There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

As many of you know I have been going through a rough patch lately. Over the past number of years I have tried different types of therapies to help me overcome my depression and self-harm, everything from CBT to talk therapy and more recently I have engaged in DBT to try and help my borderline personality disorder.  I feel now as if I have hit a wall. I’ve been fighting to get though this most recent relapse, hoping that somewhere deep down I would be able to find that light, that little bit of hope that would enable me to keep going, to keep fighting and to keep moving forward. I wasn’t quiet sure what form that little bit of hope would come to me in. I was being presented with opportunities to be placed on a waiting list to redo DBT, to work on my skills, ensuring I would be able to cope in stressful situations but I didn’t feel that this was right for me. Having completed DBT once before I felt that there is someone who needs it more than me, someone who will benefit more t...

Five years ago in June, the weekend before my junior cert was due to start I had my first suicide attempt. It may have appeared sudden for my family and friends but for me it was something, which had been building up inside me for a number of years. I was feeling miserable, experiencing both physical and emotional pain at the time and I just couldn't cope any more, I couldn't see a future and all I wanted was some relief and at the time the only way I felt I could get the relief was from taking my own life.   People say its selfish to take you're own life but I felt like a burden, I felt that taking my life would make things easier for my family, give them one less thing to deal with and I felt that they would be happier without me, most of my thoughts were based around how much easier their life would be without me. Looking back now its clear that my first suicide attempt was the beginning of my journey with mental health issues, it was at this time th...

Suicide according to the World Health Organization suicide is “the act of deliberately killing oneself.” This is true and I would never consider challenging this definition I would however elaborate on this definition making suicide the act of deliberately killing oneself when life is not worth living and when you have been trapped in darkness and unable to find hope for an extended period of time. From my experience this is how I would describe suicide. You could say that I didn’t want to die and in one sense I didn’t, had I really deep down wanted to die my first suicide attempt would have been successful and the second and the third, they would have all been successful if deep down I had really wanted to die. You could also say that I did want to die, I wanted to die to end my pain and suffering, I wanted relief, I wanted to be free and I wanted to be with the family who I have lost. You see, suicide isn’t as simple as someone wanting to die, it invo...