Taking ownership of my recovery

I have been told that now I am an adult I must take control of my own recovery, my own medication, my own appointments and basically take care of my own mental health unlike the way I child would look after their mental health, and so that is exactly what I have been doing.

  • I ensured I got an appointment with the adult mental health services after little was done by CAMHS to ensure my transfer was smooth, as a result of being told everything was taken care of it took four months until I found out this was not the case and another month trying to get an appointment. 
  • This followed with endless assessments being done by numerous staff members in the adult mental health services to allow them to develop a care plan, a care plan that I am waiting for still after at least a month.
  • When expressing my wishes to be reduced of my medication which was a factor for consideration since being a patient with child services I was turned down because it is not the right time according to the doctor but when will the time be right, is there ever a right time for something like this?

Will I ever come of my meds? Will I be able to come off my meds? So I do as the doctors and nurses ask, I remain on my meds, I work to continue preventing self harm, I have been honest in talking and telling them about any incidents of self harm and I have been working with the doctors and nurses but what do I get? I get told again and again that it is not the right time to come off my meds! How do the doctors know, there not in my head, living my life, dealing with my depression! Does my input regarding the right time to reduce my meds mean nothing? They say I need to stay on my meds because coming off them unsupervised can have negative effects so I remain honest and continue to take my medication as prescribed but that still seems to mean nothing. 

My cooperation, honesty and willingness to engage and work with the doctors and nurses all seems to amount to nothing, what do I get in return? I get treated in a way I can only describe as being treated like a child who does not have the ability to take ownership of its own recovery. I am trying to take ownership of my own recovery but how can I work towards a meaningful recovery when the professionals are not working with me, allowing me to try and reduce my meds and let me see for myself if it is not the right time to come off my meds.

Embracing Change!!

Something, which I struggle to deal with, is the idea of change. I hate change and would do anything to avoid it yet it is impossible to avoid change. However the certain aspects of your life, which you can control such as your style or your hair colour, are things, which I will never change, or so I thought.

In a bid to raise funds in behalf of Label Jars Not People I have decided I would embrace something which I hate, something I struggle to deal with and something which many people too struggle with, I have decided to embrace change and actively change something which I have control over in my life in the hopes of raising some much needed funds for our charity of the year, Console.

After some thought I have decided to dye my hair. What was originally meant to be my entire head soon went to parts of my hair as in my current situation with work and placement for college it is not practical to arrive with blue hair. So in a bid to follow through with my decision to dye my hair I have decided to dip dye my hair a number of different colours. The simple thoughts of dying my hair pink or blue even just the end scare the hell out of me and has me shivering thinking about it but it is something which I need to do to be able to help others as well as myself.

So the plan for this fundraising is as follows:

  • Once we have received ten donations from people through the Label Jars Not People pay pal account I will dye my hair.
  • I will dip dye my hair with 3-6 different hair colours such as red, blue, orange, pink, purple etc.
  • The process of my hair being dyed will be recorded and uploaded to our Facebook page to encourage others to donate to Label Jars Not People and to make people aware of how challenging something like this is for me.
So while I am scared, nervous, unsure and anxious about doing this I am taking a huge leap out of my comfort zone, I am going to expose myself to something which I have never even thought of before and I am hopefully going to help generate funds for Console through Label Jars Not People.

If you would like to donate please do so through our paypal account by logging onto paypal and make a payment to labelsareforjarsnotpeople@gmail.com

Or contact us directly through Facebook, Twitter or by email.

And most importantly just remember a little goes a long way!!

Suicide


Suicide according to the World Health Organization suicide is “the act of deliberately killing oneself.” This is true and I would never consider challenging this definition I would however elaborate on this definition making suicide the act of deliberately killing oneself when life is not worth living and when you have been trapped in darkness and unable to find hope for an extended period of time. From my experience this is how I would describe suicide.

You could say that I didn’t want to die and in one sense I didn’t, had I really deep down wanted to die my first suicide attempt would have been successful and the second and the third, they would have all been successful if deep down I had really wanted to die. You could also say that I did want to die, I wanted to die to end my pain and suffering, I wanted relief, I wanted to be free and I wanted to be with the family who I have lost.

You see, suicide isn’t as simple as someone wanting to die, it involves why a person may appear to want to die, it involves looking deep into the mind of a person, examining their thoughts, looking at their surroundings and asking the person the reasons as to why they feel they want to die and giving them a place to explain their thoughts. Often people look at suicide as being a cowards way out, people looking for attention and often seeing those who committee suicide or attempt suicide as different, crazy, depressed, sad and not normal. But what makes someone trying to end their life any different from people who don’t try to end their life?

I attempted suicide and I am not afraid to admit it, I am not scared of being discriminated against, I am not scared of being called crazy because my suicide attempts were my way of looking for help. It was certainly not the most positive way of seeking help but the state of despair and hopelessness, which I was in caused me to believe that the only way things could have ever gotten better, were if I tried to take my own life.

People often feel like the only way out of the pain that you are feeling is through suicide, they also feel that the only way which they can get help is through trying to take their own life. This shouldn’t be the case, people should feel comfortable asking for help and support and for this to happen people must not fear being judged, looked down on by society and being treated as an outcast.

People often ask why I share my experience with poor mental health and the reason is to try and show people that it is ok to talk, it is ok not to feel ok and it is ok to get support for a mental health issue. I also share my story in the hopes that people will gain some hope from my story- I made it through depression, yeah I have some down days and I still struggle but I got through the worst of it and I know that with the support system I have around me I will continue to work through my bad days. Everybody has a support system but in order for you to become aware of that support system you must ask for support! It took me a suicide attempt to become aware of my support system, had I asked for help and support my first suicide attempt could have been prevented.


Photo of the day. :)

Louise and I at the Think Big graduation event

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