tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16085470603928272012024-03-13T10:18:28.270-07:00There's Always Light at the End of the TunnelSiobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comBlogger331125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-37392135448558270522020-02-29T16:32:00.000-08:002020-02-29T16:33:14.065-08:00An unexpected week <div class="MsoNormal">
Last week I went back to work and to say I
was scared would be an understatement! On Sunday night I prepared myself as
much as I could for what I anticipated to be one of the worst weeks I would
experience in work.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I expected to be riddled with anxiety to
the point where I wouldn’t be able to go to work- I was not.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I expected to feel pure panic as I drove to
work each day, bordering on a full-blown panic attack- I did not.<br />
<br />
I expected to cry, each day over something minor, something small, something that
wouldn’t have mattered- I did not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I expected to obsess over everything; put
more rituals in place to ensure everything was perfect-I did not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I expected to hide the fact that I had been
in hospital for my mental health, I expected to allow the shame I was feeling
to take control, I expected to shy away from my colleagues during the week, I
expected to fight this battle on my own, but I did not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It was a hard week in many ways, it was the
first week back, I was scared of judgments, I was scared people would be
cautious, I was scared that an element of trust may have been lost, and while
some of these fears were justified, some were not, all of them did not become
reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I was welcomed back to work, I felt
supported by my colleagues, I felt like I belonged and I felt like I didn’t
have to hide. I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect in work, to
not let anybody see that I’m struggling, I wanted to hide it all and fight it
all on my own but that wasn’t possible, that contributed to me having to go
into hospital. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Nobody needs to know the ins and outs of my
struggles, but letting people know a minimum, letting them know I have mental
health issues is enough to get the support I need. Not only does it allow me to
get the support I need, it allows me to not feel so fake, it allows me to feel
like me, it allows me to feel human. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The week was hard and I was overwhelmed at
times but I survived. I had a couple of rough days where I thought to myself “
I really don’t want to go to work” and for me they were extremely difficult
thoughts to experience but the reality is I was overwhelmed and that was ok. I
have been in a constant state of overwhelm for a long time now but its
beginning to lessen. While the thoughts, feelings and emotions continue to make
me feel like I’m on a never ending rollercoaster I feel like I’m emerging from
a crisis, I feel like I can ensure my safety, and I feel like I have an element
of control over my emotions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Its been rough, as I write this my mind is
racing challenging everything, adding new pressures that I don’t need but for
now I have to accept that is how my mind works. Ill obsess over little things,
I will feel intense anxiety, I will have days where I will cry endlessly, feel
anxious and overwhelmed but that’s ok, I have to accept that and ride the
storm. Will I feel the same about this tomorrow, probably not but that’s
important because it allows me to value the time when I can feel positive about
things.</div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-74577715477581455672020-02-23T02:16:00.002-08:002020-02-23T02:16:53.801-08:00Shame <div class="MsoNormal">
A week ago I found myself explaining to my
therapist how I wanted to end my life, how I was so desperate for my mind to
shut off and how I was ready to end it all, in that moment I felt distressed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A week ago I found myself ringing a close
friend asking him to collect me from the local health centre because I had to
go to hospital and couldn’t trust myself to be left alone, in that moment I felt ashamed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A week ago I found myself ringing my
brother in law asking him to bring me to hospital, where I would need to go in
order to stay alive, in that moment I felt guilty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A week ago I found myself ringing work to
explain that I was being admitted to hospital for my own safety due to my
mental health, in that moment I felt embarrassed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A week ago I found myself sitting on a
mental health inpatient unit faced with colleagues from my work in pre hospital
care working on the unit, in that moment I felt panic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A week ago I found myself fighting to keep
myself alive, I found myself doing what ever I could to get through the day, in
that moment I felt useless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A week ago I found myself desperate for
help, I found myself lost, confused and broken. I found myself having accepted
death as my only option, I found myself ready to end it all and in that moment I
felt like I didn’t deserve to live, I felt like I didn’t deserve help, I felt
pure shame. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have always been open and honest when it
comes to my mental health; in a way it makes it easier for me to deal with what
goes on inside my head on a daily basis. My honesty allows me to feel like my
suffering isn’t in vain, and has always given me a bit of hope, positivity and
a reason to keep on fighting so when I found myself overcome with feelings of
shame and guilt last week I was taken aback, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t
know how to challenge those feelings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It’s amazing how feelings are so
situational. If you asked me to talk about my mental health with colleagues
form my previous job, or to wear a t-shirt with my arms on show I would, it
wouldn’t phase me in the slightest but ask me to do it now, now its not the
same. Six months ago I would have engaged in conversation with anybody who
would listen but now I have become selective. My current job know the bare
minimum, they have seen me show emotions but not to the extent I would have in
the past. Why? Because I feel ashamed, I’m ashamed of who I am, of how my BPD
makes me act, makes me interpret things and how it has caused me to loose
control over my own mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Where has the shame come from? Why am I filled
with confusing emotions? Why am I suddenly afraid of judgments? Why do I care
so much? Why can I no longer accept that my mental health challenges are the
same as physical health challenges? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why
am I hiding who I am? Why am I preventing people from seeing me from who I am?
Why am I preventing them from seeing the strength I have to fight my challenges
on a daily basis? Why have I suddenly become so ashamed of myself?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Maybe I need time, maybe I need time to
change me thinking about myself, to begin to accept my challenges more. Maybe I
need to just let the shame be there, let it be there and wait it out until it
passes. In life we often have to choose our battles, right now I’m not sure if
these feelings of shame are worth battling or maybe letting them run their course
will enable me to be better in the future and to fight harder to keep them at
bay or maybe right now I need to be patient and simply encourage understanding
of myself without being too hard on myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-1656543827713450422020-02-22T04:56:00.000-08:002020-02-22T04:56:46.190-08:00A scary situation <div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In November 2011 I found myself in a very
scary place. I found myself lost, confused, broken and looking for a way out. I
found myself in unfamiliar waters, I found myself facing an admission to an
adolescent mental health inpatient unit. I spent 4 months working with a tram
of people from doctors, nurses, psychologist, occupational therapist; everybody
you could think of I crossed paths with at some point during those 4 months.
When I got out of hospital I knew my time with the mental health services was not
over but I had hoped I would never have to face another inpatient stay again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Over the years I have found myself
presenting to A&E either looking for help or because I had engaged in self
destructive behaviour which required treatment but I was never admitted back
onto a mental health unit, I was usually treated medically for a few days and
discharged or given medication to get me through the night and referred back to
my community mental health team, both options didn’t surprise me because I have
always been away that my treatment is better maintained within the community. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have developed relationships with my team
in the community and over the past year these relationships have been the
foundation to keeping me alive. From the nursing staff to the doctors and the psychologist,
my community mental health team have been my saving grace. So when I found
myself last week reaching a point where I felt I only had one option, a
self-destructive, life ending options I opened up to the people who have got to
know me over the years, I opened up to the people who have supported me, guided
me and directed me, I opened up to the people who I knew I could trust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This time was different though, this time I
was different, this time I was serious, I was ready, this time I wasn’t safe.
My team recognised that and within an hour of my distress being disclosed and
fully understood I had a bed in a mental health unit. And as I found myself
reaching out for support, reaching out for someone to save me and while I got
that, while I got safety and security, support and in this case medication I
found myself terrified. I found myself remembering that day back in 2011 when I
walked onto my first ever mental health inpatient unit, I remembered every
feeling, every emotion, from fear, to relief, to uncertainty, to anxiety, it
all came crashing and I couldn’t process it, every ounce of my being was
brought back to that day in 2011 when my world was turned upside down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I never thought I would find myself back on
an inpatient mental health unity, I though I could manage in the community but
this time I couldn’t. I recognised I needed help and so did my team, and much
to my surprise, despite all the fear and uncertainty I knew I had to go into
hospital, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this post
today. I didn’t fear the hospital itself, my fear was surrounding my ability to
use my time in hospital to help me, it was around my ability to take control
and use my time to get me over this hump and not to allow myself to get stuck,
my fear was around loosing another 4 months of my life, my fear was letting my
mind get the better of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Thankfully I could see that fear, seeing
that fear allowed me to focus, it allowed me to grab hold of this opportunity,
to take the time, the space and the medication to give my mind a chance to
rest, to rest enough to refocus, something I didn’t think was possible.
Thankfully my community team had the same idea, some time away to refocus but
for a short period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My time in hospital
was filled with therapy sessions with my team and also having days off the unit
in my local day hospital, I thankfully that ensured I never lost sight of the
bigger picture, I never lost sight of the fact that in order for me to gain
control, to fight back against my own thoughts and my own mind I need treatment
in the community. Hospital helped, I wont deny that and I am so thankful that I
got a bed that I could be looked after by my own team as well as the inpatient team.
