Guest Post #5

I don’t know why I decided to write a guest post about living with depression to be honest. Maybe it is because I want to find out what I would actually say about this illness that im suffering from when it came down to it. Maybe it is my way of expressing my anger and frustration at having this illness. That’s the thing with depression- it makes you feel like your going crazy. Your no longer able to tell what is real and what is not.

It comes into your life and COMPLETELY changes it until you feel  so broken and crippled you don’t have a clue who you are anymore because you just go into yourself so much. Your gone so numb. Your just getting through everyday methodically because lets face it you have no other choice,well apart from the obvious one of course. It takes away so much from you – it takes away all your confidence and spirit from you and as I said it takes away from you that positive, bubbly person you were before you got depression. You literally cant find that person that you were before anymore simply because your so trapped in amongst all the darkness that IS depression. The realisation that you will never EVER get that person back that you were before this horrible impostor entered your life is so so scary. Its as though somewhere between that person who has been so broken down by depression that you are just too afraid to ask for help and that person who at the same time desperately needs it and is crying out for it you have that innocent person that you were before getting depression. Its funny now to look back and laugh at how innocent you were then, how much you took it for granted that you hadn’t yet been attacked by this illness. I always feel so jealous of everyone else, all the ‘normal’ people who can just get on with their lives and aren’t dragged down by this illness.

But most of all and in the most painful way possible it takes away from you not only the desire but the physical ability to keep going, to keep living. You are going around everyday with a terminal illness yet no one notices your dying. Imagine your friends who are around you everyday don’t even notice your suffering from a terminal illness. But they cant be blamed as it is so easy to paint a smile on your face, a fake one of course. You don’t want to be a burden on them by telling them about your suffering, even more of a burden than you already are of course. Depression also takes away from you all your strength. You are so weak that you cant deal with anything that life throws at you, even the most minor of things. You get stressed out over things everyone else would just get on with and say ‘oh ok im not going to like this but ill just get on with it,its nothing major’.

Depression is like a massive dark cloud hanging over you constantly-it never leaves you. It has the potential to attack you at any moment and ultimately destroy you. It usually hits me when im on my own in my house and suddenly all around me all I can see is darkness. It is so dark I can see no light whatsoever, no hope. Then a pain forms within me and im sitting there on my own, crying my eyes out, completely clueless as to where this pain came from and certain it will never go away. Then you start to think really negatively and you begin to contemplate things any normal person would be completely alarmed and shocked at. But when your in that headspace all these disturbed thoughts are considered normal to you. Your not shocked by them at all. Before you know it your feeling down ALL the time and thinking really negatively and it becomes the ‘norm’.

I believe,however, that everything happens for a reason. I suffer from depression for a reason. Im  not too sure what that reason is right now but im sure ill figure it out at some stage.

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