Empty, lost, confused, broken

Yesterday I found myself missing my mam which is not surprising as not a day goes by that I don't think about my mam or miss my mam but yesterday was different. Every year there are two days which I dread and would do anything to avoid and yesterday was one of those days. Yesterday marked 8 years without my mam.

The 30th of July is marked in my house with a trip to my mams grave with some nice flowers to show our love and how much we miss her. Yesterday was different though, yesterday I wasn't able to sad or annoyed at the loss of my mam, yesterday I felt numb and empty, I didn't know what to feel. As usual my dad, brother and I went to my mams grave but this year was different for me, I couldn't get out of the car, I couldn't stand at her grave, I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't cry for her all I could do was sit in the car and wait for my brother and my dad.

Thinking today about what I was going to write here on my blog I decided to share my confusion about how I acted yesterday in relation to my mothers death. I couldn't feel anything, I wasn't happy, sad, annoyed, angry or even love I was simply lost, distant from all my emotions. I didn't rethink the events which led up to my mams death, I didn't think about her funeral or all the times I sat and cried over her death or the times I spent without her due to her cancer. Does this mean I have accepted her death and have sub-consously chosen to only remember the good times I had with my mam? Does it mean I haven't accepted her death and that I am trying to avoid the fact that she has been dead for 8 years now?Does it mean I have no heart and simply was to concerned about myself to think about my mother? Or does it mean that no matter what she is always with me and I don't need to stand by her grave to know that?

I dont know what happened yesterday, I don't know why I didn't feel anything towards my mam or anything yesterday. I didn't go out with friends, I didn't train when I went to athletics and I didn't even talk about my mam, so why has this year been so different from all the others? You may be reading this and not knowing the answers to my questions but nobody will know the answers to my questions only I will, it will just take some time to find the answers somewhere deep inside me.

People always say that you should never take your parents for granted and that you will miss them when they are gone and as true as that statement is it isn't until you loose a parent you realise how much you need them and how much they do for you. It's not the obvious things that you will miss, you wont miss that your clothes are not washed, ironed and put away for you and its not that the house is always clean, it is the small everyday things you will miss. It's the hugs, the smiles, the kisses, the phone calls, their voice and the simple conversations which may only consist of asking how your day was. If there is something that I wish I could get from my mam right now it's a hug, a long, warm, loving hug. So while it is important never to take your parents for granted nothing is more important than loving them and making every moment special, every moment one you will remember and make the little things last like the hugs.

I can't say I took my mam for granted but I can't say that I didn't. When she died I noticed all the work she did in our house and everything she did for me but when I was told she was terminal and going to die I made sure everything we did together would be something that I would remember and make my mam happy.  When it comes down to it, it's the little things that are important, each night leaving the hospice I gave her a kiss because I never knew when would be my last chance and I made sure each kiss and each time I said I love you were special and that I would remember it forever. To this day one of the most important memories I have with my mam is the kiss on her left cheek, and my whisper in her left ear saying "I love you" the day before she died.

Take time to say "I love you" to the people you love because you never know if you will get another chance. I know my mam died knowing I love her because I made sure to never leave the hospice without saying it so always make sure your parents know how much you love them. I only had ten years with my mam, but they were the best ten years of my life.

Treasure the time you have with your parents because some day you will be wishing they were sitting right next to you long after they have passed.




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