Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I have been so busy with my Christmas exams but now there finished and I can get in the Christmas mood. have a full two weeks off from school, it is not until you are in sixth year that you really begin to value your holidays. I have two weeks away from school but only really this week away from all of the study but sure I can study in my bed :)
Its almost Christmas!! this time last year I was in hospital and I spent part of my Christmas day in hospital but not this year, This year I am at home and i will be at home with my family this Christmas. So I want to take this chance to say a huge thank you to all of my readers for reading my blog but also A very Merry Christmas to my readers. I hope you all have a good one.
|First Dublin fire fighter to start as a recruit and make it all the way to the top and be in charge.|
Uncle Stephen Retired this week but Dublin fire brigade will see a lot more of Stephen Brady in the future :)
I once knew a girl.
Who forever had scars and cuts upon her arms.
Hope was insribed.
Not in the colour of ink.
But in the colours of the scars.
With stitches on her skin.
Plus tears in her eyes.
And bumpy scars.
Filled with hate and shame.
For whats she done.
But she'll do it again.
She once saw someone.
They asked what is that on your arms.
Ciggerette burns came the reply.
Deep inside the girl was lost.
I once saw myself drowned in tears.
Cant understand the purpose of my being.
For the cuts and scars.
The pain goes so much deeper
I wake up every morning and I am greeted with the painful sight of my arms covered in scars. Many people might think that it is just my arms but it’s not. The scars are everywhere inside and outside. Many of my scars reflect the pain I have suffered in my life but many are there because I was addicted to self-harm.
I once wanted these scars; I’m not going to lie. I wanted to wake up every day and see them. I wanted people to know that I was suffering. But now, now all I want is for them to be gone. I have so many I am unable to count them, but I wish that I had none to count. Sometimes i take time to just remember the reason that scar is there. I think about what caused me to self-harm that day, why I made the cut.
I look at the ones that I had to get stitches for and I look at the ones that I removed the stitches from. I find the ones that I hid from people and hoped that the bleeding would stop before I lost too much blood and died. Each one of my scars has a story and I could tell you about them. I have too many to remember all the reasons for each scars but most of them I will be able to tell you about.
I use to let people see them but now I want to hide them. When people do see them they stare and whisper and make me feel self-conscious. It’s obvious what there from I can’t hide the fact that they are from self-harm but I just wish people would not stare all the time.
My family are ok with them and I am glad that they don’t mind them. They let me be free in a way. I’m not scared to wear a t-shirt in my house because I know my family won’t stare and make rude comments. My friends are great too. They want me to be able to take off my jumper if I am to warm and they don’t mind seeing my scars but I don’t. I don’t want them seeing what I have done to myself.
Many people wonder why I would do something like this to myself. People think I am crazy and I was looking for attention but the truth is I didn’t know what else to do. In the beginning before people found out I hide my cuts and scars. I was ashamed of what I was doing and I didn’t want anybody to know. It was a secret and I was suffering in silence.
I am not proud of my self-harm but I am not ashamed either. In many ways it has helped me become the person I am today. I have learned how to cope with my self- harm and I have also learned ways that I can help other people. Sharing my story is one of the ways that I help people. I let them know that it ask to ask for help, that you’re not crazy and that things will get better. They have got better for me and there is no reason that they will not get better for you.
I wish I never began to self-harm and found other ways to cope when I was younger, but I didn’t. I know have to live with these scars for the rest of my life. I hate having them now but I once liked them but that doesn’t last. I have to live with the fact that I destroyed my body and as hard as that is I also have to know that I was strong enough to stop and gain control back of my life. Self-harm will always be part of my life even if my scars do fade. The most important thing that I have taken from my experience of self-harm is that I am strong enough to overcome it and battle the urges.
I wish people didn’t self-harm but the reality is that many people do. It will affect you for the rest of your life even if you do manage to stop completely. It can affect you in a good way be sharing your story and help other but it can also affect you in bad ways to.
The most important thing is to talk to people and share how you are feeling. People many not realise it but it can become an addiction very quickly and it can be very hard to stop. So please don’t start but do ask for help.
Hmm, I’m not too sure how to start, let alone write, this kind of thing but here it goes – Hi. I’m Ashling and I’ve been asked by my friend, Siobhán to write a post for this blog.
When I first met Siobhy it was around the time of the Junior Certificate stress was kicking in. So it wasn’t until the summer when I really got to know her. I always knew she was struggling with a mental illness as she was honest from the beginning of our friendship. It didn’t bother me to begin, but as her condition escalated our group and I began to worry. Being friends with a person who has a mental illness does open your eyes. Even as clichéd as that sounds it’s true. I didn’t really know a lot about depression before I met Siobhy. Now because I’m involved with our positive mental health campaign and because I’m interested in Siobhán’s well-being I am more educated on the matter now. It makes you view the world differently to be honest, but I am happier now that I can see it. I think everyone should be educated about mental health as it may encourage people to be more grateful and understanding. It gives the person a greater perception on the world and the significance of a problem in relation to others.
