There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 19, a condition which can only be diagnosed after turning 18 it was clear that it had been fostering within me for many years before hand, side by side with my depression. When I was diagnosed I did the usual googling to find out as much as I could and what I found out only increased my anxieties surrounding my condition! Despite this though it did help, having a name, having something to relate to, its almost like being able to account for the reasons as to why I respond to things in certain ways, it has helped me to understand myself. Although it has contributed to a greater understanding and self-awareness it has not been without its difficulties, dealing with BPD is a daily issue, one that feels like a never ending cycle, almost as if I have been sentenced to a life with BPD. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I almost feel like I don’t have BPD, when I a not so sensitive to different things that happen, when I do...

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I found myself battling to escape a relapse , it ended on a happy note with me feeling I was beginning to see the light, beginning to make a my way out but that has not been the case. The past two weeks have been the hardest two weeks I have had in years. Last week started with a hospital admission after taking an overdose. Four days in A&E hooked up to a drip to protect my liver, one which I wasn’t sure I wanted, the feelings of anger and frustration grew. I was so low, so miserable and desperately wanted a way out, I wanted to escape from my mind, for it to just shut off, to be free from conflicting thoughts that never cease. I got my medical treatment without too much of a fuss, although the staff were aware I wasn’t too gone on the idea and then I waited to see psych. It was foolish of me to think I could get out of the hospital and not have a heart to heart with a member of the psych team.   I told them everything, I figured I h...

Over a month ago I wrote about how I had managed a full year without self-harm . An entire year despite some challenging times but I managed a whole year without self-harm and I was over the moon! Proud of myself, glad I finally felt like I was making real progress and I was ready to continue on with my life free from self-harm. About a week or so after that post things took quiet a turn. My mood dipped, my sleep became disturbed my appetite was disappearing and I was finding it increasing difficult to manage my constant changing emotions and soon I found myself battling with the urges to self-harm once again.   It was almost as it had just creeped up on me, I almost didn’t notice this relapse taking over; depression had engulfed me in a matter of days. Simple tasks become a struggle, going to college, scouts, athletics the youth café and even work became a struggle and the enjoyment I got from these activities soon decreased and they simply became the things I had to do t...