Posts

New Beginnings

There comes a time in your life where you find yourself saying “It’s time” I have recently got to the point in my life where I have to say its time, its time for something new, its time to follow my dreams, its time to try and make my life different. 
The past year has been extremely difficult to me; it’s been a year with some highs and a lot of lows. I have found myself reaching rock bottom once again, spending time in hospital, reverting to old ways of coping, experiencing new levels of anxiety and having months of pure hopelessness, emptiness and despair. But among all that I had a lot of good, more specifically good people, people who have stuck by me, supported me and gave me tough love when I needed it most. It is these very people that have allowed me to get to the point where I am today, a point where I can say it is time for something new, it is time for me to change things in order to be better able to look after myself, control my emotions and have a life filled with happin…

A surprise battle

As I sit here writing this my legs are shaking, my thoughts racing and my body crying out for relief. What’s wrong with me? I have been overcome with urges to self-harm. Why? I wish I knew the answer. I’ve been up and down the past few weeks and now it might be that things are coming to a head, maybe I’m not taking enough time for myself, maybe I’m getting caught up in running through the motions rather than living in the moment, whatever the reason, I know right now I have an urge, a craving, a desire, a need.

When was the last time I even self-harmed? It wasn’t that long ago yet it was at the same time, but when I cant quiet put my finger on it. Why did I do it? I don’t know, but I’m sure in the moment I had some justification, whether rational or irrational, in my mind it was a justification. Now, now I’m feeling overwhelmed, sucked into a black hole and the only light is a small, shiny, sharp object but I cant, can I? I cant pick I up and use it, it would be too big a risk, it wo…

A sharp turn...

A step in the right direction was needed. A new outlook, a positive focus and a vision of a future, and so a couple of months ago I took that step in the right direction, I did it; I felt the fear and did it anyway! I made choices for me and me only, I felt good, happy and content, I felt like this time was going to be different, no more relapse, no more self-harm just take things one day at a time, day by day and I would be ok.
Today I have found myself crying, physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I no longer feel I can keep the new, positive and focused Siobhán going. Where did it all go wrong?
Did I loose sight of my goal? No, I’m making progress, I’m making payments and for once in my life my goal of becoming an EMT is still within my sights, within my grasp.
Did I fall off the wagon? No, I’m taking time for myself, exercising, keeping with a routine and focusing on my emotional regulation skills.

Did I give into temptation? No, I have battled through the urges, pushed them…

My mum died.... from lung cancer

Almost 12 years ago my mum died from lung cancer and no she did not smoke. Despite being 12 years since my mum passes the topic still emerges…. Questions like what does your mum do? Or I bet you love going out with your mum? Are still prevalent due to my young age but when people asks those questions and I respond with my mum actually passed away the next logical response is “I’m so sorry to hear that, if you don’t mind me asking how did she die?” Do I mind you asking? No, not any more but do I struggle to tell you how she died? Yes, very much so because quite simply my mum died from lung cancer and no she was not a smoker.
Non- Small Cell lung cancer is the type she had, a type of lung cancer that is not directly linked with smoking like others. She battled for 18 months through chemo, medical trials and so much more, something I should almost be proud of because through her battle with cancer my mum showed me the true meaning of life, of family and bravery, she showed me how much a p…

How scouting has changed my life

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From a young age there has always been some element of scouting in my life. When I was young it was when my dad and my brothers were off out on camping trips leaving mum and me to have some quality time together or when I myself decided to give girls guides a bash. Even when I got older I often went on hikes and to den nights with my dad, simply as an onlooker but when I turned 16 and I wanted to complete my Gaisce everything began to change. What started out as working with the beavers once a week, colouring some pictures and doing some arts and crafts soon developed into something more, programme planning, camping and outdoor activities. Starting at 16 I didn’t have much of a role, but as I got older my role change and naturally as I turned 18 it was time for me to make a decision, begin my training to become a scout leader or just be a youth member myself. I chose to begin my journey to become a scout leader.
Not quiet sure what I was getting myself into I began my training, slowly …