It has affected me in more good ways than bad. Although it did cause me a lot of worry and stress, the good outcomes outweigh these negatives. I feel that I am more aware of issues around me in the world, due to personal experience, my college course as a social worker and most definitely being good friends with a person suffering from a mental illness. I am very proud of where Siobhy is today. She has come through so much, and now devotes her precious, little spare time (due to for coming exams) on helping reducing the negative stigma attached to mental illness and promoting positive mental health! I think she’s doing terrific and I have her to thank for opening my sheltered eyes and mind to a whole different perspective of the world. Thanks :)
Have you ever wondered why me? I know I have and I often still wonder why me. There are so many people in the world out there today who have challenges facing them every day and have had bad luck throughout their lives. Some people may say that I have had bad luck throughout my life and I disagree with that. All of things that have happened to me during my life is just my life, not bad luck but my life. I do have challenges that face me every day and many of them are related to my mental illness but I don’t let that get me down, I embrace it.
I often wonder why me? I wonder why my mam had to die and why I have depression and why every day I struggle with self harm. I have been through a lot and I have had some very bad days. But when I wonder why me I always come to the same conclusion- That yeah I have been through a lot and yeah it has been hard, but if I hadn’t gone through everything have, if I didn’t gain control over m self harm and I f I didn’t learn how to cope with my depression I would not be able to do what I do today, I would not be able to work towards reducing the stigma associated with mental health because I really wouldn’t feel that I understand how some people feel. I wouldn’t be able to share my story and most importantly I would be able to share my story and provide hope to people out there who are struggling.
I live everyday one day at a time not know how I am going to feel but the one thing I do know is that there is always help out there for me when I need it. Whether it’s my friends, my family my teachers or my CAMHS team there is always help out there for me when I need it and there is always help out there for other people when they need it too. It might not be the same circle of support I have but there is support. All you have to do is look and you will find it, and people will want to help you if you are going thought a bad time and need some support.
I think that something my brother Paul said not so long ago sums everything up-
“Everyday people lose the battle with mental health issues and take their life, which could be complete avoided if they just talked. It’s not their fault, it’s the society that we live in, a society that ignores mental health, a place where people don't understand its importance and think that it isn't important. Without our mental health in good order we are not equipped to take on the everyday battles in our life. It’s so important and we need to have the realize that it cannot be ignored and that we need to support one another and talk, we need to realize that by accepting and talking about mental health we will save life's! I am so proud of this initiative and am so extremely proud of the people behind it, it takes courage and strength to stand up and talk about this, without people like this our society would be a lot harder to live in! Just always remember when you’re feeling down, or you need help there will always be someone there to help you! I know how important it is to talk about what's going on with people, and I had to learn it the hard way, but let's all just try end this pointless tragic loss of life. It’s so simple just don't forget to talk, and always remember there is support out there for you! It’s such a small thing but it will help save lives, and will make society such a better place to live in."
I am not ashamed of whom I am and I am not ashamed of the fact that I have a mental illness. I will stand up and speak out about my experiences with only one aim which is to show people that by talking things will get better and that there is help out there for you. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you have a mental illness; it’s the same as any other illness. Just because you can’t see it doesn't mean it’s not real. I do wonder why me but I always come to the same conclusion that f everything that I have described above didn’t happen then I wouldn’t be able to share my story and try to make a difference to the society that we live in today.
By writing my blog I hope that it will help someone to feel that they are not alone, that there is help and that there is other people out there going through some of the same feelings that you are. I can only hope that some people do find some of the things that I write about helpful and encourage them to seek some support in some way.
The other day I got asked a question from one of my readers. She asked me was there anything that made me keep fighting or fight harder when I was in hospital. So there are a few things so I have decided that I would write a blog post about it to outline the things that kept me going. What exactly my family and friends did that made me want to keep going. While I was in hospital I did some stupid things when I got the chance to go out for a few hours or whatever on leave but it was because of what my family and friends did that made me stop doing those things. They basically gave me the wakeup call that I needed.
One of the first things that made me fight was the fact that I was missing out on things; I was missing school, scouts, athletic, spending time with my friends and family. I guess missing all of that made me want my life back. I didn’t want to be stuck in hospital all of the time, I wanted to get back doing the things that I love the most. When I began to notice I was missing all of these things I guess I realised that I was beginning my road to recovery. I was getting through the hardest part of my depression. I slowly began to feel that I was able to go back to the outside world. When I realised this it was time that I began to work with the doctors and the nurses and work towards my discharge, and get back to my life.
Support. I was getting a lot of support both inside and outside of hospital. This support helped me to create better relationships around me and to deal with things that I had never dealt with before. Having so much support around me in the beginning wasn’t what I wanted because I was feeling so low but as things began to get better and I realised the support I had around me it helped a lit. I felt that because these people were around me I could get through this and I was able to get back on track.