This whole experience has helped me truly value my ability to gain treatment primarily
though my community mental health team. It showed me that life doesn’t have to
come to a halt when I’m not well, it showed me that I have some element of control
over my own mind and it has shown me just how far I have come over the years to
be able to recognise that hospital was needed but it was certainly not the be
all and end all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-56943107952561957172020-02-21T14:52:00.002-08:002020-02-22T05:03:10.272-08:00A prisoner of my own mind<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A while ago I wrote about a bump in the road that saw me take a step backwards…. That bump is still very much on the road and I am simply coasting along hoping the end is in sight somewhere. But when the end comes I have to ask, how long will it last for? How long will the good times last before we hit another bump? I don’t want this anymore, I no longer want the label I have attached to me, I don’t want borderline personality disorder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When I was first diagnosed I resisted my diagnoses, last year when I got unwell again and found myself re-entering the mental health services and engaging with the community mental health team I had to use every ounce of energy to truly accept my diagnosis and in many ways empower the label and allow it to help me understand myself. That label, which had a positive purpose no longer holds the same status, now it is simply something I do not want, something which has taken over my mind and body, it is something that I need gone, I need it to disappear, I need five minutes of peace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I use the term "normal" lightly. I am very aware that we all have stuff going on in our lives and the definition of "normal" is more of a social construct but right now in my head normal is simply not being riddled with intense emotions and anxiety, not to be in a constant state of overwhelm, its to be able to function in a positive manner and it is simply an ability to exist and deal with what life throws at me in a positive way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The truth is I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting against myself in everything I do. From the big things like making sure I get to work to the little things like finding it in myself to shower. Rather than live life, I simply exist. I do what I need to do to get through the day, nothing more, because I simply don’t have the energy to do any more than that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I used to embrace my diagnosis at times but now, now I want it gone. I want the thoughts, feelings, emotions and urges to go away. I want somebody to fix me because right now I feel like I need to be fixed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I’ve done it all, I’ve done CBT, DBT, psychotherapy, inpatient treatment, I’ve tried medication, treatment in a day hospital and now schema therapy and while I know things take time, while I know there is trial and error but I need something to work. I need something to fix me because how much longer can I continue to simply exist, how much longer can I keep allowing myself to simply exist, run through the motions and be a prisoner of my own mind.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-41977793195941282412019-10-13T13:06:00.000-07:002019-10-13T13:06:11.468-07:00New Beginnings <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
There comes a time in your life where you
find yourself saying “It’s time” I have recently got to the point in my life
where I have to say its time, its time for something new, its time to follow my
dreams, its time to try and make my life different. </div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The past year has been extremely difficult
to me; it’s been a year with some highs and a lot of lows. I have found myself
reaching rock bottom once again, spending time in hospital, reverting to old
ways of coping, experiencing new levels of anxiety and having months of pure
hopelessness, emptiness and despair. But among all that I had a lot of good,
more specifically good people, people who have stuck by me, supported me and
gave me tough love when I needed it most. It is these very people that have
allowed me to get to the point where I am today, a point where I can say it is
time for something new, it is time for me to change things in order to be
better able to look after myself, control my emotions and have a life filled
with happiness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">As I sit here writing this I find myself
filled with so many different emotions, to many to name, some positive and some
negative but emotions I need to feel, regardless of what they are, I need them.
It is these emotions that have allowed me to fight back, get control, and work
my way back up (albeit very slowly and continually) but I feel it, I feel some
small amount of control coming back, coming back over my emotions, my thoughts,
my feelings and finally my life! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">In exactly 3 weeks I take the biggest step
of my life, I leave my current employment to go and do something I love, to go
and work as an EMT, something which for the past 18 months I have put my heart
and sole into. It’s a new beginning, a chance for me to really step up and take
control, a chance for me to look into the future and try and leave the past
behind, it’s a chance for me to do something for me, to do what I want to do,
and to let nothing stand in my way. <br />
<br />
The past year has had many ups and downs which make this transition to my dream
job all the more important. It shows me my resilience, my ability to get back
up when I thought it wasn’t possible, it shows me that I can, and I will
achieve my dreams. The past week has had me filled with so many emotions,
happiness, excitement, sadness and so many more that I am finding myself
beginning to feel scared and overwhelmed, but its time, its time to let those
emotions take a back seat and for me to enjoy the moment, its not time not only
for new beginnings but also for me to take control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-46112654322127729222018-01-10T12:45:00.000-08:002020-02-21T15:16:10.750-08:00A surprise battle <div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As I sit here writing this my legs are
shaking, my thoughts racing and my body crying out for relief. What’s wrong
with me? I have been overcome with urges to self-harm. Why? I wish I knew the
answer. I’ve been up and down the past few weeks and now it might be that
things are coming to a head, maybe I’m not taking enough time for myself, maybe
I’m getting caught up in running through the motions rather than living in the
moment, whatever the reason, I know right now I have an urge, a craving, a
desire, a need. <br />
<br />
When was the last time I even self-harmed? It wasn’t that long ago yet it was
at the same time, but when I cant quiet put my finger on it. Why did I do it? I
don’t know, but I’m sure in the moment I had some justification, whether
rational or irrational, in my mind it was a justification. Now, now I’m feeling
overwhelmed, sucked into a black hole and the only light is a small, shiny,
sharp object but I cant, can I? I cant pick I up and use it, it would be too
big a risk, it would open a can of worms, bring me down a path I don’t have the
energy to fight and bring myself out of, but my mind, my mind is fighting
against me and telling me it will be ok, it will just be one time, and that’s
it; but that’s never it.<br />
<br />
I look at my arms and think to myself “what’s another scar?” I’ve so many
sprawled across my body you would think I wouldn’t notice another one, that its
just another mark but it becomes something, it engulfs me, each and every day,
each and every scar reminds me of a time in my life I want to forget, there is
no escape.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">There is a fog descending across my mind, I
find it hard to develop clear rational thoughts, ones that are positive and not
self-destructive, that fog prevents me from seeing straight, from keeping
myself on the right track. The fog thickens, the thought of a future decreases,
I loose myself in the negative emotions, feelings and thoughts, I become self-loathing
and am filled with thoughts of hopelessness and see myself as worthless. <br />
<br />
It’s a battle I am never fully prepared for, one, which can strike at any
moment, a battle which one wrong move can lead to devastating effects. I battle
day in and day out, some with happy endings, some with not so happy endings. Todays’
ending is yet to be written, but as the fog clears so to does the urges. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-88164303874053964792017-08-16T12:09:00.000-07:002017-08-16T12:10:19.966-07:00A sharp turn...<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A step in the right direction was needed. A
new outlook, a positive focus and a vision of a future, and so a couple of
months ago I took that step in the right direction, I did it; I felt the fear
and did it anyway! I made choices for me and me only, I felt good, happy and
content, I felt like this time was going to be different, no more relapse, no
more self-harm just take things one day at a time, day by day and I would be
ok.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Today I have found myself crying,
physically exhausted and emotionally drained. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I no longer feel I can keep the new,
positive and focused Siobhán going. Where did it all go wrong?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Did I loose sight of my goal? No, I’m
making progress, I’m making payments and for once in my life my goal of
becoming an EMT is still within my sights, within my grasp. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Did I fall off the wagon? No, I’m taking
time for myself, exercising, keeping with a routine and focusing on my
emotional regulation skills.<br />
<br />
Did I give into temptation? No, I have battled through the urges, pushed them
aside, sat with them, distracted myself from them and I have come out on top.<br />
<br />
Did I take on too much? No, I’ve been taking time to myself, saying no when I
couldn’t do any more, taking time off work when I needed, really and truly
looking after myself!<br />
<br />
So where did it all go wrong? What has me feeling low, struggling with urges
and forcing myself to get out of the bed in the morning, what has me on the
verge of relapse, wondering if it is possible to keep going? I don’t know, I
have no idea and there is nothing more frustrating than not knowing! How can I
make it right if I don’t know what is causing it. How can I move on, grasp onto
life once again and come out fighting. Do I left this rough patch hit me, let
it sit and allow it to runs it course or do I keep fighting it until I have no
fight left in me and experience the inevitable?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week has been tough, one of the
toughest in a while. There has been a sharp turn, a steep decline and I don’t
know why, I don’t understand how and I don’t know how to respond. I’ve been doing
well, I’ve been doing good but now, now I don’t know how I’m doing, confused,
running through the motions, hanging on for dear life. Do I take it day by day
and battle on or retreat, take some time and let it run its course, knowing
what to do is as hard figuring out what’s wrong!</div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-30233299532770601562017-06-01T08:24:00.000-07:002017-06-01T08:24:28.294-07:00My mum died.... from lung cancer<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Almost 12 years ago my mum died
from lung cancer and no she did not smoke. Despite being 12 years since my mum
passes the topic still emerges…. Questions like what does your mum do? Or I bet
you love going out with your mum? Are still prevalent due to my young age but
when people asks those questions and I respond with my mum actually passed away
the next logical response is “I’m so sorry to hear that, if you don’t mind me
asking how did she die?” Do I mind you asking? No, not any more but do I
struggle to tell you how she died? Yes, very much so because quite simply my
mum died from lung cancer and no she was not a smoker.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Non- Small Cell lung cancer is the
type she had, a type of lung cancer that is not directly linked with smoking
like others. She battled for 18 months through chemo, medical trials and so
much more, something I should almost be proud of because through her battle
with cancer my mum showed me the true meaning of life, of family and bravery,
she showed me how much a person can love someone and she showed me how to be a
good person. Yet it is the opposite, society almost makes me feel ashamed of my
mum simply because she was unfortunate and got lung cancer, through no fault of
her own. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Its almost as if society says,
smoking causes lung cancer and if you get lung cancer then it is your fault,
even if you have never smoked, it is very much a case of tunnel vision when it
comes to lung cancer. It is almost silently accepted within society to assume
that those with lung cancer have done it to themselves, that they knew the
dangers and yet the continued to put themselves at risk.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Every time the topic comes up I
feel obligated to inform people that while my mum did die from lung cancer she
was not a smoker and her cancer was not caused by smoking. To this day I feel
there is a stigma associated with lung cancer, the emphasis of lung cancer
being caused by smoking all be it justified is far to great. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: inherit;">Every time the topic emerges I
find myself wanting to tell people what she died of when they ask but an
internal dialogue breaks out and I often find myself struggling to be open and
honest or risk casting shame upon my mother. The words lung and cancer are closely
linked with smoking and for very good reasons but with that has come a
perception that you have caused this illness yourself, leaving those left
behind by someone who lost the fight against lung cancer to become consumed by
the feeling of challenging the stigma or almost shame our loved ones.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So, no I don’t mind you asking how my
mum died but when I say lung cancer don’t glance at me with a look of shame,
don’t make me feel like my mums battle was for nothing and don’t just assume
she smoked! Every time I answer the question and people look at me like my mum
was not good enough, you break a piece of me too. </span></span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-12086094513524320062017-02-08T14:38:00.003-08:002017-02-08T14:38:57.480-08:00How scouting has changed my life<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times;">From a young age there has always
been some element of scouting in my life. When I was young it was when my dad
and my brothers were off out on camping trips leaving mum and me to have some
quality time together or when I myself decided to give girls guides a bash.
