What should I do?

I try to keep this blog as positive as possible, share my story highlighting the positives, how I've come out the other end still in one piece and how I can live with a mental health issue but sometimes its not as positive as I make it out to be. Don’t take me up the wrong way, don’t get the idea that I'm trying to trick you because I'm not because things do get better and they have for me but that’s not to say things cant take a turn as well.

I haven't been writing lately not since October and I've missed it, I've missed sharing whats going on inside my head, my day to day activities and I've missed how writing makes me feel good but over the past couple of months I haven't been able to write because things haven't been so good. Ive had some tough weeks and I've had some good weeks and right now I'm off my medication and engaged in DBT therapy which have contributed to my tough weeks as well as my good weeks. As a result of fear I decided not to write because I was scared of letting you guys in, I was scared to let you know how things really are for me and I was scared that I might dishearten any of you who are currently dealing with a mental health issue but I decided that I need to be able to write to help keep myself well and if that means being honest and highlighting that I'm struggling here on my blog then it is something I need to do because without writing I struggle to keep going.

Ive been thinking a lot over the past 2-3 weeks about therapy and how I feel I'm doing and to be honest I don’t think I'm getting as much out of it as I could because I haven't been giving it my best shot. I'm struggling with it, I'm engaged in to sessions a week, one an individual session while the other is a group session and both are hard, the group more so than the individual sessions. Ive been considering dropping out of therapy, going back to trying to cope with things myself but I'm not so sure if that’s a good idea either. Ive been asking myself do I really want to get better, move on with my life and leave the past in the past? It seems like a pretty straight forward question and the answer should be yes, Yes I should want a better life, one free from self-harm, free from my anxieties and one free from my mind holding me back but these struggles are part of me and they are all I have known for most of my adolescent/adult life. If I was ready to move on to bigger and better things, a more positive life, no self-harm I would be giving 100% in therapy and I wouldn’t be considering dropping out. So maybe I'm not ready to change my life around, maybe I feel as if I'm meant to have a life full of misery but then again I don’t. I am constantly plagued with these contradicting thoughts and to be honest I don’t know what I'm doing with my life at the moment.

Today though I'm having a pretty ok day, taking things hour by hour and not trying to upset myself or be to hard on myself but that’s not to say things cant change in an instant but right not, right now as I'm writing I'm doing good and that is what I want to focus on, this moment right now. As for therapy with 2 months left it seems right to stick it out to the end and maybe if needs be have another go when I'm ready, when I know its what I really want and when I'm ready to give it 100%.

P.S I'm back writing so keep an eye out for some Brady family antics this Christmas and some underbite surgery updates!
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