There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 19, a condition which can only be diagnosed after turning 18 it was clear that it had been fostering within me for many years before hand, side by side with my depression. When I was diagnosed I did the usual googling to find out as much as I could and what I found out only increased my anxieties surrounding my condition! Despite this though it did help, having a name, having something to relate to, its almost like being able to account for the reasons as to why I respond to things in certain ways, it has helped me to understand myself. Although it has contributed to a greater understanding and self-awareness it has not been without its difficulties, dealing with BPD is a daily issue, one that feels like a never ending cycle, almost as if I have been sentenced to a life with BPD. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I almost feel like I don’t have BPD, when I a not so sensitive to different things that happen, when I do...

I’m all about looking after myself, ensuring I can keep mind in a positive space and self-care is something, which I have had to work at consistently over the past year or two. I struggle with self-care sometimes but because I am aware of how hard it can be too look after my mental health at times I have worked hard to ensure there are little reminders around the place to help me when I need it most. Despite these reminders, despite working hard to keep positive and look after myself there are some days when my borderline and depression win. Recently I had a rough day; there was no doubt in my mind that my depression had control. I was left feeling lonely, isolated, worthless and surrounded by negative thoughts of self-harm. Its days like this that people tell you that you need to look after yourself, focus on being positive and do the things that you need to in order to help get you through the day but the things that you need to do and the things that you do can often be very...

Back in April I took an overdose ... Did I want to die? I'm not sure. Did I want to hurt myself? Maybe. Did I want help? Absolutely. A few years ago I went through a really rough patch, self harming daily, contemplating taking my own life and indeed taking attempts to take my own life. Did I want help? Yes! What's the difference between then and now? While many years ago I did get help, albeit it took time for me to find the courage to open up and actually ask for that help. I felt ashamed, guilty, scared, and overall I was worried that I would be looked upon differently by society. And in many ways my worst fears became my reality when after my first suicide attempt some friends retreated, they didn't want to be friends with a crazy person! This year, this year I spoke up and got help. This year things took a turn for the worst back at the end of January. I was coming to terms with a slight change in my appearance due to double jaw surgery, I was feeling the p...

As many of you know I have been going through a rough patch lately. Over the past number of years I have tried different types of therapies to help me overcome my depression and self-harm, everything from CBT to talk therapy and more recently I have engaged in DBT to try and help my borderline personality disorder.  I feel now as if I have hit a wall. I’ve been fighting to get though this most recent relapse, hoping that somewhere deep down I would be able to find that light, that little bit of hope that would enable me to keep going, to keep fighting and to keep moving forward. I wasn’t quiet sure what form that little bit of hope would come to me in. I was being presented with opportunities to be placed on a waiting list to redo DBT, to work on my skills, ensuring I would be able to cope in stressful situations but I didn’t feel that this was right for me. Having completed DBT once before I felt that there is someone who needs it more than me, someone who will benefit more t...

Three years ago I received a letter in the post. Three years ago I was the happiest person on earth. Three years ago I got accepted onto the BA Community and Youth Work Degree in Maynooth University. I had it all planned out, go to college, spend my three years there, get my professional degree and work in the youth sector, little did I know how much the next three years would challenge me, inspire me, motivate me and change me. I made it trough first year, delighted I was well and truly on the path to becoming a qualified youth worker, but then, I didn’t quiet make it through second year. I struggled through my second year placement, a combination of DBT, self-harm and the general day-to-day struggles of BPD made it ever so challenging. I completed my placement, handing in the research task which had been set at the beginning of the three months and having developed relationships with a number of young people I had been engaging with feeling I had achieved something and to be hon...

Its 6.30am and as I am sitting here writing this I am trying to make sense of an overwhelming sense of hope, of belief, of courage and of solidarity. This morning, at 3.30am I made my way along with some family and friends to take part in Darkness into Light, Maynooth and without a doubt it has been an amazing an unforgettable experience. I have often said that there is hope, that things will get better and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes this can be hard to see, and recently I have been struggling to see that hope and light. This morning I saw that light, this morning I took a journey with my family, one which I have made many times before and this morning I travelled from darkness into light. It was more than raising money for a good cause, it was more than doing some exercise, it was physically stepping out of darkness and into light, reinforcing the belief that things can and things do get better. May is green ribbon month, a month in which ...