A letter from my brother was one of the main things that made me fight to get home. There was nothing bad in the letter, it was nice and it showed me how much he cares for me. This kind of links in with the support I was given. I guess this letter made me want to get back home to my family. It made me think and it showed me how much I am loved; it was what I needed to help me get back on track and stay focused.
My brother’s wedding. It goes without saying that I did not want to miss his wedding and I was basically given an ultimatum. I needed it to be honest, it was either have control over my self -harm and try my best to stop or I don’t go to the wedding. I was aware that they were doing this because they wanted t make sure I stay safe. To be honest I had always taken it for granted that I was going to be going to the wedding and when I was given this ultimatum I basically copped on and again this was a wake up call that I needed.
I basically have to thank my family, friends, teachers, doctors, nurses and everybody that supported me through that hard time. If it wasn’t for them I would not be doing as well as I am now. I still have my bad days but because of the people I have around me I know I will get through them and that those bad days are only going to be days rather than weeks like they were before.
"Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." - The Lion King
I came across this quote while I was on the internet the other day and it got me thinking about things, Have I learned from my past or do I run from my past. I thought about this for a while all though I really should have been studying but anyway (im going to take a break this weekend like last weekend) Well after thinking for a while I came to the conclusion that I have earned from my past but I am also running from some things that have happened to me in the past. I know that its not good to run from your past but I do and I will stop someday but it will take time. But I have also learned so really important things, like value the ones you love as they will not be around for ever and to enjoy life while you can because it only takes a second for things to change.
This quote got me thinking about things, did it get you thinking about things? Do you run from your past or have you learned from your past?
I was sitting here in front of the laptop trying to think of something to blog about but I couldn’t think of anything and like always when I can’t think of anything to do or to blog about I make my way to Facebook. I was going through some of the photos that I have uploaded onto Facebook and I just realised how lucky I am to have family and friends like I do.
To begin I’m going to talk about my amazing family. I know I might not get on very well with some people in my family ad yeah not all of my family are still here with us today but I still have an amazing family.
My mam although she is not here I think of her every day and how she worked to keep our family together and was the best mam ever. She taught me to always thank the people that help me, to always be kind and helpful and to never judge a book by its cover. She thought me that everybody deserves a second chance. And most of all my mam was there for me and my brothers, knew how to cheers us up and always greeted us with a warm and friendly smile. What’s more she was strong and fought for almost two years against cancer so that she could be with her family..... she is a true inspiration.
My dad.... well me and my dad get on fine one minute and then we won’t talk to each or the next minute. I take most of the blame for that but then I blame it on me being a teenager but anyway my dad is fun and annoying but most of the time in a good way. He tries his best to be there for me and try to understand the mind of a teenage girl. He knows how to surprise you and will continue to do so in both good and bad ways. And what’s more no matter how much we fight he will always be by my side and he will never give up on me or my brothers.
My brother..... well what I can say about my older brothers that drive me insane, bully me and well do everything that they're meant to when they have a younger sister. Annoy me, keep me awake at night, scare off any guy that comes near me, embarrass me in front of my friends, hug me tight when I’m sad and say that they will kill any guy that breaks my heart. I don’t know what I would do without my brothers they mean everything to me.
My sister-in-law well for one she might be my future sister in law but I see her as my sister, my friend and she’s like a mother to me. She looks out for me, gives me a shoulder to cry on and is one of my best friends. My brother is lucky to have found her. Shane and Amy are perfect for each other. She is amazing and I am glad that she is part of my life.
And then there is Tom. Tom is a really really really close friend and is pretty much family at this stage and I have no idea what I would do without his amazing advice and his soft hair ad great hugs. He really doesn’t know how to cheer someone up when they are down. Tom is my GBBL and I hope that doesn’t change because I don’t know what I would do without him.
My Granddad well we had an amazing and special unique relationship that I will never forget. I was his shove-over, his vampire and his whippersnapper. He was my gaga, my jellyfish and my grumpy. He meant the world to me and helped to fill a hole that was left after my mam died but after he died a bigger hole in my life was created. I miss my granddad and always will but I will never forget all of the amazing times that we shared together. He was my knight in shining armour.
And then I have my friends all of my amazing friends that are always there for me to listen to me complain and moan, to offer a shoulder to cry on, to cheer me up and make me smile and to show me that thing no matter how bad they are will always get better. No matter what I do to them they have always stuck by me. No matter how down I am they never leave me. No matter how sick I am they are always by my side. No matter how lonely I am they change that. They are the people that give me a reason to get up in the mornings, the people I turn to for a friendly smile or a late night chat. These are the people that you can go to with a problem and it is never too big or too small and they are always will to offer advice or a shoulder to cry on. I love my mad crazy wacky weird friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My friends have helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life and most of the time they don’t even realise what they have done. I love my friends and I appreciate everything that they have ever done for me. I don’t know what I would do without them and I hope I will never lose theses amazing crazy weird people that I have the privilege to call my friends.