Auntie Siobhán

The other day I found out I am going to be an auntie!! Words cannot describe how excited I am! I love children, nothing makes me happier than holding a baby and realising how precious life really is. I cannot describe how excited I am about having my own children, how amazed and intrigued I am about the whole pregnancy process, every aspect from pregnancy through to birth has me in awe and wonder and I simply cannot wait until I can have children of my own!

It goes without saying that I was delighted with this news and assured that Shane and Amy are going to be amazing parents, no doubt about it but of course, as my mind does, I began to question myself. Can I be a good auntie to this child? Can I be there for this child through its life, supporting it along through the good times and the bad times? Can I be someone this child can look up to, have a relationship with and depend on?

I worry that I will let this child down, I want to be the best auntie possible, I want to be more than just an auntie, I want to be a friend to this child someone they can count on but do I really have the ability to do that? I worry that my past will prevent me from being the best I can be. I have been trying desperately to shut up my thoughts, to move away from the negative and really focus on the positive but it is a hard thing to do. I’m scared, no I’m terrified, I want the best for this child and with Shane and Amy as its parents I know it will get the best but can I give this child my best?

I’ve been thinking, could this fear be a good thing? Could this fear ensure I seek to remain well, put my past aside and focus on being well so I can be the best auntie possible. I’ve been struggling over the past while, I am however getting back on track, trying new things and working to keep myself well and this news, this news that I am going to be an auntie has given me hope, given me something to look forward to and has changed everything for me. My determination to get control over my thoughts and urges is stronger than ever. I don’t want this child in the future to have to worry about its auntie, I want this child to experience my love in its entirety, I want this child to know its auntie not by her mental illness but by her personality and love. 

I may not be the one having this child but this child, due in December has changed everything for me already and it hasn’t even arrived. This child has made me realise just how important it is that I look after myself, get control and live my life. I need to be here to meet my little niece or nephew and that is exactly what I intend to do.

© There's Always Light at the End of the Tunnel. Design by Studio Kiwi.