A sharp turn...

A step in the right direction was needed. A new outlook, a positive focus and a vision of a future, and so a couple of months ago I took that step in the right direction, I did it; I felt the fear and did it anyway! I made choices for me and me only, I felt good, happy and content, I felt like this time was going to be different, no more relapse, no more self-harm just take things one day at a time, day by day and I would be ok.

Today I have found myself crying, physically exhausted and emotionally drained.
I no longer feel I can keep the new, positive and focused Siobhán going. Where did it all go wrong?

Did I loose sight of my goal? No, I’m making progress, I’m making payments and for once in my life my goal of becoming an EMT is still within my sights, within my grasp.

Did I fall off the wagon? No, I’m taking time for myself, exercising, keeping with a routine and focusing on my emotional regulation skills.

Did I give into temptation? No, I have battled through the urges, pushed them aside, sat with them, distracted myself from them and I have come out on top.

Did I take on too much? No, I’ve been taking time to myself, saying no when I couldn’t do any more, taking time off work when I needed, really and truly looking after myself!

So where did it all go wrong? What has me feeling low, struggling with urges and forcing myself to get out of the bed in the morning, what has me on the verge of relapse, wondering if it is possible to keep going? I don’t know, I have no idea and there is nothing more frustrating than not knowing! How can I make it right if I don’t know what is causing it. How can I move on, grasp onto life once again and come out fighting. Do I left this rough patch hit me, let it sit and allow it to runs it course or do I keep fighting it until I have no fight left in me and experience the inevitable?

This week has been tough, one of the toughest in a while. There has been a sharp turn, a steep decline and I don’t know why, I don’t understand how and I don’t know how to respond. I’ve been doing well, I’ve been doing good but now, now I don’t know how I’m doing, confused, running through the motions, hanging on for dear life. Do I take it day by day and battle on or retreat, take some time and let it run its course, knowing what to do is as hard figuring out what’s wrong!

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