There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

Mum, We are fast approaching your 10 year anniversary. Can you believe that? I still remember the day you left us like it was yesterday and as hard as it is not to have you here with us now I am glad you have had your pain and suffering taken away. I often find myself questioning things, like why you got cancer, why you died, why we couldn’t just have a bit more time with you and I always come up with the same answer every time and that answer is that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason yet I’m still struggling to find the reason for you dying, why I was left without a mother at the tender age of 10 when I needed you the most. Everything happens for a reason but what could possibly justify a 10 year old having to watch her mother die? I know it’s not your fault that you died and it certainly wasn’t your fault that you got cancer but when you died I couldn’t help but be angry at you. I couldn’t understand why you would leave me, why you couldn’t jus...

As someone who used to engage in self-harming behaviour I am now left with marks all over my body, marks which will remain on my body for the rest of my life. These marks were once something which I looked forward to seeing, something which I felt I needed in order to get through the day and something which I wanted but now, now this is not the case and these marks are for life . I try very hard not to let my past define but it is hard, how can I not let it define me when the pain and suffering which I experienced is written all over my body in the form of scars? Lines from my knees to my hips, from my stomach to my chest and from my wrists to my shoulders. Lines which symbolise a time in my life where I experienced nothing but pain, I struggled to see the good in each day and a time when I was ready to take my own life in the hope of finding some peace and removing myself as a burden to my family. These lines aren’t just any lines, it’s clear they are scars and it is clear ...

This past week has been rough. I’m not going to lie it has been a week full of  stress, anger, fear, frustration sadness and buckets of tears. These feelings however have not come completely out of the blue exactly but something has triggered them, something which for a while I have shoved under the carpet and choose not to deal with. I had many reasons for choosing not to deal with this issues and despite knowing that its not good to hold it all inside I continued to keep it contained until it came back to mind. I chose to bury it and that is what I did for years and right now while I am writing this I am regretting my decision not to address that issue. While this  issue is not something I feel comfortable talking about on my blog at this early stage I will go so far as to say it is related to my feelings towards my own self-harming behaviour. Despite realizing that theses feelings have come from somewhere I am not 100% certain that they have all come from that same pl...

I have to confess, when it comes to keeping resolutions I tend to be extremely motivated in the beginning and slowly but surly lose interest! That's not saying I have lost interest in blogging but I think my resolution to blog more was a bit optimistic seeing as its now been 3 weeks since my last post but moving swiftly on to the good news.... I have a new post for you, actually a number of new posts courtesy of a spark of inspiration I got when lying in bed feeling sorry for myself! Leinster Schools Competition 2012 Athletics has been a huge part of my life since a very young age, ever since I can remember I have been a member of Celbridge A.C, competing in track & field and believe it or not cross country too (I never competed in cross country by choice as such!) It has always been very much a family affair, for a time my dad was a coach, my mum was involved in fundraising and helping out anywhere she could and then there was my brothers and me, the athletes of the fam...

I was recently watching a documentary on Netflix about bipolar disorder and during the documentary a young women mentioned how a friend told her she was going crazy which then led to her questioning what it means to go crazy. As many of you know I don't agree with labels, especially labels placed on people suffering from mental health issues and by labels I am not referring to a diagnoses such as Borderline Personality Disorder because personally when I was diagnosed, not straight away but with time, I found myself being relieved to have this name, knowing that what was I was feeling and my self-destructive actions were caused by something, I just felt better having something to identify with as it allowed me to focus on treatment options and inevitably work towards recovery. When I speak about labels I speak about those that feed into stigma, those that cause more harm than good and those that cause many people to hide how they are feeling and not seek help when needed, I speak a...

Something was said to me last week by the therapist and it’s not the first time she has said it either but I think its finally started to sink in and I think for the first time in a long time I have really thought about it, evaluated it and actually began to think about my life and what exactly I want to get from life. It somewhat relates to a previous blog post I wrote about continuing on with DBT but its much more than that, what she said has meaning, what she said is true and it has taken me months to finally accept that she has been telling me the truth. In almost every session that I have had with this therapist over the past four months she has told me that I have to potential to be a happy healthy person. I didn’t believe her and never really thought that much into it, until this week I disagreed with her because I couldn't see the potential in me. Whats more is that I'm not angry at myself for not seeing this potential in me because so much of my life has been a str...

When I was seven years old my life changed significantly, I became a ‘ Big Sister’, a step-sister but a big  sister nonetheless. It was a big change despite not living with my younger step-brother it took a lot of getting used to and to be honest I'm not really sure I ever got used to it. Two years later at the age of nine I welcomed yet another younger step brother into my life and again while it was great not to be the baby amongst my siblings the novelty of having to younger siblings, step siblings soon wore off. Not having fully gotten used to the first new addition the second new addition didn’t make it any easier. I believe that as a result of not living with my younger step-brothers, having two parents constantly fighting and a parent being diagnosed with cancer I wasn’t necessarily in the position to take on the ‘ Big Sister’ role and well because I didn’t live with my younger step-brothers I was still considered the baby of the family.
 If I'm honest when my mum g...