Even when I got older I often went on hikes and to den nights with my dad,
simply as an onlooker but when I turned 16 and I wanted to complete my Gaisce
everything began to change. What started out as working with the beavers once a
week, colouring some pictures and doing some arts and crafts soon developed into
something more, programme planning, camping and outdoor activities. Starting at
16 I didn’t have much of a role, but as I got older my role change and naturally
as I turned 18 it was time for me to make a decision, begin my training to
become a scout leader or just be a youth member myself. I chose to begin my
journey to become a scout leader.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Not quiet sure what I was getting
myself into I began my training, slowly but surely learning bits and pieces
about scouting. What started out as a desire to become a leader soon changed to
a desire to tick the boxes, just complete all my training because quite simply
I hate not finishing a project. I got through stage one, powered through stage
two, got organised in stage three, got adventurous in stage four, got creative
in stage five and gained a new perspective on not only scouting but also life
on stage six.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times;"> </span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--IGk2lAFC_4/WJuaQXXxj5I/AAAAAAAAF2k/pwDWLWZXiV8-C7M5TvfeKpq2xbn8GQKCQCLcB/s1600/14519824_1263964513625189_1542986031790887457_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--IGk2lAFC_4/WJuaQXXxj5I/AAAAAAAAF2k/pwDWLWZXiV8-C7M5TvfeKpq2xbn8GQKCQCLcB/s200/14519824_1263964513625189_1542986031790887457_n.jpg" width="200" /></a><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I went into my stage six programme
reserved, quiet, scared, and anxious and it took two missed stage six
programmes before I actually made it in the car to get there, it really was a
case of third time lucky! We left on Friday afternoon and made it to Waterford
by Friday evening to kick off the Yogi bear weekend with getting to know our
patrols and going on a hike to find another patrol member. I hate groups so I
defiantly felt like I had been thrown in the deep end but I survived my Friday
and even found myself gelling with my patrol. My Saturday didn’t get off to a
great start, there were tears, anxiety and the need for emergency meds but
after my little wobble I survived yet again and by lunch time I was settled,
having fun and finding myself having a role in my patrol…. caring for our teddy
bear Timmy. By Sunday morning I was calm, relaxed and for the first time in a
long time I felt free, accepted and refreshed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">It wasn’t just this weekend of
training that changed me; it was a combination of everything I have experienced
throughout my time in scouting. From the other scouters I engage with, their
support, encouragement and acceptance to the young people I work with, their
easy going nature, their ability to have fun and simply enjoy life. But it goes
beyond the people I have had the pleasure and good fortune to get to know and
call friends but also the skills I have had the opportunity to learn.
Everything from tying knots to pitching a tent or lighting a fire (that one
took a while) has allowed me to develop a greater awareness and understanding
for nature and the outdoors, making me more aware and grateful for my environment
and the things that I have around me. But has also allowed me to understand the
peace, the value and the benefits of the outdoor and adventure for my mental
health. Now I’m not saying I’m about to head off up mountains and go camping
for a week but knowing that I can go out into nature, take a break from the all
consuming online world and just enjoy time by myself has worked wonders for my
mental health in recent months, something which I am so grateful for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Times;">I have gone
through years of therapy and indeed I still face more therapy to help me manage
my OCPD and BPD more effectively but to date I can say the most beneficial
thing for my mental health other than sport has been scouting. It has opened my
eyes, allowed me to take a different approach to life and given me a chance to
begin to identify who I am and allowed me to accept myself, something which not
all people have had the opportunity to do. Scouting has not only changed my life but it has also given me an identity, one I am proud of and happy to shout about!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-26425379466168784812016-10-31T13:39:00.000-07:002016-10-31T13:41:23.445-07:00Accepting achievement<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span lang="EN-GB">All my life I have been the kind of person
to ignore and overlook my achievements but recently I have noticed a change
within myself, one that is becoming increasingly more aware of what I have
achieved in my life. What brought this on your might ask? Well this coming
Thursday I will be graduating from college, that in itself is a huge
achievement but for me when I took a closer look at it, it became so much more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">3 years ago I started out on what I thought
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secondary school, sit my leaving cert and get onto the course I so desperately
wanted to be on. 3 years ago I set out for college, anxious and uneasy but
feeling like I knew where I was going, feeling like I knew exactly how my life
was going to pan out but little did I know that would all change. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I started college on the community and
youth work course, all ready to become a fully qualified youth worker and do
what I love most- work with young people but that is not where I finished.
Struggling through second year saw me make a decision I was unsure about which
was to change course but became the best decision I have made yet. My
perspective widened, my values changes and opportunities opened up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">It was only recently that I realised just
how much I have achieved, I finished college, I faced challenges head on, I
overcame daemons and I made life changes. Looking back over the last three
years which comprised on one major surgery, one overdose, endless amounts of
therapy, a change of college course, becoming a See Change Ambassador and speaking to hundreds of young people in the RDS I can sit here and finally say for the
first time in my life that I am proud of myself and it feels fantastic to be
able to say that!! When I finally accepted that I achieved something deep inside me something changed, who I am as a person has been influenced by the positive step to not only recognise my achievement but to also accept them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I have come a long way over the past three
years and for someone who once thought should wouldn’t make it through
secondary school to have finished college, have a job which is constantly
presenting me with new opportunities and have a world of opportunities laying
in front of me including everything from travel to going back to college I cant
help but be beaming with pride and feeling like I have achieved something. Accepting
these achievements has changed me, allowed me to become more optimistic and
finally allowed me to see that there is a future for me, what the future holds I’m
not sure but right now, for the first time this past year I can finally see a
future and I have a reason to fight another day!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-70660302482727664692016-10-10T08:06:00.000-07:002016-10-10T08:06:15.947-07:00Getting back on the horse<div class="MsoNormal">
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pressure I was feeling and to give me a chance to begin to feel like I wanted
to blog and allow me to find enjoyment in my blogging once more. It has been a
ling two months without my blog but it was a much-needed break. I have
struggled during the past two months and I am back receiving treatment for my
BPD so my break from blogging has allowed me to focus more on myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">As I find myself trying to figure out who I
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and find a desire within me to write and who knows one day it may become my
career. I have decided that it is time to get back on the horse but I want my
blog not to be written with the sole purpose of helping and supporting others
but also as a means of helping and supporting me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I have removed all pressure I once felt in
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standard to maintain but I no longer want to feel pressured into maintain that
standard. I want to write regularly but I don’t want it to become a chore so I
will write when I feel like it rather than making a specific commitment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Right not I feel like my life is picking up
speed, with work, hobbies and of course treatment for my BPD I know I may
struggle to find time to fit in blogging everyday which is part of the reason I
am writing this post. I want to get back to writing but I want to do so because
I need it in my life, because I want to enjoy it and because it is part of who
I am and I know with that comes responsibility and so I will ensure I write
clearly and well but I will also ensure I write appropriately, something which
I have felt I have also intended on doing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">My blog has grown from strength to strength
in the past six years and I want to see it continue to grow which is why I
needed a break, it is why I recognised that writing under such pressure was
impacting my blog. Now I am taking on a much different approach, a relaxed
approach and one, which will enable me to enjoy what I am doing. I am committed
to writing but for writing for pleasure and enjoyment, which is why I have
decided it is time, I get back to doing what I love. I cannot commit to a set
number of posts each week but I can commit to trying and giving my writing
100%. Over the next number of weeks I will be revaluating my blog and maybe redesigning
but what I am sure I will be doing is letting my passion for writing shine through
my blog.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-38480630665471591982016-07-17T02:58:00.000-07:002016-07-17T03:00:34.176-07:00Time for a break<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1rh99" data-offset-key="1renn-0-0" style="color: #1d2129; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1renn-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;">
<span data-offset-key="1renn-0-0"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I haven't been keeping the blog updated very often recently and there are a number of reasons behind that.I have become worried about my blog and about my readers. The blog isn't what it used to be and I feel I have let you all down as a result of that. I've been blogging for close to six years and right now I have come to a stage where I am in limbo, am I keeping the blog going because of the expectations that come with having won awards or am I keeping the blog going out of love, passion and desire to make a difference in peoples lives through my writing? Ideally it would be the latter but I'm not sure at this moment if it is or not.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I feel an overwhelming sense of pressure to try and write, to try and get something up so as not to let you all down but that pressure has become too great and it is deterring me from doing so. As the pressure build I loose my passions, writing begins to feel more a chore, and that is not what I want.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's hard to put myself out there all the time, laying my insecurities out for everybody to see. It takes a lot out of a person and sometimes I find myself questioning if it does more harm than good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have reached a point now where I am not sure if I want to keep my blog going. I feel there is a huge sense of pressure on me, like I have to keep up to a certain standard as a result of winning awards and Im not sure if I am able to do that. I have reached a point where Im not sure if sharing my story, my experiences and my life with mental health issues is helping me in any way or if it is causing more damage. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't want to let my readers down, you have been supportive and encouraging throughout my years of blogging, but right now, Im not sure what I want. I feel right now I need to take a break, remove the pressure and expectations and allow myself to write because I want to and because I love to, not because I feel I have to. Maybe when the pressure lessens my passions will increase and my blog will be what it once was but for now Im taking a break from the blog and giving myself a chance to figure out what it is I want from my blog and my writing.</span></div>
</div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-57878349040315262092016-06-21T00:56:00.000-07:002016-06-21T00:56:37.138-07:00Don't Stare <div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">You think that I don’t notice you staring
at my scars, but I notice your eyes darting to my arms within minutes of our
conversation starting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">You think its not obvious but it is, and
while I put on a brave face, continue looking you in the eye I’m hurting on the
inside because I know the look you are giving me. I’ve seen it many times
before, the look of judgment, disgust, sympathy and the overwhelming lack of
trust crossing your face, of fear, of wonder, you ask yourself “why would she
show her arms like that?” telling yourself “she must be crazy to do something
like that to herself” I see it day in and day out, I face judgment, silent
judgment. I don’t go out of my way to <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2015/06/display-or-disguise.html?q=scars" target="_blank">cover or hide my scars</a>; in certain situations
I make the personal choice to cover them to protect myself more than to protect
those around me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have scars littering my arms, from shoulders
to wrists and hands too. I have scars covering my thighs, from hip to knee and
indeed some on my calf too. I have scars across my chest and down my stomach.
