There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

All my life I have been the kind of person to ignore and overlook my achievements but recently I have noticed a change within myself, one that is becoming increasingly more aware of what I have achieved in my life. What brought this on your might ask? Well this coming Thursday I will be graduating from college, that in itself is a huge achievement but for me when I took a closer look at it, it became so much more. 3 years ago I started out on what I thought was going to be the best thing in my life, I had worked hard to get through secondary school, sit my leaving cert and get onto the course I so desperately wanted to be on. 3 years ago I set out for college, anxious and uneasy but feeling like I knew where I was going, feeling like I knew exactly how my life was going to pan out but little did I know that would all change. I started college on the community and youth work course, all ready to become a fully qualified youth worker and do what I love most- work with young pe...

As a child I was told that it was wrong to tell a lie, as I grew up I learned that it wasn’t so black and white- is lying always wrong? Throughout my life I have learned that when it comes to protecting the ones you love that lying might not always be wrong and I guess that’s why I did it, I guess in order to protect my family I did what I thought was right and I lied. When I began to feel sad, isolated, and hopeless and life wasn’t worth living I would lie. I told people I was ok, I said “I’m fine” I didn’t want to let them in, I didn’t want to let them know I was dying inside and I didn’t want to hurt them or to worry them and so I lied, I said “I’m fine” I lied day after day; I lie so I can protect those around me. To my family, my friends, and my colleagues. It’s not a conscious decision to lie, but a conscious decision to protect those around me but also to protect myself. I say it with a smile on my face when some asks, “How are you?” It protects me from opening up about...

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 19, a condition which can only be diagnosed after turning 18 it was clear that it had been fostering within me for many years before hand, side by side with my depression. When I was diagnosed I did the usual googling to find out as much as I could and what I found out only increased my anxieties surrounding my condition! Despite this though it did help, having a name, having something to relate to, its almost like being able to account for the reasons as to why I respond to things in certain ways, it has helped me to understand myself. Although it has contributed to a greater understanding and self-awareness it has not been without its difficulties, dealing with BPD is a daily issue, one that feels like a never ending cycle, almost as if I have been sentenced to a life with BPD. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I almost feel like I don’t have BPD, when I a not so sensitive to different things that happen, when I do...

I’m all about looking after myself, ensuring I can keep mind in a positive space and self-care is something, which I have had to work at consistently over the past year or two. I struggle with self-care sometimes but because I am aware of how hard it can be too look after my mental health at times I have worked hard to ensure there are little reminders around the place to help me when I need it most. Despite these reminders, despite working hard to keep positive and look after myself there are some days when my borderline and depression win. Recently I had a rough day; there was no doubt in my mind that my depression had control. I was left feeling lonely, isolated, worthless and surrounded by negative thoughts of self-harm. Its days like this that people tell you that you need to look after yourself, focus on being positive and do the things that you need to in order to help get you through the day but the things that you need to do and the things that you do can often be very...

Back in April I took an overdose ... Did I want to die? I'm not sure. Did I want to hurt myself? Maybe. Did I want help? Absolutely. A few years ago I went through a really rough patch, self harming daily, contemplating taking my own life and indeed taking attempts to take my own life. Did I want help? Yes! What's the difference between then and now? While many years ago I did get help, albeit it took time for me to find the courage to open up and actually ask for that help. I felt ashamed, guilty, scared, and overall I was worried that I would be looked upon differently by society. And in many ways my worst fears became my reality when after my first suicide attempt some friends retreated, they didn't want to be friends with a crazy person! This year, this year I spoke up and got help. This year things took a turn for the worst back at the end of January. I was coming to terms with a slight change in my appearance due to double jaw surgery, I was feeling the p...

Three years ago I received a letter in the post. Three years ago I was the happiest person on earth. Three years ago I got accepted onto the BA Community and Youth Work Degree in Maynooth University. I had it all planned out, go to college, spend my three years there, get my professional degree and work in the youth sector, little did I know how much the next three years would challenge me, inspire me, motivate me and change me. I made it trough first year, delighted I was well and truly on the path to becoming a qualified youth worker, but then, I didn’t quiet make it through second year. I struggled through my second year placement, a combination of DBT, self-harm and the general day-to-day struggles of BPD made it ever so challenging. I completed my placement, handing in the research task which had been set at the beginning of the three months and having developed relationships with a number of young people I had been engaging with feeling I had achieved something and to be hon...