The Break I Needed

The past six weeks or so have been particularly difficult. They say an increase in anxiety, low mood self-harm and suicidal thoughts, the past few weeks saw me enter an unwelcomed relapse. This relapse kind of snuck up on me, I thought I had caught it in time but I was wrong and within a week of visiting my GP and getting a referral to adult services I found myself sitting in A&E waiting to be assed for possible admission and inpatient treatment because quite simply, I couldn’t trust myself and reality was that I had every intention to take my own life that very evening. But I caught it and I recognised that I needed help which is why I went home from work early, went to my GP, then to adult services where I told them I couldn’t keep myself safe, it was at this point that I recognised I needed more help and went to A&E.

To cut a long story short I spent my day in A&E, spoke to doctors and a decision was made that we would search for an inpatient bed which was a search that didn’t go to well and as we were branching out further and further around the country it was decided, collectively by my family, my doctor and me that I would begin attending a day hospital, twice a week in order to help keep myself safe and in the interim I would be given medication to help me sleep and control my anxiety in the short term to see me the next few days and it help, without a doubt.

I began attending the local day hospital about a month ago, a service that I have found extremely useful and now as I write this I feel like I may be ready to reduce my time there once my new care plan has been prepared. It was through my time at the day hospital that I began to realise the stress I was under, the pressure I felt and the expectation I was trying to live up to and so I decided it was time for a break and I took a full week of holidays from work. This week off included a scouting weekend away for training and speaking at a youth conference in the RDS and while I was kept busy it was exactly what I needed, a chance to do something just for me.

The summer was hard, I was flat out with work, the youth centre, scouts and athletics, I had no time for myself and it took it toll on me without even realising that, that was the cause. There were other contributing factors also but I think the biggest factor was that I was taking on too much and not being able to have any time for myself, the day hospital allowed me to have time for myself, time I desperately needed, structured time that allowed me to interacted with others and learn about myself.

I’m still struggling but I beginning to emerge from this relapse, I’m beginning to enjoy things again, I’m beginning to want to do to athletics, I love going to scouts every week and I’m beginning to laugh again. The day hospital has allowed me the space I needed to get back on track and in many ways this relapse was a blessing in disguise, it has defiantly thought me one very valuable lesson, that I need to dedicated more time to just me, time to do things that I want to and that I enjoy, time for me to be selfish.

I have begun to realise that all the relapses I have faced and quite possible face in the future happen for a reason. I may not want to experience them but as a result of them I learn something new about myself, come out on top, stronger than before and with each victory over a relapse I feel like maybe, just maybe there is a small bit of hope that one day I will be able to live free from the fear of a BPD relapse. I still have a ways to go to get me through this current relapse and to be at a point where I feel good but I’m on my way and for the first time in a few months I feel like I can make it through this one, I feel like I can get up in the morning and get through the day without hurting myself, I feel like I can do 

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tric kearney said...

Take care. Glad you have had the presence of mind to go to A and E and accept the help offered. Well done you. One step at a time.

dublinerinDeutschland said...

I'm so sorry you were going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you are in a better place now which is great to read. I hope that you'll continue to do well and find happiness. Hugs

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