12.7.14

A step in the right direction


I recently began my medication reduction with the aim of coming off my antidepressants completely. This is a huge step for me and has been a long time coming. I was initially out on this medication just before I went into hospital in 2011 after my first antidepressants fails to help improve my mood. After going into hospital my medication was increased something, which happened quiet often, and a month or two after being discharged from hospital it was increased to the highest dose possible. So after spending almost three years on these meds I am absolute delighted to have finally begun my reduction with the support of my GP.

Despite the sense of security my meds provided me for many years I have wanted to come off them for a while but all the doctors and nurses I have been seeing over the years always felt it wasn’t the right time, but then again is there ever a right time to come off medication. Not really sure if there is ever a good time to come off antidepressants now was a good a time as any, I have been doing good lately with very few bad days and I haven’t self-harmed in over three months, a huge achievement for me.

This decision to come off my medication under medical supervision, slowly over a course of a few months was a hard decision despite wanting to come off them for so long now. I have been taking these meds everyday for almost three years, they have helped improve my mood, allowed me to gain control of my thoughts and helped me get out of a really dark place so I think it goes without saying that they created a sense of security within me, a feeling of hope and made me more positive about battle my mental health issues. I had to make this decision for myself, no doctor or nurse could decide for me because after all they don’t know what’s going on in my head, I am the only person who can really and truly know if it is a good idea to begin med reduction. Without the support of my doctor though I would not have been able to begin this process because at the end of the day it is dangerous and stupid to try and reduce antidepressants without medical supervision. 

Despite getting off to a positive start on the lower dose of medication I do still fear I could go back to my old ways, self-harming, having very bad days and being depressed but that is a risk I needed to take, it is the fear of going back to my old ways which has helped me to focus and ensure that does not happen and taking this risk to fight my battles without medication eventually is something which I needed to take in order to truly deal with and overcome my mental health issues. So yeah I’m scared but that fear is what is driving me to ensure I do not go back to my old ways for as long as possible.

I honestly don’t know how this will go, if I will come off my meds completely or if I will need to be on a lower dose or if I cant function without being on the highest dose, I really don’t know and to be honest I am not going to attempt to predict the future because right now I’m taking a step in the right direction, starting a road which is covered with fog and they only way to know what lies ahead is to take it one step at a time, dealing with issues as they arise and learning from my mistakes.

1.7.14

Reconnecting


Something happened to me about a week and a half ago, something which I never expected to happen and something which was really out of the blue, about a week and a half ago a family member from my mothers side made contact with me. I know you may be thinking what is so surprising about that but you have to understand that my interaction with my mothers side of the family decreased incredibly after her death.

A week and a half ago I received a friend request of Facebook from my godmother who also happens to be one of my mums cousins. Now initially I wasn't sure who the person was as a result of the change in last name but after a few moments it clicked with me who she was. Now I'm not great with building relationships and it is something which I have spent a lot of time working on both personally and professionally as a result of the nature of youth work but again it is still something which I can often struggle with. When accepting this friend request I didn't think anything would come from it, maybe a how are you here and there but nothing really and that's not because of the person who contacted me, it was because of the 9 year gap of not being in contact and my anxieties about engaging with my mothers side of the family for a fear of bringing up painful memories associated with her death etc.

Soon after I accepted the friend request a conversation was initiated on her behalf and in next to know time arrangements were made to meet up for coffee and a chat. I didn't have time to allow my anxieties to prevent me from saying yes to meeting up, which is something I am grateful for.  Not only did this coffee date allow me to have a chat with my godmother and get an insight into her life and that of her mother as she was also there it also allowed me establish further contact with that side of the family, contact which I intend to ensure continues. This chat which lasted for just an hour done something to me, it allowed something to develop, it created this sense of security, a sense of love and most of all it created a sense of closeness to my mum, something which I haven't felt for a while, something which I have been longing for but didn't quite know it until now.

Reflecting over the interaction with my mums side of the family and basically the whole process of my godmother taking the time to get in contact with me, despite the 9 year gap which was unpreventable as a result of family circumstances has really triggered something within me, it has allowed me to have a more positive aspect on life and it really and truly means the world to me. What has happened to me internally as a result of this reconnection with my mums side of the families something which words cannot describe and I would urge anybody who has lost touch with family or friends to take the first step and make the initiate contact, I only wish I could have been the one to initiate communication with my godmother but nonetheless it really can have an amazing effect on you internally as a person, it did for me and there is no reason it shouldn't for you.


29.6.14

28.6.14

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ?


