what else do I have to live for?

Suicide is a scary thing not just for you but also for the person who attempted it. Life after a suicide attempt requires time and patience but must of all some love and care. In order to recover, and I do believe recovery is possible, we will need each other, to walk hand in hand and to come out the other side!

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