These scars, once a sight which symbolised strength are now beginning to loose
their meaning and the <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/02/fading-away.html" target="_blank">love/hate relationship</a> I once had with them is slowly
developing into a relationship full of hate and yet full of acceptance. You see my
scars and you cast judgment, you may not say it directly to my face but I can
see it in your eyes, in your expression and in your silence. But you don’t
understand, you don’t understand the war that I fought for many years, the war
that I’m sill fighting, the war within my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I may have days without self-harm, weeks,
months even but that doesn’t mean my temptations have been weakened, the urge
to silence my thoughts have disappeared but it means I am coming out on top, fighting
fit and desperately trying to win the battle. My healing scars don’t excite me
any longer, they don’t give me relief any longer but they do remind me that I
am strong, strong enough to keep battling through. For every scar I have made
it means I have not taken things a step further and ended it all, they remind
me that I have got through some pretty rough times.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have given many years of my life to
self-harm and indeed to depression and BPD. I’ve pretended to be someone I
wasn’t, acting as if everything was fine, putting a smile on my face and
reassuring people I was fine when in fact I wasn’t. You look at my scars and
wonder “how could she do that to herself?” I look at my scars and I think the
same thing, how could I destroy my body as much as I have? How could I have
done that to myself? I’m 21 and I’m covered in scars, some may fade, many will
not. At times it disgusts me, looking in the mirror seeing what I have done to
my body, regretting it but unable to change it. This disgust only fuels the
urges and the desires to do it again, because what else do I have to loose?
What difference will one more scare make?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">If I could go back to when this all began I
wouldn’t make the first cut! If the 13 year old me could see me know she would
be shocked, like many of you who see my scars. She would be ashamed, like many
of you feel I should me. You might think that your just staring, like your not
conveying your thoughts or feelings but when you stare your eyes speak a
thousand words, and each word sticks in my mind like superglue. Your eyes are
the windows to your mind, showing your thoughts, feelings and emotions.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When you stare, when you look and stare I
can see that you think I’m looking for attention, I can see that you think I
should cover my arms, I can see more than you think I can. Self-harm is hard to
talk about and I understand how some people may not want their children exposed
to it, and so I try where possible to keep it hidden, and if it is still in
sight I will never tell a child I cut myself because they wont understand it
and I know its not my place to do it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">These scars belong to me, the show the
battles I have faced but these battles are mine. These scars are part of me
whether I like it or not. I’m working to fight self-harm, I’m working to get
control of it and make it a thing of the past for good but your silent
judgment, you untrusting eyes and you disgusted expression make it that much
harder. Your whispers to the person next to you, your stares and your sympathy
make me feel worthless, isolated and increase the disgust I feel towards
myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For anyone who is staring at my scars,
please don’t. I know they are there and they are not on show because I want you
to notice them, they are simple visible because sometimes I get too warm in a
jumper just like you. Don’t stare because I have a hard enough time loving
myself that I don’t need others to make me feel self-conscious. Don’t stare
because even though you don’t realise it, your eyes are showing your thoughts
and your judgments. Don’t stare because I know they are there, I know they are
part of me and I know they make me somewhat different, I don’t need to be
reminded of that. Don’t stare because you can see my scars because you never
know who might be hiding there’s, don’t stare because you don’t know that my
scars might empower someone to seek help. I’m sorry if my scars make you
uncomfortable but your staring makes me uncomfortable and I just have to deal
with it or cover up to suit you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Don’t stare because it does more damage than you realise.</div>
<o:p></o:p>Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-27638954762685182532016-06-15T09:04:00.000-07:002016-06-15T09:04:56.998-07:00Life after a suicide attempt <div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">I have had a number
of suicide attempts since I was a teenager with my most recent only being a<a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/04/where-did-it-all-go-wrong.html" target="_blank"> fewmonths ago</a>. It’s a strange thing, when you feel that taking your life is the
only option. It’s a lonely feeling, feeling as if there is no one else around you
who can understand what you are feeling. And it is a scaring feeling when you
realize for whatever reason that your attempt has not been successful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Why is it scary?
Well depending on your method you think what could the long term damage, if
any, be. I know that might not seem like something that could cross your mind
but for me, particularly after the most recent attempt it was an issue that
created a large amount of fear among other emotions. But it’s scary for other
reasons too. Your scared of how people will react, how you will go about
getting on with your life, will you try it again? When it doesn’t work your
scared, how will I be able to live when I can’t think, feel, or function
normally? Did I really want to die? What happens next? But sometimes too you
may feel hopeful, hopeful that this attempt will get you the help and support
that you so desperately desire and need. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Life after a suicide
attempt isn’t easy. People are not always sure about what they can do to help
you, how they can support you, and often they find themselves treating you
differently although that may not be their intention. Sometimes after a suicide
attempt people expect you to go back to your life, doing what you did before
and pretend that nothing ever happened but it doesn’t always work that way.
There are some things that people, in order to be able to help you, need to
know after a suicide attempt and these things are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Going back to
everyday life is hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Its not easy to get
up and get back into your routine after a suicide attempt after all I wasn’t
planning on being here to do that so it takes extra energy, strength and
support to ease yourself back into a routine. Its an overwhelming time, full of
emotions, and in order to help someone you need to be patient, you cannot
expect everything to just go back to “normal” and even if things do go back to
“normal” that doesn’t mean you are support the person experiencing a crisis
because what is normal for you may be hell for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Recovery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">You want me to
recover and so do I but that doesn’t mean it is going to be simple and quick.
Recovery takes time and it has its ups and downs. It is a journey that needs
time; it’s a journey that requires you to take a few wrong turns in order to
find the right path. It is a process and although it might not be apparent I do
desperately cling to the idea that there is some hope, some possibility that I
can and will recover. But most of all I need you to know that I need you to
help me recognize and claim the small victories, getting out of bed on a bad
day, going for a walk, just making it through the day is essential for
recovering.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">I care.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">I know you will feel
that I don’t care; you will think if you cared about me you wouldn’t leave me,
am I right? But the fact is that it is because I care about you so much I
couldn’t stand to watch you see me hurting. I couldn’t face being the reason
for your sadness. It is because I care so much that I hope you will have a
better life without me, without me as a burden, weighing you down preventing you
from doing things. Anything I have ever done was not to hurt you but to stop
hurting me and to prevent me from hurting you. I thought I was protecting you,
solving the problem and giving you your life back. I didn’t do it because I
didn’t care; in my mind this was my way of showing that I care.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">It’s not your fault.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Your going to ask
yourself is this because of me? Did I do something to make her want to die? To
make her try and take her own life and the answer is no, this is not your
fault. In order for me to recover, to cling onto that little bit of hope I have
left I need you to stop blaming yourself, I need you to know that you are not
the reason for my actions nor is it your responsibility to “fix” me. It was my
decision, my choice, the only choice I felt I had left. It was not your fault
and you need to believe me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">I need you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">There will be times
when I wont want to talk to you, I will push you away and tell you I hate you
but the truth is I need you because without you I wont be able to recover, I wont
be able to come out the other side and I wont be able to live, to be happy, to
feel positive emotions. It will be hard because I wont let you in, I will shut
you out, screen your calls, slam doors in your face, and call you every name
under the sun but I need you. I need you to stick by me, I need you to know
that with you by my side I will be able to come out the other side because if I
loose you what else do I have to live for?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Lato-Regular; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Lato-Regular;">Suicide is a scary
thing not just for you but also for the person who attempted it. Life after a
suicide attempt requires time and patience but must of all some love and care.