According to the MayoClinic.org Borderline personality can be described as the following:

“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems. With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.”
To be honest reading over that definition of BPD I question is that really what I have and the reality is that it is although I have not necessarily fully accepted my diagnoses yet. The reasons why I have not accepted this diagnoses of BPD is because I have not really taken the time to research it, identity the symptoms which I have and finds way of tackling those symptoms. This blog post is my way of beginning to accept and understand my diagnoses of BPD.

A person with BPD often finds it hard to cope with the limiting demands of the world around them, something which I don’t feel I can connect with. People with this disorder may often take impulsive actions and can have relationships which become chaotic and unstable as a result of those impulsive actions. I myself do act on impulsions, specifically and impulsions which are related to self harm. I have gained control over my self-harm but there are times where I struggle with the impulses and sometimes I can indeed give into those impulsions.

BPD is often misunderstood. It is more common than other recognized mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. BPD is a serious condition because many people with the condition are prone to self-harm and attempt suicide.

Becoming aware of the symptoms of BPD which I can identify within myself are the following:

·      Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
·      Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
·      Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
·      Suicidal behavior
·      Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
·      Fear of being alone


Being able to identify these symptoms of BPD which are within myself has allowed me the opportunity to being to understand my condition as well as work towards acceptance of the condition. Above is a description of BPD as well as the symptoms which are relative to me, symptoms which I struggle with at different times in my life, some more than others and some more extreme than others.

14.6.14

11.6.14

Progress


I previously wrote about my underbite and how I will be getting surgery to fix my bite and since then a lot of progress has been made. Since I wrote One step closer to the perfect bite I have had two significant things occur. 

First I went through with the dreaded wisdom tooth extraction with pretty much no problems!! It was a relief to get it over and done with and since I was asleep I can't actually remember anything! So I went into the dentist and he pit me asleep and then next thing you know I was crying in the car because the dentist never gave me my teeth back, not that I actually wanted them back or anything but the sedation had me a bit all over the place. The only thing I really remember then was trying to do a vlog, which was unsuccessful and the sleeping until Tuesday. The pain wasn't too bad to be honest, the second day after the extraction was the most painful but once I learned to manage the pain it was not a bother! I was pretty exhausted for the week and I felt mentally drained. Looking back over it now there was no reason for me to be so scared and nervous but as a result of having anxiety it is something which makes things like this much worse. I got through it though, my teeth came out easily according to the dentist, any stitches I had dissolved and I am healing very well with no sign of infections. I have to wait until they heal fully which will be about 3-4 months depending before I can get my surgery because many people like to wait until it is healed before they cut the jaw again, well its something like that anyway.

The second significant thing is the closing of two gaps in my teeth which are causing in my opinion a delay in allowing me to move on to meeting with the surgeon and preparing for surgery bu according to my dentist everything is going according to plan. The two gaps are being closed by elastic bands pulling them together which is very sore after getting them changed but it is manageable. I have two gaps, one is almost closed and should between now and the next time I go to the dentist while the second gap may need more time as it is bigger but other than that I am pretty much on my way to getting my surgery.

I am missing one bracket which needs to be put back on eventually, sometime soon so as to make sure the tooth doesn't move. Once all that is done I then need to have some moods, photos and x-rays done and sent to my surgeon, then I get to wait to meet with him and set a date for the operation, which should hopefully be sometime before the end of the year.

Right now I'm pretty excited about getting the operation, I can't wait to say goodbye to my underbite, something which over the past couple of weeks has really been getting me down but I think that is a post for another day and will include some photos. Over the next couple of weeks I have two more posts planned about my surgery, a post about another Irish blogger who went through the same surgery and the support her blog has given me, some posts planned about mental health as well as physical health and then some unique, random and general blog posts so please do forgive me for the lack of positing. So to end this post I have made progress and am continuing to do so and hopefully my undebite will be disappearing pretty soon.


3.6.14

Whats the point?

I have spent almost the past 14 years doing athletics, a sport I love, a sport I couldn’t imagine a life with out and a sport that has introduced me to a community, a community where I belong but somewhere along the way something changed and as I sit here writing I find myself fighting back the tears because a sport which I once could not imagine living with out is the sport that is causing me pain, mentally and physically.

Athletics has always been apart of my life, the members of Celbridge Ac are my second family yet I feel I may have reached a point where I need to leave the nest, move on from athletics and say goodbye to my second family. Maybe I’m having a bad couple of days, maybe its my depression or maybe its just time to move on like so many others who were once apart of Celbridge Ac. Is it finally time to move over and make way for the next generation of athletes?

