When self-care means letting my borderline win

I’m all about looking after myself, ensuring I can keep mind in a positive space and self-care is something, which I have had to work at consistently over the past year or two. I struggle with self-care sometimes but because I am aware of how hard it can be too look after my mental health at times I have worked hard to ensure there are little reminders around the place to help me when I need it most. Despite these reminders, despite working hard to keep positive and look after myself there are some days when my borderline and depression win.

Recently I had a rough day; there was no doubt in my mind that my depression had control. I was left feeling lonely, isolated, worthless and surrounded by negative thoughts of self-harm. Its days like this that people tell you that you need to look after yourself, focus on being positive and do the things that you need to in order to help get you through the day but the things that you need to do and the things that you do can often be very different. On days like this the main aim is to get through the day without self-harming, easier said than done! In order to get through the day without self-harming things like going for walks, meeting with friends, colouring, doing athletics or writing are the things which people encourage you to do and indeed are the things I know I should do but what it doing those things cause more anxiety and more negative feelings? What do you do then?

When it is a day when you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, when you have no energy or strength to get out of the bed and when all you want to do is surrender to the duvet and shut out the world how can I focus on self-care if, self care only contributes to these feelings. You see the mind is a funny thing and when you mix in a mental health issue it becomes so much more complicated. How cans the desire to loom after yourself make you feel worse? These are the days when BPD and depression well and truly win, they have the power and in order to try and regain some level of control I must fuel its energy.

Sometimes on days like this self-care is staying in bed, it is sleeping, doing the bare minimum in order to get through the day. Sometimes when my borderline has me well and truly hanging on through the emotional rollercoaster abandoning everything is what allows me to survive the day without self-harming. Sometimes in order to come out on top, to get ahead of the rest you have to give and take, so on the days when I know trying to actively beat my borderline and depression is only going to increase my frustration, encourage my self-harming behaviours and thoughts I will retreat to my bed, abandon everything and let my mental health issues win because in order to come out on top I have to accept that I cannot win every battle! So when self-care means staying in bed to avoid self-harming and letting my mental health issues win, that is what I will do because I know, I know that I will be the one coming out on top, fighting stronger than ever the next day!

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