In order to recover, and I do believe recovery is possible, we will need each
other, to walk hand in hand and to come out the other side!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-18822633102525787552016-06-08T14:10:00.000-07:002016-06-08T14:10:17.397-07:00I’m a liar <div class="MsoNormal">
As a child I was told that it was wrong to
tell a lie, as I grew up I learned that it wasn’t so black and white- is lying
always wrong? Throughout my life I have learned that when it comes to
protecting the ones you love that lying might not always be wrong and I guess
that’s why I did it, I guess in order to protect my family I did what I thought
was right and I lied.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When I began to feel sad, isolated, and
hopeless and life wasn’t worth living I would lie. I told people I was ok, I
said “I’m fine” I didn’t want to let them in, I didn’t want to let them know I
was dying inside and I didn’t want to hurt them or to worry them and so I lied,
I said “I’m fine”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I lied day after day; I lie so I can
protect those around me. To my family, my friends, and my colleagues. It’s not
a conscious decision to lie, but a conscious decision to protect those around
me but also to protect myself. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I say it with a smile on my face when some asks, “How
are you?” It protects me from opening up about what’s troubling me, it protects
me from letting you in, it protects me from judgment, abandonment, and it
protects me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Sometimes I say, “I’m fine” because I know how people
will react. I know some people will think the worst if they know how I really
feel, I know they will jump to conclusions, worry, want to protect me and
suffocate me in order to keep me safe. I appreciate it, I really do, but sometimes
that can do more harm than good. Sometimes I lie because I fear people will
think I’m looking for attention, think I’m making up and it will hinder our
relationship. Sometimes I lie to avoid being a burden, so people can get on
with their own life and not have to worry about me. And sometimes, sometimes I
lie because I don’t want to admit to myself that I’m not doing ok, that I might
need some extra support and that I am not able to go through this alone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have got to a stage in my life where I
try to be honest, I try to open up and I try to avoid telling people “I’m fine”
when I know and they know that I’m not. Its hard you see because I can never be
too sure how people are going to react, I think to myself if a lie protects
someone else from hurting then surely that is the better thing to do, is it
not? Its hard because I don’t want to make a conscious decision to lie but at
the same time I recognise that sometimes it is a conscious decision because I
so desperately want to protect those around me. I try not to lie, I try to be
honest but its hard and sometimes when the people I care most about find out I
have lied it causes more damage, but at the same time being upfront and honest
can cause more damage also. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I know that no matter what the ones who care about
me are always going to worry and try to help, regardless of whether or not I
tell them how I am really feeling, so it begs the questions is lying only making
things harder for me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-57646022640598172632016-06-07T01:08:00.000-07:002016-06-07T01:08:48.075-07:00BPD- A life Sentence?<div class="MsoNormal">
I was diagnosed with BPD when I was around
19, a condition which can only be diagnosed after turning 18 it was clear that
it had been fostering within me for many years before hand, side by side with
my depression. When I was diagnosed I did the usual googling to find out as
much as I could and what I found out only increased my anxieties surrounding my
condition! Despite this though it did help, having a name, having something to
relate to, its almost like being able to account for the reasons as to why I respond
to things in certain ways, it has helped me to understand myself. Although it
has contributed to a greater understanding and self-awareness it has not been
without its difficulties, dealing with BPD is a daily issue, one that feels
like a never ending cycle, almost as if I have been sentenced to a life with
BPD.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have good days and I have bad days. I
have days where I almost feel like I don’t have BPD, when I a not so sensitive
to different things that happen, when I don’t fly off the handle for someone
living a cup at the sink or when I don’t cry because I see something sad, its
almost as if I feel “normal” I have good days where I don’t act on my impulses,
where I don’t automatically reach for something to self-harm with when I’m in
distress and I almost begin to feel like I’m “normal” I have days where I
experience positive relationships with people rather than one minute hating
them and the next minute loving them and I almost begin to feel “normal” After
being diagnosed with borderline I because to feel even more out of the norm
than before. Initially experiencing depression made me feel like an outcast,
excluded from society but when the diagnosis of borderline was added, despite
its benefits for understanding myself I truly felt like I didn’t belong within
society, like I was something that dropped down from space, an alien.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It has been a continuous battle with
borderline, one, which I feel I’m loosing. I so desperately want to win; I am
clinging on to every little ounce of hope that I can find but there are days
when I am defeated, resigned to the fact that I will live with BPD for the rest
of my life. I’ve done DBT and now I’m hoping Pieta House can help with the
self-harm aspect but it will never be gone, BPD almost seems like it will be
apart of me for the rest of my days. Can I live with it? Can I really live with
this emotion deregulation, struggling with relationships and desperately fighting not to act on impulses? It just seems that BPD is apart of me and its here to stay.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">How can I know that my feelings will
dissipate when they are so strong that they leave me feeling hopeless,
worthless and exhausted? When will the anger fade? When will the sadness
lessen? When will the anxiety calm? Nothing lasts forever right? So why do
these feelings never cease to exist? When will I overcome my fear of abandonment,
will I ever? How will I become accept the ever-changing nature of the world?
When will I no longer fear the pain associated with friendships and
relationships?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I want to say that BPD is not a life
sentence, I want to say that it will not control me, or hinder me throughout my
life but the uncertainty, the lack of clarity and the confusion surrounding it
prevents me from seeing a future without BPD in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-24982563315445545242016-06-06T01:29:00.002-07:002016-06-06T01:29:59.318-07:00When self-care means letting my borderline win<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m all about looking after myself,
ensuring I can keep mind in a positive space and <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/01/blue-monday.html" target="_blank">self-care</a> is something, which
I have had to work at consistently over the past year or two. I struggle with
self-care sometimes but because I am aware of how hard it can be too look after
my mental health at times I have worked hard to ensure there are little
reminders around the place to help me when I need it most. Despite these
reminders, despite working hard to keep positive and look after myself there
are some days when my borderline and depression win. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Recently I had a rough day; there was no
doubt in my mind that my depression had control. I was left feeling lonely,
isolated, worthless and surrounded by negative thoughts of self-harm. Its days
like this that people tell you that you need to look after yourself, focus on
being positive and do the things that you need to in order to help get you
through the day but the things that you need to do and the things that you do
can often be very different. On days like this the main aim is to get through
the day without self-harming, easier said than done! In order to get through
the day without self-harming things like going for walks, meeting with friends,
colouring, doing athletics or writing are the things which people encourage you
to do and indeed are the things I know I should do but what it doing those
things cause more anxiety and more negative feelings? What do you do then?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">When it is a day when you cant see the
light at the end of the tunnel, when you have no energy or strength to get out
of the bed and when all you want to do is surrender to the duvet and shut out
the world how can I focus on self-care if, self care only contributes to these
feelings. You see the mind is a funny thing and when you mix in a mental health
issue it becomes so much more complicated. How cans the desire to loom after
yourself make you feel worse? These are the days when BPD and depression well
and truly win, they have the power and in order to try and regain some level of
control I must fuel its energy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sometimes on days like this self-care is
staying in bed, it is sleeping, doing the bare minimum in order to get through
the day. Sometimes when my borderline has me well and truly hanging on through
the emotional rollercoaster abandoning everything is what allows me to survive
the day without self-harming. Sometimes in order to come out on top, to get
ahead of the rest you have to give and take, so on the days when I know trying
to actively beat my borderline and depression is only going to increase my
frustration, encourage my self-harming behaviours and thoughts I will retreat
to my bed, abandon everything and let my mental health issues win because in
order to come out on top I have to accept that I cannot win every battle! So
when self-care means staying in bed to avoid self-harming and letting my mental
health issues win, that is what I will do because I know, I know that I will be
the one coming out on top, fighting stronger than ever the next day!</span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-87395317482109709792016-06-04T14:19:00.000-07:002016-06-04T14:19:26.983-07:00The power of a little ribbon<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back in April I took an <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/04/where-did-it-all-go-wrong.html" target="_blank">overdose</a>... Did
I want to die? I'm not sure. Did I want to hurt myself? Maybe. Did I want help?
Absolutely.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A few years ago I went through a really
rough patch, self harming daily, contemplating taking my own life and indeed
taking attempts to take my own life. Did I want help? Yes!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What's the difference between then and
now? While many years ago I did get help, albeit it took time for me to find
the courage to open up and actually ask for that help. I felt ashamed, guilty, scared,
and overall I was worried that I would be looked upon differently by society.
