I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 19, a condition which can only be diagnosed after turning 18 it was clear that it had been fostering within me for many years before hand, side by side with my depression. When I was diagnosed I did the usual googling to find out as much as I could and what I found out only increased my anxieties surrounding my condition! Despite this though it did help, having a name, having something to relate to, its almost like being able to account for the reasons as to why I respond to things in certain ways, it has helped me to understand myself. Although it has contributed to a greater understanding and self-awareness it has not been without its difficulties, dealing with BPD is a daily issue, one that feels like a never ending cycle, almost as if I have been sentenced to a life with BPD.
I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I almost feel like I don’t have BPD, when I a not so sensitive to different things that happen, when I don’t fly off the handle for someone living a cup at the sink or when I don’t cry because I see something sad, its almost as if I feel “normal” I have good days where I don’t act on my impulses, where I don’t automatically reach for something to self-harm with when I’m in distress and I almost begin to feel like I’m “normal” I have days where I experience positive relationships with people rather than one minute hating them and the next minute loving them and I almost begin to feel “normal” After being diagnosed with borderline I because to feel even more out of the norm than before. Initially experiencing depression made me feel like an outcast, excluded from society but when the diagnosis of borderline was added, despite its benefits for understanding myself I truly felt like I didn’t belong within society, like I was something that dropped down from space, an alien.
It has been a continuous battle with borderline, one, which I feel I’m loosing. I so desperately want to win; I am clinging on to every little ounce of hope that I can find but there are days when I am defeated, resigned to the fact that I will live with BPD for the rest of my life. I’ve done DBT and now I’m hoping Pieta House can help with the self-harm aspect but it will never be gone, BPD almost seems like it will be apart of me for the rest of my days. Can I live with it? Can I really live with this emotion deregulation, struggling with relationships and desperately fighting not to act on impulses? It just seems that BPD is apart of me and its here to stay.
How can I know that my feelings will dissipate when they are so strong that they leave me feeling hopeless, worthless and exhausted? When will the anger fade? When will the sadness lessen? When will the anxiety calm? Nothing lasts forever right? So why do these feelings never cease to exist? When will I overcome my fear of abandonment, will I ever? How will I become accept the ever-changing nature of the world? When will I no longer fear the pain associated with friendships and relationships?
I want to say that BPD is not a life sentence, I want to say that it will not control me, or hinder me throughout my life but the uncertainty, the lack of clarity and the confusion surrounding it prevents me from seeing a future without BPD in my life.