An unexpected week

Last week I went back to work and to say I was scared would be an understatement! On Sunday night I prepared myself as much as I could for what I anticipated to be one of the worst weeks I would experience in work.

I expected to be riddled with anxiety to the point where I wouldn’t be able to go to work- I was not.

I expected to feel pure panic as I drove to work each day, bordering on a full-blown panic attack- I did not.

I expected to cry, each day over something minor, something small, something that wouldn’t have mattered- I did not.

I expected to obsess over everything; put more rituals in place to ensure everything was perfect-I did not.

I expected to hide the fact that I had been in hospital for my mental health, I expected to allow the shame I was feeling to take control, I expected to shy away from my colleagues during the week, I expected to fight this battle on my own, but I did not.

It was a hard week in many ways, it was the first week back, I was scared of judgments, I was scared people would be cautious, I was scared that an element of trust may have been lost, and while some of these fears were justified, some were not, all of them did not become reality.

I was welcomed back to work, I felt supported by my colleagues, I felt like I belonged and I felt like I didn’t have to hide. I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect in work, to not let anybody see that I’m struggling, I wanted to hide it all and fight it all on my own but that wasn’t possible, that contributed to me having to go into hospital.

Nobody needs to know the ins and outs of my struggles, but letting people know a minimum, letting them know I have mental health issues is enough to get the support I need. Not only does it allow me to get the support I need, it allows me to not feel so fake, it allows me to feel like me, it allows me to feel human.

The week was hard and I was overwhelmed at times but I survived. I had a couple of rough days where I thought to myself “ I really don’t want to go to work” and for me they were extremely difficult thoughts to experience but the reality is I was overwhelmed and that was ok. I have been in a constant state of overwhelm for a long time now but its beginning to lessen. While the thoughts, feelings and emotions continue to make me feel like I’m on a never ending rollercoaster I feel like I’m emerging from a crisis, I feel like I can ensure my safety, and I feel like I have an element of control over my emotions.

Its been rough, as I write this my mind is racing challenging everything, adding new pressures that I don’t need but for now I have to accept that is how my mind works. Ill obsess over little things, I will feel intense anxiety, I will have days where I will cry endlessly, feel anxious and overwhelmed but that’s ok, I have to accept that and ride the storm. Will I feel the same about this tomorrow, probably not but that’s important because it allows me to value the time when I can feel positive about things.