A scary situation

In November 2011 I found myself in a very scary place. I found myself lost, confused, broken and looking for a way out. I found myself in unfamiliar waters, I found myself facing an admission to an adolescent mental health inpatient unit. I spent 4 months working with a tram of people from doctors, nurses, psychologist, occupational therapist; everybody you could think of I crossed paths with at some point during those 4 months. When I got out of hospital I knew my time with the mental health services was not over but I had hoped I would never have to face another inpatient stay again.

Over the years I have found myself presenting to A&E either looking for help or because I had engaged in self destructive behaviour which required treatment but I was never admitted back onto a mental health unit, I was usually treated medically for a few days and discharged or given medication to get me through the night and referred back to my community mental health team, both options didn’t surprise me because I have always been away that my treatment is better maintained within the community.

I have developed relationships with my team in the community and over the past year these relationships have been the foundation to keeping me alive. From the nursing staff to the doctors and the psychologist, my community mental health team have been my saving grace. So when I found myself last week reaching a point where I felt I only had one option, a self-destructive, life ending options I opened up to the people who have got to know me over the years, I opened up to the people who have supported me, guided me and directed me, I opened up to the people who I knew I could trust.

This time was different though, this time I was different, this time I was serious, I was ready, this time I wasn’t safe. My team recognised that and within an hour of my distress being disclosed and fully understood I had a bed in a mental health unit. And as I found myself reaching out for support, reaching out for someone to save me and while I got that, while I got safety and security, support and in this case medication I found myself terrified. I found myself remembering that day back in 2011 when I walked onto my first ever mental health inpatient unit, I remembered every feeling, every emotion, from fear, to relief, to uncertainty, to anxiety, it all came crashing and I couldn’t process it, every ounce of my being was brought back to that day in 2011 when my world was turned upside down.

I never thought I would find myself back on an inpatient mental health unity, I though I could manage in the community but this time I couldn’t. I recognised I needed help and so did my team, and much to my surprise, despite all the fear and uncertainty I knew I had to go into hospital, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this post today. I didn’t fear the hospital itself, my fear was surrounding my ability to use my time in hospital to help me, it was around my ability to take control and use my time to get me over this hump and not to allow myself to get stuck, my fear was around loosing another 4 months of my life, my fear was letting my mind get the better of me.

Thankfully I could see that fear, seeing that fear allowed me to focus, it allowed me to grab hold of this opportunity, to take the time, the space and the medication to give my mind a chance to rest, to rest enough to refocus, something I didn’t think was possible. Thankfully my community team had the same idea, some time away to refocus but for a short period.  My time in hospital was filled with therapy sessions with my team and also having days off the unit in my local day hospital, I thankfully that ensured I never lost sight of the bigger picture, I never lost sight of the fact that in order for me to gain control, to fight back against my own thoughts and my own mind I need treatment in the community. Hospital helped, I wont deny that and I am so thankful that I got a bed that I could be looked after by my own team as well as the inpatient team. This whole experience has helped me truly value my ability to gain treatment primarily though my community mental health team. It showed me that life doesn’t have to come to a halt when I’m not well, it showed me that I have some element of control over my own mind and it has shown me just how far I have come over the years to be able to recognise that hospital was needed but it was certainly not the be all and end all!