A reason to live.

This day three years ago saw my first ever suicide attempt. Each year I dread this day and especially this year. This day three years ago I was preparing to sit my junior cert and yet again I am preparing to sit state exams.

Sitting alone in my bedroom I had just finished writing my note, what I hoped to be my final note. I wrote it a thousand times to make it perfect I couldn't give my family anything less than perfect. I placed it under my pillow; I knew they would look under my pillow eventually. I grabbed a towel from the hot press and went back into my room. Shutting the door slowly trying not to make any noise. I didn't want anything to ruin my plan, I couldn't let anybody come into my room, I had put too much planning into this for something to go wrong, it all had to be perfect.


I sat on my bed, my legs crossed and glancing out the window I took a deep breath, I was ready. After spending the day with my brother and dad I was ready, I was ready to take my own life. I took the piece of glass I had been saving for some time, hidden in my room in the remaining part of the jar. I slowly but carefully ran to glass over my arm.  a feeling of relief came over me; it was like I was able to breath. This wasn't what I wanted though, I wanted to die.  I felt alive, I was trying to commit suicide and yet I felt alive, I hadn't felt that alive in weeks.


Six cuts down my arm I freaked out. It was like I suddenly became aware of what I was doing. Did I really want to die? What had I just done? I was bleeding and I couldn't get it to stop. I panicked, suddenly I didn't want to die anymore, I called down to my dad. He came up the stars slowly but surely to find me frantically pacing on the landing, the only words I could manage "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I did something stupid I'm sorry"


It was like I had suddenly woken up and everything was a dram, that's how it felt but it was all a very true reality. Within in seconds my dad had me sitting down and he was applying pressure to my cuts. Paul was racing up the stairs with the first aid kit all while I was crying and constantly saying sorry. I wasn't really aware what was going on around me after that. With a bit of persuasion I was taken to the hospital, I refused to go in the beginning but in reality I had no choice, I was going to the hospital willing or forcibly.


After arriving at the hospital things happened very fast. There was no waiting around to be seen, I was brought to a room so me and my dad could have some time together in private. That’s just what I needed, to be left in a room on my own with a man who was worried and angry. What was I meant to say to him, I couldn’t explain what I had done the reality of it was that I didn’t know why I wanted to die. I just couldn’t cope anymore and unless you haven’t been in that situation before you don’t understand. I didn’t want to die I just wanted a way out. I didn’t know what else to do and there was no chance that my dad would have understood that. It was agreed that I would be admitted to the hospital so that the next day I could see my psychologist and a psychiatrist. They also wanted to make sure that I was safe but to be honest in my mind I had a million other plans of things that I could do to hurt myself. I had so many ideas and I had planned to carry them out, I didn’t realise though that the doctors and nurses were not going to leave me on my own. 


I was brought to the ward and shown my room. Once settled into my bed my dad left, needless to say we weren’t really on talking terms. I was tired and I was annoyed, my plan hadn’t worked. To make things even worse as well I was being watched. There was a nurse sitting by my bed and she was not going to be going away any time soon.This all happened only a few days before the junior cert. I didn’t realise though that I would be starting me junior cert in the hospital. With a nurse with me 24/7 I couldn’t do anything.  


I only began my exams in hospital I did English, Irish, maths and geography in the hospital and then I was finally discharged. To be honest it wasn’t that bad doing exams in the hospital. Once my exams started though I began to improve, I wasn’t feeling as down in myself as I was before so I slowly began to improve and the doctors began to notice. I was finally discharged four days after trying to commit suicide and I was in a much better place. I wasn’t “fixed” as some people would say but I was on my way to recovery (or so we thought)


When my junior cert finished I was glad to say the least and I was happy to be able to relax without the stress. At this point I thought I was over the thoughts of suicide, I thought that I would never attempt it again and I thought that self-harm would never be an issue, I was wrong though, very wrong. 


This firs suicide attempt may not have been my only suicide attempt but that was because I was in a dark place. I didn't talk to my family or my friends and I thought I didn't want help but in fact I did. There is always a reason to live no matter what you might think- I am happy that I am alive and I am happy that I can share my story in the hopes that somebody will read this and realise that there is always a reason to live. Things such as the love an animal has for you, your family, your friends, sports, things you love to do, everything that makes you who you are is your reason to live. At the time I felt there was no way out but I was wrong, there is always a way out.  You may feel that there is no help around or that nobody cares about you but that is not true, there is help and people do care about you. There is always a reason to live and don't ever forget that!


Finally in the words of young Donal Walsh-  "Suicide is a permanent solution to your temporary pain" 


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