There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel

Back in April I took an overdose ... Did I want to die? I'm not sure. Did I want to hurt myself? Maybe. Did I want help? Absolutely. A few years ago I went through a really rough patch, self harming daily, contemplating taking my own life and indeed taking attempts to take my own life. Did I want help? Yes! What's the difference between then and now? While many years ago I did get help, albeit it took time for me to find the courage to open up and actually ask for that help. I felt ashamed, guilty, scared, and overall I was worried that I would be looked upon differently by society. And in many ways my worst fears became my reality when after my first suicide attempt some friends retreated, they didn't want to be friends with a crazy person! This year, this year I spoke up and got help. This year things took a turn for the worst back at the end of January. I was coming to terms with a slight change in my appearance due to double jaw surgery, I was feeling the p...

As many of you know I have been going through a rough patch lately. Over the past number of years I have tried different types of therapies to help me overcome my depression and self-harm, everything from CBT to talk therapy and more recently I have engaged in DBT to try and help my borderline personality disorder.  I feel now as if I have hit a wall. I’ve been fighting to get though this most recent relapse, hoping that somewhere deep down I would be able to find that light, that little bit of hope that would enable me to keep going, to keep fighting and to keep moving forward. I wasn’t quiet sure what form that little bit of hope would come to me in. I was being presented with opportunities to be placed on a waiting list to redo DBT, to work on my skills, ensuring I would be able to cope in stressful situations but I didn’t feel that this was right for me. Having completed DBT once before I felt that there is someone who needs it more than me, someone who will benefit more t...

Three years ago I received a letter in the post. Three years ago I was the happiest person on earth. Three years ago I got accepted onto the BA Community and Youth Work Degree in Maynooth University. I had it all planned out, go to college, spend my three years there, get my professional degree and work in the youth sector, little did I know how much the next three years would challenge me, inspire me, motivate me and change me. I made it trough first year, delighted I was well and truly on the path to becoming a qualified youth worker, but then, I didn’t quiet make it through second year. I struggled through my second year placement, a combination of DBT, self-harm and the general day-to-day struggles of BPD made it ever so challenging. I completed my placement, handing in the research task which had been set at the beginning of the three months and having developed relationships with a number of young people I had been engaging with feeling I had achieved something and to be hon...

Its 6.30am and as I am sitting here writing this I am trying to make sense of an overwhelming sense of hope, of belief, of courage and of solidarity. This morning, at 3.30am I made my way along with some family and friends to take part in Darkness into Light, Maynooth and without a doubt it has been an amazing an unforgettable experience. I have often said that there is hope, that things will get better and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes this can be hard to see, and recently I have been struggling to see that hope and light. This morning I saw that light, this morning I took a journey with my family, one which I have made many times before and this morning I travelled from darkness into light. It was more than raising money for a good cause, it was more than doing some exercise, it was physically stepping out of darkness and into light, reinforcing the belief that things can and things do get better. May is green ribbon month, a month in which ...

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I found myself battling to escape a relapse , it ended on a happy note with me feeling I was beginning to see the light, beginning to make a my way out but that has not been the case. The past two weeks have been the hardest two weeks I have had in years. Last week started with a hospital admission after taking an overdose. Four days in A&E hooked up to a drip to protect my liver, one which I wasn’t sure I wanted, the feelings of anger and frustration grew. I was so low, so miserable and desperately wanted a way out, I wanted to escape from my mind, for it to just shut off, to be free from conflicting thoughts that never cease. I got my medical treatment without too much of a fuss, although the staff were aware I wasn’t too gone on the idea and then I waited to see psych. It was foolish of me to think I could get out of the hospital and not have a heart to heart with a member of the psych team.   I told them everything, I figured I h...

Over a month ago I wrote about how I had managed a full year without self-harm . An entire year despite some challenging times but I managed a whole year without self-harm and I was over the moon! Proud of myself, glad I finally felt like I was making real progress and I was ready to continue on with my life free from self-harm. About a week or so after that post things took quiet a turn. My mood dipped, my sleep became disturbed my appetite was disappearing and I was finding it increasing difficult to manage my constant changing emotions and soon I found myself battling with the urges to self-harm once again.   It was almost as it had just creeped up on me, I almost didn’t notice this relapse taking over; depression had engulfed me in a matter of days. Simple tasks become a struggle, going to college, scouts, athletics the youth café and even work became a struggle and the enjoyment I got from these activities soon decreased and they simply became the things I had to do t...