And in many ways my worst fears became my reality when after my first suicide
attempt some friends retreated, they didn't want to be friends with a crazy
person! This year, this year I spoke up and got help.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This year things took a turn for the
worst back at the end of January. I was coming to terms with a slight change in
my appearance due to double jaw surgery, I was feeling the pressure of college
especially with it being my final year and I was struggling to figure out who I
was, everything was changing around me and I wasn't quiet up to date with the
changes. What was different this year compared to 2011? This year I recognized
my need for extra support but it was much more than that, there was an
overwhelming sense of acceptance by society.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I spoke up, I went to the doctor, I got
support from adult services, and slowly I started to explore this current
<a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/03/relapse.html" target="_blank">relapse</a> and tried working on getting back on top of things. Things take time, I
know that now, and so when I reached breaking point in April and took an
overdose I understood that as my turning point, in many respects I needed to
hit rock bottom in order to move back up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Some may say that I was brave
asking for help, that I showed courage and strength and maybe I was but for me
there is one single thing which has lead me to be able to seek support and that
is the break down of stigma. You see stigma is a funny thing, there is so much
of me that wants to break down stigma and tell people how I’m feeling but then
it too creates fear, fear of judgment, isolation, exclusion and rejection. How
can I let me desire to break down the stigma overcome my fears? Is breaking
down the stigma really worth the possibility of facing judgment, exclusion,
isolation and rejection?<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We have reached the end of May
and with that we see Green Ribbon month has come to an end, but that’s the
thing, this campaign has such an impact that it will continue to echo
throughout society every day! Each year for the past three year the Green
Ribbon campaign has been working to break down the stigma of mental health,
breaking it down so people like me feel empowered to ask for help, for support,
for guidance and a chance to enjoy life again. Back in 2011 I felt alone,
isolated and wouldn’t even dream of asking for help now in 2016 I would be the
first person to put up my hand and say “I need help” Why? Its simple you see
when I walk out the door and I meet people were the green ribbon I
automatically get a sense of relief, I feel somewhat accepted by society and I
know that I am not alone, I know that I can get help and I know that it is ok
not to be ok. You might ask how can I feel all that because I see a small green
ribbon? Well I relate it to the marriage referendum. My brother spoke of how he
felt accepted by society when the Yes vote came through, I feel accepted by
society when I see people openly willing to engage in conversation. With every
green ribbon which I see proudly displayed on a persons jumper I cant help but
smile as without that little green ribbon I would not have asked for help and
my many suicide attempts would have been more than just attempts.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-46460171448499776652016-06-02T15:05:00.000-07:002016-06-02T15:05:37.675-07:00A different perspective<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As many of you know I have been going
through a rough patch lately. Over the past number of years I have tried
different types of therapies to help me overcome my depression and self-harm,
everything from CBT to talk therapy and more recently I have engaged in DBT to
try and help my borderline personality disorder. I feel now as if I have hit a wall. I’ve been
fighting to get though this most recent relapse, hoping that somewhere deep
down I would be able to find that light, that little bit of hope that would
enable me to keep going, to keep fighting and to keep moving forward.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I wasn’t quiet sure what form that little
bit of hope would come to me in. I was being presented with opportunities to be
placed on a waiting list to redo DBT, to work on my skills, ensuring I would be
able to cope in stressful situations but I didn’t feel that this was right for
me. Having completed DBT once before I felt that there is someone who needs it
more than me, someone who will benefit more than me and someone who is willing
to give it 100% something that I’m not entirely sure I could do. I was
beginning to loose hope; after turning down the possibility of DBT there was
nothing more adult services could offer me. Coming to the end of college meant
the GP who I had been receiving support from would no longer be in a position
to support me and I began to feel lost. I started to worry, feel isolated and
began to stress about what I was going to do next but then a combination of
encouragement from my brother and the college GP I decided I needed a new
perspective and that little bit of light which I was hoping would appear, did
so, in the form of Pieta House.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: inherit;">On Friday I made a phone call, on Monday I
had an assessment and now I am just waiting on a phone call with an appointment
to begin counselling with Pieta House to help get me through this rough period.
A chance to explore myself and figure out what it is that is making me feel the
way I’m feeling is what they are going to try and help me do. Moving away from
a specific focus on using skills to prevent self-harm is what I feel I need at
the moment and while I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to try anything new this
time a week or two ago I know deep down inside me that I need to do everything
in my power to overcome this current rough patch. I was convinced I had nothing
left to explore, nothing left to talk about but I was proved wrong when so many
different things came up during my initial assessment with Pieta House on
Monday, I was surprised at the amount of things that have been swimming around
within me trying to escape, but escaping in the wrong way, through self-harm.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m feeling rather hopeful about it all to
be honest, I feel some one to one sessions focusing on some issues that are
currently going on for me is what I need right now. It’s a chance, an
opportunity to take back control, to learn about myself and come out on top
fighting so I would be made to let it pass me by. I know its not going to be
easy but I know I need this and more importantly I know I want this. Self-harm
will always be in my past but that doesn’t mean it has to always be in my
present and future. It’s a long road ahead, up to 15 sessions with Pieta House,
I’m scared and anxious but I’m ready, I know it has to happen because if not
now, I might never have another chance.</span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-75901082923461171802016-06-01T14:46:00.000-07:002016-06-01T14:46:13.062-07:00Where to next?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Three years ago
I received a letter in the post. Three years ago I was the happiest person on
earth. Three years ago I got accepted onto the BA Community and Youth Work
Degree in Maynooth University. I had it all planned out, go to college, spend
my three years there, get my professional degree and work in the youth sector,
little did I know how much the next three years would challenge me, inspire me,
motivate me and change me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I made it trough
first year, delighted I was well and truly on the path to becoming a qualified
youth worker, but then, I didn’t quiet make it through second year. I struggled
through my second year placement, a combination of DBT, self-harm and the
general day-to-day struggles of BPD made it ever so challenging. I completed my
placement, handing in the research task which had been set at the beginning of
the three months and having developed relationships with a number of young
people I had been engaging with feeling I had achieved something and to be
honest I wasn’t too worried about progressing, I thought I had essentially
passed my placement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">On my return to
college I found out that I had not had a successful placement, a combination of
the above severely impacted my professional capacity and hindered my work
presenting the college department with a number of questions surrounding my
abilities. We had a meeting, I was given the news and to be honest I was
devastated. I had worked so hard to get onto this course, personal assessments,
exams, interviews and group interviews, I had given it my heart and soul and
then, then it was all being taken away from me and I was utterly devastated!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I was present
with three options:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Redo my
placement during the summer- the promise of surgery meant that this was not
possible as I would not be able to complete the entire three months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Take a year out-
the fact that I was already struggling with my meant health meant that any form
of unstructured long periods of time would just feed into my anxieties and low
mood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Switch my degree
to applied social studies- initially I wasn’t sure what this entailed
completely but it meant remaining with my class, not doing a placement and
simply taking up extra modules and provided I passed everything I would still
be graduating with them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And so I
finished out my second year and before coming to the end I had made the
decision to switch my degree course as long as it meant remaining with the
community and youth work class and just dipping in and out of other modules
with the third year social studies group.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Beginning third
year was tough, I was terrified it was almost as if I was starting college all
over again. My class were away on placement for the first three months, which
meant that I was taking up extra modules with a new group. Terrified I made it
through the first couple of weeks before having to take almost eight weeks out
because of my jaw surgery. Nevertheless I kept up with all the notes, I
completed my assignments and passed them all and was delighted to have made it
through without any major hiccups. Come January I was back with my class,
taking modules with them while also picking up extra modules to ensure I could
get my social studies degree and I have to say it has changed everything for
me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I have developed
greater understandings of social issues, changed my perspective on things,
ignited my passions for equality issues and developed an intriguing interest in
human rights and philosophy. Despite initially being upset, disappointed and
somewhat confused about having to make a change to applied social studies the
broad nature of the course, the wide variety of issues discussed and the
different approaches to learning have opened up a world of opportunities for
me. I came into college knowing that I had something to give, I knew that I had
something positive within me that could contribute to making a change in
someone’s life and three years ago I though that was through youth work, now,
now I’m not so sure. I know I have something to give, I know I have the ability
to create a change in our society but the methods I use in order to make that
change have changed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m not sure
what I want to do next; I’m not sure how I am going to make the change I need
to. Whether it is through youth work or journalism, through psychology or
philosophy, through law or community work, I haven’t a clue but what I do know
is that I am young and I have time to figure these things out, there’s no rush!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yesterday I
finished college, I cried (a lot), I laughed and I know that I’m going to miss
the amazing bunch of people I have spent the last three years with, but I know
its not the end. Their support, encouragement and guidance has got me to the
end of this degree and without them I would not have made it, they were beyond
fantastic. They have helped me grow and develop, stuck by me when times were
tough and showed me that no matter what have the ability to decide our futures.
