Accepting achievement

All my life I have been the kind of person to ignore and overlook my achievements but recently I have noticed a change within myself, one that is becoming increasingly more aware of what I have achieved in my life. What brought this on your might ask? Well this coming Thursday I will be graduating from college, that in itself is a huge achievement but for me when I took a closer look at it, it became so much more.

3 years ago I started out on what I thought was going to be the best thing in my life, I had worked hard to get through secondary school, sit my leaving cert and get onto the course I so desperately wanted to be on. 3 years ago I set out for college, anxious and uneasy but feeling like I knew where I was going, feeling like I knew exactly how my life was going to pan out but little did I know that would all change.

I started college on the community and youth work course, all ready to become a fully qualified youth worker and do what I love most- work with young people but that is not where I finished. Struggling through second year saw me make a decision I was unsure about which was to change course but became the best decision I have made yet. My perspective widened, my values changes and opportunities opened up.

It was only recently that I realised just how much I have achieved, I finished college, I faced challenges head on, I overcame daemons and I made life changes. Looking back over the last three years which comprised on one major surgery, one overdose, endless amounts of therapy, a change of college course, becoming a See Change Ambassador and speaking to hundreds of young people in the RDS I can sit here and finally say for the first time in my life that I am proud of myself and it feels fantastic to be able to say that!! When I finally accepted that I achieved something deep inside me something changed, who I am as a person has been influenced by the positive step to not only recognise my achievement but to also accept them. 

I have come a long way over the past three years and for someone who once thought should wouldn’t make it through secondary school to have finished college, have a job which is constantly presenting me with new opportunities and have a world of opportunities laying in front of me including everything from travel to going back to college I cant help but be beaming with pride and feeling like I have achieved something. Accepting these achievements has changed me, allowed me to become more optimistic and finally allowed me to see that there is a future for me, what the future holds I’m not sure but right now, for the first time this past year I can finally see a future and I have a reason to fight another day!

The Break I Needed

The past six weeks or so have been particularly difficult. They say an increase in anxiety, low mood self-harm and suicidal thoughts, the past few weeks saw me enter an unwelcomed relapse. This relapse kind of snuck up on me, I thought I had caught it in time but I was wrong and within a week of visiting my GP and getting a referral to adult services I found myself sitting in A&E waiting to be assed for possible admission and inpatient treatment because quite simply, I couldn’t trust myself and reality was that I had every intention to take my own life that very evening. But I caught it and I recognised that I needed help which is why I went home from work early, went to my GP, then to adult services where I told them I couldn’t keep myself safe, it was at this point that I recognised I needed more help and went to A&E.

To cut a long story short I spent my day in A&E, spoke to doctors and a decision was made that we would search for an inpatient bed which was a search that didn’t go to well and as we were branching out further and further around the country it was decided, collectively by my family, my doctor and me that I would begin attending a day hospital, twice a week in order to help keep myself safe and in the interim I would be given medication to help me sleep and control my anxiety in the short term to see me the next few days and it help, without a doubt.

I began attending the local day hospital about a month ago, a service that I have found extremely useful and now as I write this I feel like I may be ready to reduce my time there once my new care plan has been prepared. It was through my time at the day hospital that I began to realise the stress I was under, the pressure I felt and the expectation I was trying to live up to and so I decided it was time for a break and I took a full week of holidays from work. This week off included a scouting weekend away for training and speaking at a youth conference in the RDS and while I was kept busy it was exactly what I needed, a chance to do something just for me.

The summer was hard, I was flat out with work, the youth centre, scouts and athletics, I had no time for myself and it took it toll on me without even realising that, that was the cause. There were other contributing factors also but I think the biggest factor was that I was taking on too much and not being able to have any time for myself, the day hospital allowed me to have time for myself, time I desperately needed, structured time that allowed me to interacted with others and learn about myself.

I’m still struggling but I beginning to emerge from this relapse, I’m beginning to enjoy things again, I’m beginning to want to do to athletics, I love going to scouts every week and I’m beginning to laugh again. The day hospital has allowed me the space I needed to get back on track and in many ways this relapse was a blessing in disguise, it has defiantly thought me one very valuable lesson, that I need to dedicated more time to just me, time to do things that I want to and that I enjoy, time for me to be selfish.

I have begun to realise that all the relapses I have faced and quite possible face in the future happen for a reason. I may not want to experience them but as a result of them I learn something new about myself, come out on top, stronger than before and with each victory over a relapse I feel like maybe, just maybe there is a small bit of hope that one day I will be able to live free from the fear of a BPD relapse. I still have a ways to go to get me through this current relapse and to be at a point where I feel good but I’m on my way and for the first time in a few months I feel like I can make it through this one, I feel like I can get up in the morning and get through the day without hurting myself, I feel like I can do 

Getting back on the horse

Back in July I choose to take a much-needed break from blogging. It was a break I needed in order to help reduce the pressure I was feeling and to give me a chance to begin to feel like I wanted to blog and allow me to find enjoyment in my blogging once more. It has been a ling two months without my blog but it was a much-needed break. I have struggled during the past two months and I am back receiving treatment for my BPD so my break from blogging has allowed me to focus more on myself.

As I find myself trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do in life I cannot help but describe myself as a blogger and find a desire within me to write and who knows one day it may become my career. I have decided that it is time to get back on the horse but I want my blog not to be written with the sole purpose of helping and supporting others but also as a means of helping and supporting me.

I have removed all pressure I once felt in regards to my writing. The desire to remain at the top and win awards has diminished reducing the standard I feel I must keep my blog at. I know I have a standard to maintain but I no longer want to feel pressured into maintain that standard. I want to write regularly but I don’t want it to become a chore so I will write when I feel like it rather than making a specific commitment.

Right not I feel like my life is picking up speed, with work, hobbies and of course treatment for my BPD I know I may struggle to find time to fit in blogging everyday which is part of the reason I am writing this post. I want to get back to writing but I want to do so because I need it in my life, because I want to enjoy it and because it is part of who I am and I know with that comes responsibility and so I will ensure I write clearly and well but I will also ensure I write appropriately, something which I have felt I have also intended on doing.

My blog has grown from strength to strength in the past six years and I want to see it continue to grow which is why I needed a break, it is why I recognised that writing under such pressure was impacting my blog. Now I am taking on a much different approach, a relaxed approach and one, which will enable me to enjoy what I am doing. I am committed to writing but for writing for pleasure and enjoyment, which is why I have decided it is time, I get back to doing what I love. I cannot commit to a set number of posts each week but I can commit to trying and giving my writing 100%. Over the next number of weeks I will be revaluating my blog and maybe redesigning but what I am sure I will be doing is letting my passion for writing shine through my blog.
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