A step in the right direction

I recently began my medication reduction with the aim of coming off my antidepressants completely. This is a huge step for me and has been a long time coming. I was initially out on this medication just before I went into hospital in 2011 after my first antidepressants fails to help improve my mood. After going into hospital my medication was increased something, which happened quiet often, and a month or two after being discharged from hospital it was increased to the highest dose possible. So after spending almost three years on these meds I am absolute delighted to have finally begun my reduction with the support of my GP.

Despite the sense of security my meds provided me for many years I have wanted to come off them for a while but all the doctors and nurses I have been seeing over the years always felt it wasn’t the right time, but then again is there ever a right time to come off medication. Not really sure if there is ever a good time to come off antidepressants now was a good a time as any, I have been doing good lately with very few bad days and I haven’t self-harmed in over three months, a huge achievement for me.

This decision to come off my medication under medical supervision, slowly over a course of a few months was a hard decision despite wanting to come off them for so long now. I have been taking these meds everyday for almost three years, they have helped improve my mood, allowed me to gain control of my thoughts and helped me get out of a really dark place so I think it goes without saying that they created a sense of security within me, a feeling of hope and made me more positive about battle my mental health issues. I had to make this decision for myself, no doctor or nurse could decide for me because after all they don’t know what’s going on in my head, I am the only person who can really and truly know if it is a good idea to begin med reduction. Without the support of my doctor though I would not have been able to begin this process because at the end of the day it is dangerous and stupid to try and reduce antidepressants without medical supervision. 

Despite getting off to a positive start on the lower dose of medication I do still fear I could go back to my old ways, self-harming, having very bad days and being depressed but that is a risk I needed to take, it is the fear of going back to my old ways which has helped me to focus and ensure that does not happen and taking this risk to fight my battles without medication eventually is something which I needed to take in order to truly deal with and overcome my mental health issues. So yeah I’m scared but that fear is what is driving me to ensure I do not go back to my old ways for as long as possible.

I honestly don’t know how this will go, if I will come off my meds completely or if I will need to be on a lower dose or if I cant function without being on the highest dose, I really don’t know and to be honest I am not going to attempt to predict the future because right now I’m taking a step in the right direction, starting a road which is covered with fog and they only way to know what lies ahead is to take it one step at a time, dealing with issues as they arise and learning from my mistakes.