I know yesterday we said goodbye but I know it wont be for good, because no
matter what we went through as a class, we always came back together to support
each other through the hard times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eydswl9n8wk/V09WO7rnBYI/AAAAAAAAFl4/Q5xzNn0uLj0-WqYH34sUYYIhoA3P3COywCLcB/s1600/IMG_1734.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eydswl9n8wk/V09WO7rnBYI/AAAAAAAAFl4/Q5xzNn0uLj0-WqYH34sUYYIhoA3P3COywCLcB/s320/IMG_1734.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">Throughout the years these guys always had my back!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
<span lang="EN-GB">For now my focus
is on enjoying the next few months!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18pt; text-align: left;">
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-87571662014169203752016-05-06T23:10:00.002-07:002016-05-06T23:14:08.221-07:00There is light at the end of the tunnel!Its 6.30am and as I am sitting here writing this I am trying to make sense of an overwhelming sense of hope, of belief, of courage and of solidarity. This morning, at 3.30am I made my way along with some family and friends to take part in Darkness into Light, Maynooth and without a doubt it has been an amazing an unforgettable experience.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-bBKcqt9FM/Vy2GVvPrV8I/AAAAAAAAFlQ/F7R7Au6LhUMIZwfRt509BcBh7px299d9gCLcB/s1600/13138883_1077289742332204_1416967903772629405_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-bBKcqt9FM/Vy2GVvPrV8I/AAAAAAAAFlQ/F7R7Au6LhUMIZwfRt509BcBh7px299d9gCLcB/s200/13138883_1077289742332204_1416967903772629405_n.jpg" width="150" /></a>I have often said that there is hope, that things will get better and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes this can be hard to see, and recently I have been struggling to see that hope and light. This morning I saw that light, this morning I took a journey with my family, one which I have made many times before and this morning I travelled from darkness into light. It was more than raising money for a good cause, it was more than doing some exercise, it was physically stepping out of darkness and into light, reinforcing the belief that things can and things do get better.</div>
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May is green ribbon month, a month in which ireland is encouraged to open up and begin conversations about mental health, a month where ireland shows their commitment to change and their strength and ability to deconstruct societal inequalities. There is still a stigma surrounding mental health in Ireland and while it may be decreasing it can be hard to see the change in peoples attitudes towards mental health. Today I saw what I can only describe as a commitment to change, a commitment to encourage people to talk, a commitment to support and guide those who may be struggling and a commitment to accept those going through a rough time.<br />
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<div>
I have so many thoughts surfing through my mind at the moment, trying to make sense of this amazing experience. My journey this morning is one I will continue to make throughout my life, it is one of hope, of commitment, and of change. My journey this morning reminded me that no matter how bad things seem light will always slowly make its way back into your life.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rJo7MBXZkWM/Vy2GVh_4pMI/AAAAAAAAFlU/SkEVZzeK7ckXo8MLiF5D23q5iddsQnFPwCLcB/s1600/13177546_1600084916975042_7135015132084096721_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rJo7MBXZkWM/Vy2GVh_4pMI/AAAAAAAAFlU/SkEVZzeK7ckXo8MLiF5D23q5iddsQnFPwCLcB/s200/13177546_1600084916975042_7135015132084096721_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>Throughout the walk I reflected on my actions over the past number of months, the self-destructive behaviours I engaged in and I realised something. I realised that I am not alone, I realised I have the strength within me to change things, to take back control and that I have support of not only those closest to me but also thousands of people in Ireland. Setting out along with the endless stream of people this morning made me feel emotional, it showed me that people care, it showed me that together we can break the stigma, we can break the cycle and we can save lives. </div>
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Im in awe sitting here, thinking back to the moment when I noticed the light coming through. I somewhat expected to walk along and suddenly notice a significant change in the light but that wasn't the case, gradually, throughout the walk, light started to creep in, overcoming the darkness and gaining power. This realisation that no matter how hard I try things will not change in an instant, it will not just happen suddenly, it is a process, a slow and steady process of building up strength and diminishing the darkness. taking control and and allowing myself the time I need to ensure I come out on top. I learned today that it is not about jumping ahead, it is about working to reduce the darkness, taking your time, allowing yourself to have set backs and accepting setback, I learned this morning that change will happen but only if I recognise it needs to happen, allow it to happen, encourage it to happen and give it time to happen. Day by day, step by step I will notice a change, removing the idea of a sudden bright light appearing is half the battle. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2G2LdHYQApM/Vy2HY0DSp-I/AAAAAAAAFlk/YhVWdPb47DsaXf04s3wWLLz7OmupWb8DACLcB/s1600/13173957_1600084393641761_5579112605493816307_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2G2LdHYQApM/Vy2HY0DSp-I/AAAAAAAAFlk/YhVWdPb47DsaXf04s3wWLLz7OmupWb8DACLcB/s320/13173957_1600084393641761_5579112605493816307_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Where you find a community, you find a light that gives hope</span></td></tr>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-40946322646007957842016-04-15T02:40:00.001-07:002016-06-05T13:09:34.974-07:00Where did it all go wrong?<div class="MsoNormal">
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I
found myself battling to escape a <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/03/relapse.html" target="_blank">relapse</a>, it ended on a happy note with me
feeling I was beginning to see the light, beginning to make a my way out but
that has not been the case.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The past two weeks have been the hardest
two weeks I have had in years. Last week started with a hospital admission
after taking an overdose. Four days in A&E hooked up to a drip to protect
my liver, one which I wasn’t sure I wanted, the feelings of anger and frustration
grew. I was so low, so miserable and desperately wanted a way out, I wanted to
escape from my mind, for it to just shut off, to be free from conflicting
thoughts that never cease. I got my medical treatment without too much of a
fuss, although the staff were aware I wasn’t too gone on the idea and then I
waited to see psych. It was foolish of me to think I could get out of the
hospital and not have a heart to heart with a member of the psych team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told them everything, I figured I had
nothing to loose. Part of me wants to get better while another part of me
doesn’t, the daemons have well and truly taken over and I no longer no what I
want, do I want to live? Do I want to die? Do I want a chance to make things
better? After four days, countless drips, sleepless nights, a psych consultant
and I was finally free to go, with follow up in the community of course, but
anything was better than being admitted to a psych ward!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This week saw another visit to A&E to
check my liver, as there were fears I could have damaged it as a result of my
overdose. Thankfully it was one day, a few blood tests, a scan and some time on
a short drip and I was free to go home, but once again not without seeing the
psych team! Luckily no damage was done and I was free to go home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Currently I’m at a bit of a loss as to how
I feel. Confused, broken, isolated, low, frustrated, and angry while at the
same time almost feeling nothing. I don’t know when things got so bad and I
don’t know where it all went so wrong. It could have been the stress of
college, the weeks without outpatient support, the pressure I place upon
myself, it could be a whole range of different things and that in it is enough
to make things worse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m not really sure what the point of this
post was, to let you know I’m not doing so good, to write it all down and make
the events of last two weeks seem real, to remind myself that it is ok to feel
this way. I’m not sure there is one single reason, rather all of the above and
more I’m sure. What I do know right now it that I no longer want to feel the
way I am feeling, how I change that, right now I’m not so sure!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-22214084846655366492016-03-27T06:15:00.000-07:002016-03-27T06:22:13.952-07:00Relapse <div class="MsoNormal">
Over a month ago I wrote about how I had
managed a <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/02/is-it-full-year-without-self-harm-yes.html" target="_blank">full year without self-harm</a>. An entire year despite some challenging
times but I managed a whole year without self-harm and I was over the moon!
