A prisoner of my own mind

A while ago I wrote about a bump in the road that saw me take a step backwards…. That bump is still very much on the road and I am simply coasting along hoping the end is in sight somewhere. But when the end comes I have to ask, how long will it last for? How long will the good times last before we hit another bump? I don’t want this anymore, I no longer want the label I have attached to me, I don’t want borderline personality disorder.

When I was first diagnosed I resisted my diagnoses, last year when I got unwell again and found myself re-entering the mental health services and engaging with the community mental health team I had to use every ounce of energy to truly accept my diagnosis and in many ways empower the label and allow it to help me understand myself. That label, which had a positive purpose no longer holds the same status, now it is simply something I do not want, something which has taken over my mind and body, it is something that I need gone, I need it to disappear, I need five minutes of peace. 

I use the term "normal" lightly. I am very aware that we all have stuff going on in our lives and the definition of "normal" is more of a social construct but right now in my head normal is simply not being riddled with intense emotions and anxiety, not to be in a constant state of overwhelm, its to be able to function in a positive manner and it is simply an ability to exist and deal with what life throws at me in a positive way. 

The truth is I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting against myself in everything I do. From the big things like making sure I get to work to the little things like finding it in myself to shower. Rather than live life, I simply exist. I do what I need to do to get through the day, nothing more, because I simply don’t have the energy to do any more than that. 

I used to embrace my diagnosis at times but now, now I want it gone. I want the thoughts, feelings, emotions and urges to go away. I want somebody to fix me because right now I feel like I need to be fixed. 

I’ve done it all, I’ve done CBT, DBT, psychotherapy, inpatient treatment, I’ve tried medication, treatment in a day hospital and now schema therapy and while I know things take time, while I know there is trial and error but I need something to work.  I need something to fix me because how much longer can I continue to simply exist, how much longer can I keep allowing myself to simply exist, run through the motions and be a prisoner of my own mind.

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