A surprise battle

As I sit here writing this my legs are shaking, my thoughts racing and my body crying out for relief. What’s wrong with me? I have been overcome with urges to self-harm. Why? I wish I knew the answer. I’ve been up and down the past few weeks and now it might be that things are coming to a head, maybe I’m not taking enough time for myself, maybe I’m getting caught up in running through the motions rather than living in the moment, whatever the reason, I know right now I have an urge, a craving, a desire, a need.

When was the last time I even self-harmed? It wasn’t that long ago yet it was at the same time, but when I cant quiet put my finger on it. Why did I do it? I don’t know, but I’m sure in the moment I had some justification, whether rational or irrational, in my mind it was a justification. Now, now I’m feeling overwhelmed, sucked into a black hole and the only light is a small, shiny, sharp object but I cant, can I? I cant pick I up and use it, it would be too big a risk, it would open a can of worms, bring me down a path I don’t have the energy to fight and bring myself out of, but my mind, my mind is fighting against me and telling me it will be ok, it will just be one time, and that’s it; but that’s never it.

I look at my arms and think to myself “what’s another scar?” I’ve so many sprawled across my body you would think I wouldn’t notice another one, that its just another mark but it becomes something, it engulfs me, each and every day, each and every scar reminds me of a time in my life I want to forget, there is no escape.

There is a fog descending across my mind, I find it hard to develop clear rational thoughts, ones that are positive and not self-destructive, that fog prevents me from seeing straight, from keeping myself on the right track. The fog thickens, the thought of a future decreases, I loose myself in the negative emotions, feelings and thoughts, I become self-loathing and am filled with thoughts of hopelessness and see myself as worthless.

It’s a battle I am never fully prepared for, one, which can strike at any moment, a battle which one wrong move can lead to devastating effects. I battle day in and day out, some with happy endings, some with not so happy endings. Todays’ ending is yet to be written, but as the fog clears so to does the urges.

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