Proud of myself, glad I finally felt like I was making real progress and I was
ready to continue on with my life free from self-harm. About a week or so after
that post things took quiet a turn.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">My mood dipped, my sleep became disturbed
my appetite was disappearing and I was finding it increasing difficult to
manage my constant changing emotions and soon I found myself battling with the urges
to self-harm once again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was almost
as it had just creeped up on me, I almost didn’t notice this relapse taking over;
depression had engulfed me in a matter of days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Simple tasks become a struggle, going to college,
scouts, athletics the youth café and even work became a struggle and the
enjoyment I got from these activities soon decreased and they simply became the
things I had to do to make people think I was ok, that I was holding it all
together, that there was nothing wrong. But just like this relapse running
through the motions of life soon became very tiring and I broke, entering back
into the negative cycle of self-harm. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Like many times before it started out with
just one act, just one simple act to get relief but it progressed and it
progressed to a stage where I could no longer hide it. I was dying on the
inside, feeling confused, lost, broken, hurt, angry and sad. I felt there was
no hope, no future and no point in life but it was then that I somehow managed
to find the strength I needed to open up and so I went to the doctor who
immediately started me back on my anti-depressant medication followed with a
referral back to adult services and daily appointments with her to keep an eye
on things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It took a while and things continued to go
downhill and to go down hill fast! I was self-harming at an alarming rate but
somehow managed to keep myself out of hospital. I was on medication, seeing
doctors, waiting for referrals to take place and I just felt like I had entered
back into a world in which I didn’t not want to be in. I was once again face to
face with my illness, I was again battling with my borderline personality
disorder trying so desperately to be the bigger person, to come out on top, to
put it back in its place but I didn’t have the strength, I didn’t have the
energy and I didn’t have the power to keep fighting. I felt defeated, isolated,
scared and lonely. I wanted to give up, I wanted to find a way out, but the
only way out was up and so I let people in. I told my family, I told some close
friends and I got the support I needed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m not quiet back on top just yet but I’m
on my way. I’m attending regular appointments with a doctor along with regular appointments
with the adult mental health services. I’m exploring some of my DBT techniques
again and I’m talking to those around me who are providing guidance and
support. I challenged this before and I’ve come out the other end so I know I
can do it, I know I can get back on top but it doesn’t happen over night and
that is important to remember. It will take time and I must be patient but I
will get back on top and self-harm will become a memory once more rather than a
reality. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m trying so hard to focus on being nice
to myself, to look after myself, to smile as much as I can and to remember that
I have the power to change things but it is hard. I look around me and I see so
many people who appear to be happy, who appear to smile just like me and I want
to be able to smile just like them, to be happy but the reality is I have no
idea if they really are happy. We live in a society while although it is
changing there is still a stigma attached to mental health, one that prevents
people from asking for help and this needs to change. I know its ok not to be
ok and I know its ok to ask for help but when you live in a society in which
you are looked at different for asking for help it discourages you from doing
so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">If I had caught the sign of my relapse
earlier I might not have gone back to old ways of coping but if there was no
stigma surrounding mental health I might have spoken out sooner the very first
time I starting experiencing mental health issues and indeed at this relapse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">People don’t understand the effect stigma
can have on a person, the shame associated with having mental health issues
because of it, the fear of judgment and ridicule and the sense of not being ‘normal’
or fitting in. nobody is immune to mental health issues and for that reason it
is everybody’s responsibility to tackle this stigma! I’m slowly on my way back
up, slowly but surely I will be back on top my borderline personality disorder
and I will be back to my old self, but It will take time and so too will
breaking down mental health stigma.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-1599624500133711282016-02-17T10:06:00.000-08:002016-02-17T10:06:10.717-08:00Time for a career?<div class="MsoNormal">
Every now and again someone will suggest I
get into the area of journalism. It has been a reoccurring theme for the past 4
years, around the time I had to look at what I wanted to do in college. In the
beginning I liked the idea and I even entertained the idea, researching the
points required, what would be involved in a journalism course but in the end I
decided that it wasn’t for me. Why? Well I guess the number of points required
in the leaving cert was a big issue, I knew I wasn’t able to achieve the points
required and while some people might say well why didn’t you try, I didn’t try
because for me it wasn’t an attainable goal. Why would I just upset me self
when I end up disappointed? I guess another reason was I wasn’t really sure if
that was what I wanted to do although even now in my final year of college I’m
still not sure what I want to do!</div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I guess now that someone has mentioned
doing my masters in journalism I have been questioning is it time I take my
writing to the next level? Do I turn my hobby into a career? Right now I’m
leaning more towards the no side. I write because I enjoy it, it’s a way of
getting things out of my head, its what I do to release stress and tension and
it is what I turn to when I cannot verbalise my thoughts. I worry that if I
take writing and turn it into a career I will loose the enjoyment I get from
it, it will become a way of putting bread and milk on the table rather than
looking after my mental health. I’m worried that turning my writing into a career
will affect my blog, would I still have a blog? Would I want to spend all day
writing to come home and write some more? It just wouldn’t be the same. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I feel as if my blog has become a part of
me and it has become something, which people associate with me. It is something,
which I am proud of and it is something, which I want to keep going as long as
possible. It has presented me with many opportunities and I’m sure it may
present me with more in the future. It is something which I feel I need in my
life and while at times I may not post for months and other times I may post
daily it is something which I feel I need in my life. I worry not only that becoming
a journalist will take the enjoyment out of writing but I too worry about the
impact it will have on my blog, will it damage the level of writing on my blog?
Will it hinder my passion and desire to write? And will it take the time I need
t write on my blog away from me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I know that this is all thought and that if
I did get into journalism I may even find I enjoy writing more, I may find that
it enhances my blog, it aids my style of writing or it enriches my passion but
how can I be certain of that? I know we can never be certain of anything in
life but I feel I need to be at least 70% sure that writing as a career will
enhance my life and right now I cant say that is where I am. Right now in
general I feel very unsure as to what I want to do in the future, do I want to
write? Do I want to work with young people? Focus on mental health? Get into
social care or community work? Do I want to travel? Keep my job in the children’s
play centre? To be honest I really don’t know where I am going in life and I
know that’s ok and for now I feel as if the writing as a career opportunity is
going to disappear once again for a while because I’m not so sure I’m willing
to risk taking the enjoyment out of something I so desperately need in my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Siobhánhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18115103386221085152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1608547060392827201.post-6225826739545522052016-02-13T02:27:00.000-08:002016-02-13T02:32:35.395-08:00Is it a full year without self-harm? Yes it is!!!<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">I woke up this morning in
disbelief, I knew this day was coming, I even marked it on the calendar but
even still when I woke up this morning I wasn't really sure if I had actually
made it! Today marks one whole year without self-harm, even writing it down shocks
me, I never imagined actually lasting a whole year without self-harming in any
way shape or form! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span><span lang="EN-US">It has been tough! I’m not
going to lie and I have been faced with many challenges which have encouraged
self-harm urges but I have somehow managed to fight them off, to battle through
the urges, to sit it out, distract myself, engage with my support system and
take back control of my mind and I have made it an entire year without
self-harming! I still can't believe it! Last night and even today I found
myself retracing my steps, trying to remember if there were times that I
self-harmed but didn't admit it, if there were moments when I gave in and let
the self-harm take over but there wasn't! Don’t get me wrong, there were times
when<a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2015/09/an-encounter-with-razor.html" target="_blank"> I was prepared to self-harm, </a>implement in hand, ready and waiting but I
couldn't bring myself to do it. In that moment it was something, which annoyed
me, was I not strong enough to do it? Was I scared? The answer was I was strong
enough, strong enough to recognize that self-harm wouldn't solve the issue, I
was strong enough to put the razor down, strong enough to take a step back,
remove myself from the situation, and find a more appropriate way of coping.
Was I scared? The answer was yes, I was scared to enter back into the world of
self-harm, I was scared to let cutting take over my life again, scared I would
let the addiction I had been trying to fight take over my life again.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">I began self-harming when I
was young; my teenage years saw it escalate to concerning levels. It become a
way of coping, a secret and was a cry for help that no one could see. It become
a way of living, it let me get through the day, it gave me the strength and
energy to get out of the bed, do the things that needed to be done and get on
with my life, it also did the exact opposite. Once the adrenaline had worn off
the urges would creep back in, the feelings of worthlessness, emptiness,
sadness and despair would be very much alive again. The thoughts of taking my
own life, how I was a bad person, how I should be ashamed by what I had done to
my body were no longer silenced and so too took hold of me once again and I
found myself in a never-ending cycle. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">It began every so
innocently, a cut here and a cut there, maybe once a week maybe more but that
didn't last. The relief I received lasted for less and less each time and soon
I found myself needing it, craving it, and not functioning without it. There
were times when I couldn't even make it through the school day without it. It
wasn't long before I was addicted, cutting twice before school, during school,
after school, before activities, after activities and before bed. Why you might
ask, it was simple, I felt like shit, my life was crumbling around me, I was in
the depts of depression, struggling to get through each day and self-harm was
my drug, it was what made it possible for me to get through the day, it was
what allowed me to seem "normal", just like everybody else. I needed
it in my life as without it I didn’t have the ability to function, I would not
have been able to get out of the bed, I would not have been able to eat, to
think or to sleep. It was the only things that at the time made sense in my
life.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">It got worse before it got
better and even after it got better I still had some pretty rough times dealing
with self-harm. I would make it a few months, three, or four, six at the most
and then I would fall of the wagon, pick up a blade, and get the relief I had
been longing for. It helped me get through the hard times but it didn't really!
It didn't really make things better, for a moment or two it would make it seem
like my life was perfect until that feeling wore off and once again I was left
in utter despair, wishing for the pain to be taken away. </span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">It took five years of
therapy with the child and adolescent mental health services, a four month in
patient hospital stay in an adolescent mental health until, a correct diagnoses
of Borderline Personality Disorder and six months on intensive outpatient
dialectal behavioral therapy along with countless visits to the school chaplain,
endless emails and after class conversations with Mrs. L trips to the college counselors,
phone calls to friends and family and medication to help to get me to where I
am today. </span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">It wasn't as simple as
stopping self-harming or taking all the objects I could use to harm with away,
it went deeper than that. I took many painful therapy sessions for me to
understand why I was self-harming in the first place, it took hours upon hours
reliving painful memories in order for me to deal with them, to put them into
the past and move on, it took trial and error, finding <a href="http://siobhanb.blogspot.ie/2016/01/blue-monday.html" target="_blank">new coping mechanisms</a> and it took tine and patience. Self-harm cannot be changed over night, there
will be setbacks, bumps in the road and falls of the wagon but it can be changed,
it can be challenged and it can become a memory, it does not need to define
you, it does not need to be in your life and not matter how bad you feel it
does not make things better. After that initial relief, you will be back where
you started and each day where you started gets a bit deeper, a little bit
deeper into your depression, your anxiety or whatever it may be, slowly but
surely self-harm creeps in and takes over, it becomes your drug and you become
addicted and without addressing the root causes, no matter how painful, it will
not cease to have control. It is up to you to take back control of your life!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US">One whole year without
self-harm, I never thought I would see the day and yet here I am, self-harm
free! I hope that this time next year I will be able to report to you that I am
two years free from self-harm! It will always be apart of me somehow, I may get
urges but I will battle through, I may get thoughts but I will push them aside
because now, now I am the one in control!</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></span><br />
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