People say why don’t you try coaching and I have, for the past year I have helped coaching a group of younger athletes but recently even that has become a chore for a number of reasons, I am not a qualified coach, some of the young people I coach do not respect me and because I don’t really know if the young people are benefiting from it.

I find myself asking the same question over and over again, whats the point in doing athletics anymore? Maybe my time has come to leave, make way for newer athletes, better coaches and do as so may others have including my own brothers and say goodbye. Is it what I want? I don’t know, I feel confused, lost and like I have just hit a brick wall, maybe a break would be good but what happens if that break isnt, what happens if I loose interest altogether, isolate myself and allow my depression to take control.


I feel myself getting worked up over this issue but hopefully over the next couple of days I can take some time to myself for some reflection and finally get an answer to my question “Whats the point?”

26.4.14

One step closer to the perfect bite!!

Something which I have never shared with you guys is about my physical health, more my physical appearance. What I am about to share with you guys isn't anything major but has affected me both physically and mentally and in the coming months it is all going to change.

When I was about 11 years old my dentist sent me off to see an orthodontist in St. Jamses hospital. I didn’t know why until I got there when it was explained to me that I have an underbite. This basically means that my bottom jaw comes out further then it should creating a gap between my lower and upper jaw. I guess your asking yourself why is having an underbite a big deal? Well for the past number of years it has affected my appearance especially in my teenage years, although it was never something I was hugely self conscious about I knew it was there. Not only did it affect my appearance but it has also affect my eating, because my underbite was originally bad enough to avail of public dental treatment it meant I couldn’t bit thin things such as sandwiches and pieces of ham with my front teeth. It wasn’t extremely bad but again it was something which I was aware of. Over the years I had annual appointments with my orthodontist to monitor my growth, take photos, x-rays and make some moulds. This was all done because any treatment to correct my underbite could not be done until I was at least 18 years old as I needed to stop growing before the problem could be corrected.

Finally I began to see my orthodontist more often when I turned 17/18 and it was at that point I had to make a life changing decision. When I say life changing I mean it is life changing in terms of my appearance and my ability to eat food using my front teeth. It was explained to me that my underbite had gotten worse as a result of growing, which I guess is understandable but that the only way for the problem to be corrected is with surgery. So I was told I could get the surgery but as a result of the preparations required my underbite would get a lot worse in order for it to get better or I could stay the way I was. As I had grown older I became more aware of my underbite, I didn’t want pictures taken of me from the side, I didn’t like to eat in front of people especially when eating foods that were thin and I had become somewhat self-conscious about how it made me look. When I had gotten control over things in my life, my depression and self-harm I took some time to think about weather or not I wanted to have a correct bite. It took time to think about things, many conversations with my dad and a surgeon telling me that he highly recommended me getting the treatment to fix it. So after awhile, weighing up all the pros and cons, I decided to go for it, I decided to being the treatment and to be honest although it was a big decision I made it fairly easily because the talk of treating my underbite had been going on since I was 11 years old.


So I decided to get the treatment and well now that I'm on my journey to the perfect bite I figured I would share my story with you guys. So in February 2013 I embarked on my first part of treatment, braces!! They haven't been that bad to be honest, you get use to them pretty quick but they are very sore initially and when you get them tightened but other than that its pretty ok. So the reasons for the braces are not only to straighten my teeth but also to increase my under bite in order for the next step of treatment to be a success. So I've had my braces for almost 15 months and it has made my underbite a lot worse. I don’t have pictures from before my braces, well my dentist does but because I wasn’t sure about sharing my story I didn’t document it photographically but here is a photo which kind of shows my underbite from a few years ago I think I was 15/16 at the time and then here is a picture of my underbite now as a result of my braces.


With braces you can see how my bit has become
 more pronounced and my bottom lip
comes out more. (I know I look creapy)
You can see how my lower jaw comes out further than my top
jaw without braces. (I look less creapy here)
























From the front of my mouth you can see the gap between my teeth which explains why I struggle when it comes to eating certain foods, especially thin foods.




The next step of my treatment is the removal of my wisdom teeth, all four, in the one day, at the same time!!!! Needless to say I'm freaking out about it!!! they will be coming out on May 12th and then we are one step closer to the final step which will be jaw surgery to break my jaw, remove some bone parts or something and then replace it in the correct position with some metal plates.

So there you go, the first entry about my underbite journey. From now on I will keep you guys updated with any major events as well as documenting post surgery even when I'm swollen. So keep a close eye for some photos or even a video from after I get my wisdom teeth out, how I'm feeling and if I can talk. 
 

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