There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

All my life I have been the kind of person to ignore and overlook my achievements but recently I have noticed a change within myself, one that is becoming increasingly more aware of what I have achieved in my life. What brought this on your might ask? Well this coming Thursday I will be graduating from college, that in itself is a huge achievement but for me when I took a closer look at it, it became so much more. 3 years ago I started out on what I thought was going to be the best thing in my life, I had worked hard to get through secondary school, sit my leaving cert and get onto the course I so desperately wanted to be on. 3 years ago I set out for college, anxious and uneasy but feeling like I knew where I was going, feeling like I knew exactly how my life was going to pan out but little did I know that would all change. I started college on the community and youth work course, all ready to become a fully qualified youth worker and do what I love most- work with young pe...

Back in July I choose to take a much-needed break from blogging. It was a break I needed in order to help reduce the pressure I was feeling and to give me a chance to begin to feel like I wanted to blog and allow me to find enjoyment in my blogging once more. It has been a ling two months without my blog but it was a much-needed break. I have struggled during the past two months and I am back receiving treatment for my BPD so my break from blogging has allowed me to focus more on myself. As I find myself trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do in life I cannot help but describe myself as a blogger and find a desire within me to write and who knows one day it may become my career. I have decided that it is time to get back on the horse but I want my blog not to be written with the sole purpose of helping and supporting others but also as a means of helping and supporting me. I have removed all pressure I once felt in regards to my writing. The desire to remain at th...

I haven't been keeping the blog updated very often recently and there are a number of reasons behind that.I have become worried about my blog and about my readers. The blog isn't what it used to be and I feel I have let you all down as a result of that. I've been blogging for close to six years and right now I have come to a stage where I am in limbo, am I keeping the blog going because of the expectations that come with having won awards or am I keeping the blog going out of love, passion and desire to make a difference in peoples lives through my writing? Ideally it would be the latter but I'm not sure at this moment if it is or not. I feel an overwhelming sense of pressure to try and write, to try and get something up so as not to let you all down but that pressure has become too great and it is deterring me from doing so. As the pressure build I loose my passions, writing begins to feel more a chore, and that is not what I want. It's hard to put myself out t...

You think that I don’t notice you staring at my scars, but I notice your eyes darting to my arms within minutes of our conversation starting. You think its not obvious but it is, and while I put on a brave face, continue looking you in the eye I’m hurting on the inside because I know the look you are giving me. I’ve seen it many times before, the look of judgment, disgust, sympathy and the overwhelming lack of trust crossing your face, of fear, of wonder, you ask yourself “why would she show her arms like that?” telling yourself “she must be crazy to do something like that to herself” I see it day in and day out, I face judgment, silent judgment. I don’t go out of my way to cover or hide my scars ; in certain situations I make the personal choice to cover them to protect myself more than to protect those around me. I have scars littering my arms, from shoulders to wrists and hands too. I have scars covering my thighs, from hip to knee and indeed some on my calf too. I have sca...

I have had a number of suicide attempts since I was a teenager with my most recent only being a fewmonths ago . It’s a strange thing, when you feel that taking your life is the only option. It’s a lonely feeling, feeling as if there is no one else around you who can understand what you are feeling. And it is a scaring feeling when you realize for whatever reason that your attempt has not been successful. Why is it scary? Well depending on your method you think what could the long term damage, if any, be. I know that might not seem like something that could cross your mind but for me, particularly after the most recent attempt it was an issue that created a large amount of fear among other emotions. But it’s scary for other reasons too. Your scared of how people will react, how you will go about getting on with your life, will you try it again? When it doesn’t work your scared, how will I be able to live when I can’t think, feel, or function normally? Did I really want to die? Wha...

As a child I was told that it was wrong to tell a lie, as I grew up I learned that it wasn’t so black and white- is lying always wrong? Throughout my life I have learned that when it comes to protecting the ones you love that lying might not always be wrong and I guess that’s why I did it, I guess in order to protect my family I did what I thought was right and I lied. When I began to feel sad, isolated, and hopeless and life wasn’t worth living I would lie. I told people I was ok, I said “I’m fine” I didn’t want to let them in, I didn’t want to let them know I was dying inside and I didn’t want to hurt them or to worry them and so I lied, I said “I’m fine” I lied day after day; I lie so I can protect those around me. To my family, my friends, and my colleagues. It’s not a conscious decision to lie, but a conscious decision to protect those around me but also to protect myself. I say it with a smile on my face when some asks, “How are you?” It protects me from opening up about...