The 'Big Sister'
When I was seven years old
my life changed significantly, I became a ‘ Big Sister’, a step-sister but a
big sister nonetheless. It was a big change despite not living with my
younger step-brother it took a lot of getting used to and to be honest I'm not
really sure I ever got used to it. Two years later at the age of nine I
welcomed yet another younger step brother into my life and again while it was
great not to be the baby amongst my siblings the novelty of having to younger
siblings, step siblings soon wore off. Not having fully gotten used to the
first new addition the second new addition didn’t make it any easier. I believe
that as a result of not living with my younger step-brothers, having two
parents constantly fighting and a parent being diagnosed with cancer I wasn’t
necessarily in the position to take on the ‘ Big Sister’ role and well because
I didn’t live with my younger step-brothers I was still considered the baby of
the family.
If I'm honest when my mum
got really sick, after she died and indeed into my teen years the fact that I
had two younger brothers became less important to me. Yes I acknowledged them,
yes at times I told people I had four brothers and often when in school I would
identify myself as having two step- brothers specifically in Irish and Spanish
classes as it allowed me to improve my vocabulary in that particular language.
Up until the past number of months when my younger step-brothers became a
greater part of my life I never really considered myself as a ‘ Big Sister’.
Over the past number of
months, maybe even the past year my younger step-brothers have been spending
every Tuesday or Wednesday with my dad and up until then my interaction with
them was limited, Christmas time, some birthdays, seldom weekends and family
holidays to Florida were the only times I had much interaction with them since
about the age of 13. Now maybe due to my age or maybe because I have that
weekly interaction with them I feel as if I am a ‘ Big Sister’, I feel as if I
have a role to fill and to be honest it is a role I'm not entirely sure how to
fill or even if I'm all that comfortable filling it.
An important aspect of
having an older sibling is knowing that you can talk to them when you need to,
I know that because of my older brothers and I know how important it is to have
that because being honest if it wasn’t for my two older brothers I would have
succeeded years ago with my suicide attempts. Ive told my younger step-brothers
numerous times that they can talk to me if they need to, but how can I
reinforce that if I don’t have a relationship with them? How can I ensure they
know I am here for them if I can barley have a conversation with them? How can
I be their ‘ Big Sister’ if I only see them once a week and even that
interaction is filled with tension?
For most of my life I have
struggled with building relationships with people, at times I can have great
relationships with people that are build over very short periods of time
because it was meant to be while with other relationships I struggle even to
build one over time. I guess I have been lucky that people have been so patient
with me when it comes to developing relationships and my interpersonal skills
are something I hope to develop should I continue with DBT therapy but If I
cant even build a relationship with my younger step-brothers how can I be there
‘ Big Sister’.
Before I decided to write
this post I did some googling, I googled how to be a good sister and something
the popped up time and time again was that it is important to set a good
example. Having come to the conclusion that I need to be a good example for my
young step-brothers I thought about whether or not I have been a good example.
To be honest I didn’t come to a conclusion and still now as I am writing this
post I am trying to figure It out but honestly deep down I don’t feel as if I
have set a good example, I mean how can someone who is covered in scars from
cutting herself be a good example for two young and impressionable boys, how
can a self harming ‘ Big Sister’ be setting a good example. It might be
different if I could say I no longer self-harm but the reality is it is a daily
struggle o fight the urges to self –harm and often there have been times where
I have given in to those urges.
Its been almost 3 years now
since my time in a psychiatric until and I have been sharing my story ever
since I got discharged so I worry that being so public with my mental health
issues given that there is still a stigma attached to mental illness and
mental health health in general could have a negative affect on my brothers,
younger and older. I cant imagine what it is like to grow up with your ‘ Big
Sister’, or little sister being borderline. I worry everyday that my oldest
step-brother who is now 13 could be getting bullied in school because of having
a borderline sister, having a sister who in the eyes of most young people is
crazy. So how can I be a ‘ Big Sister’ if me being a sister could cause him
pain and hurt?
Is it possible to be a good
‘ Big Sister’ when you cant even be good to yourself?