Time for a break

I haven't been keeping the blog updated very often recently and there are a number of reasons behind that.I have become worried about my blog and about my readers. The blog isn't what it used to be and I feel I have let you all down as a result of that. I've been blogging for close to six years and right now I have come to a stage where I am in limbo, am I keeping the blog going because of the expectations that come with having won awards or am I keeping the blog going out of love, passion and desire to make a difference in peoples lives through my writing? Ideally it would be the latter but I'm not sure at this moment if it is or not.
I feel an overwhelming sense of pressure to try and write, to try and get something up so as not to let you all down but that pressure has become too great and it is deterring me from doing so. As the pressure build I loose my passions, writing begins to feel more a chore, and that is not what I want.
It's hard to put myself out there all the time, laying my insecurities out for everybody to see. It takes a lot out of a person and sometimes I find myself questioning if it does more harm than good.
I have reached a point now where I am not sure if I want to keep my blog going. I feel there is a huge sense of pressure on me, like I have to keep up to a certain standard as a result of winning awards and Im not sure if I am able to do that. I have reached a point where Im not sure if sharing my story, my experiences and my life with mental health issues is helping me in any way or if it is causing more damage. 
I don't want to let my readers down, you have been supportive and encouraging throughout my years of blogging, but right now, Im not sure what I want. I feel right now I need to take a break, remove the pressure and expectations and allow myself to write because I want to and because I love to, not because I feel I have to. Maybe when the pressure lessens my passions will increase and my blog will be what it once was but for now Im taking a break from the blog and giving myself a chance to figure out what it is I want from my blog and my writing.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A prisoner of my own mind

A while ago I wrote about a bump in the road that saw me take a step backwards…. That bump is still very much on the road and I am simply coasting along hoping the end is in sight somewhere. But when the end comes I have to ask, how long will it last for? How long will the good times last before we hit another bump? I don’t want this anymore, I no longer want the label I have attached to me, I don’t want borderline personality disorder. When I was first diagnosed I resisted my diagnoses, last year when I got unwell again and found myself re-entering the mental health services and engaging with the community mental health team I had to use every ounce of energy to truly accept my diagnosis and in many ways empower the label and allow it to help me understand myself. That label, which had a positive purpose no longer holds the same status, now it is simply something I do not want, something which has taken over my mind and body, it is something that I need gone, I need it to disappe...
Read more

An unexpected week

Last week I went back to work and to say I was scared would be an understatement! On Sunday night I prepared myself as much as I could for what I anticipated to be one of the worst weeks I would experience in work. I expected to be riddled with anxiety to the point where I wouldn’t be able to go to work- I was not. I expected to feel pure panic as I drove to work each day, bordering on a full-blown panic attack- I did not. I expected to cry, each day over something minor, something small, something that wouldn’t have mattered- I did not. I expected to obsess over everything; put more rituals in place to ensure everything was perfect-I did not. I expected to hide the fact that I had been in hospital for my mental health, I expected to allow the shame I was feeling to take control, I expected to shy away from my colleagues during the week, I expected to fight this battle on my own, but I did not. It was a hard week in many ways, it was the first week back, I was sc...
Read more

Day 14- Two weeks post-op

Image
It's hard to believe it has only been two weeks since my corrective double jaw surgery, it feels like it happened months ago! I was hoping that my two week update would be as positive as my first week update but I’m afraid its not. For about the past week I have been dealing with a lot of pain on my right side particularly at the site of surgery on my lower jaw. Having met with my surgeon last Friday he prescribed another course of antibiotics, as he was concerned there could be a slight infection due to the pain I have been experiencing, much to my dismay the pain in my right side is only worsening. It’s nothing I am very concerned about; I mean it’s only two weeks since the surgery so it is more than likely as a result of you now my jaw being broken! But nevertheless it is something, which I am monitoring and keeping a close eye on, should it continue to worsen over the next couple of days I phone call to the surgeon, might be in store. Swelling has improved a lot sinc...
Read more